Fed up with your boyfriend's complaints about your loose pussy? Do your labia need tightening? Tired of that unsightly camel-toe? Then you are a prime candidate for the hottest new plastic surgery trend that has hit America like the fucking H-bomb. They're tight, wet, and oh-so-symmetrical, they are the one and only DESIGNER VAGINAS! That's right ladies, no more flappin' in the wind and no more awkward moments in the bedroom when your significant other exclaims, "Jesus, Marcy! One's bigger than the other!" or "Well it doesn't feel like I'm in..." Even after years of fisting, you too can get back that hot tight virgin snatch that once provided you and the ones you loved/boinked with so much pleasure.

Labiaplasty is the latest fad in female genital enhancement. This wonderful phenomenon began in the sunny hills of Beverly where women who were getting tired of nose-jobs and breast implants decided to take plastic surgery to a whole new level. As they aged, they began to realize that sure, they had size double D breasts on a body frame devoid of all fat cells, but their cooch just wasn't what it used to be. Today, labia-perfection is hot, and women young and old all over the country are going to Dr. Vagg and asking for a fixer-upper on their holiest of holes. They are astounded by the results. What do you know, they can actually feel something during penetration! "AMAZING, you say, how do they do it? And most importantly, how long will I be out of commission?!" Well, let's just say it requires a little snippage in the nether regions, and if you're real loose, possibly a vice or two. But basically, it's an easy procedure and you'll be up and fucking in no time. So, if you've popped out a couple babies or popped in one too many cucumbers, then labiaplasty could be just what the doctor ordered.

The surgery can be performed on anyone. If you don't wake up every morning and say, "Damn! I have a nice vulva," or, if you feel cheated out of your dream vagina, don't swear off sex just yet. There are plenty of doctors performing miracles everyday on dysfunctional twats and you don't have trek all the way to Cali to get one. Abnormal and/or oversized beavers are embarrassing, so go out there and better define your inner labia! There are all sorts of packages and discount coupons out there for every income bracket. But if you're going for the dilly-deluxe chotch I suggest you spend the money and let the real pros do it. Everyone will love it! It will gain celebrity status; hey it might even help get you a promotion. So, next time you're admiring Jenna Jameson's cooter, think about how you owe it to yourself and those who have to endure your ugly box. And once you've got your new gear, head on down to the local waxing salon, get yourself a Brazilian and that pair of crotchless panties you've been eyeing, 'cause you deserve it!