I found this article while rooting around in some of The Fed's older filing cabinets, and I find it remarkable how little has changed since the days of yore. When exactly was "yore" anyway?

From The Federalist, September 1754

O but to marvel at the glorious inequities of our equally glorious, and unsurprisingly laborious, College of our King George, set upon the soil of Grand New York in this Year of our Lord! Praise the inequities? - You ask. Certainly, but I speak not of those simplistic distinctions between the enlightened and those of more Base predilections; nor do I refer to inescapable differences between the King's Race and that of the Negroe or Savage. Rather, I speak of the most obvious, yet most Oft overlooked injustice of all - this Year are we all Fresh-Men, and so, alas, Rue this time as One lacking in sexual congress.

Should we Fine Fellows be placed higher amongst our Peers, we should see ourselves as Senior to their Junior, Upperclassmen to their soporific, sophomoric wise-Fools. But know that from this day, we embark as equal Underclassmen, and share the same fate - it shall be some time before we feel the touch of a comely maid.

However, should we as fine and able men condemn ourselves to a life of shameful celibacy but for the artificial (and for some of us, not-quite-temporary) denigration of our High Status? Nay! I say! For let it be known throughout the Land, The King's College Federalist has the Solution!:

Point the First - Consumption of Spirituous Beverages - Man Lives not by Bread alone, but perhaps a pint of Liquid-Bread is the shot you need to reconsider the company of less-savory Women. As scrawled on a certain Tavern wall:

Thou mortal man that livest by bread,
What makes thy face to look so red?
Thou silly fop that looks so pale,
'Tis red with thin King's College ale!

After a few drinks, perhaps we might consider "fop" a lucky ribald verb, so long as the "fops" in the readership remember the fundamental differences between an arse and a quim!

Point the Second - Falsifying of Keen Interests - Perhaps a corollary to the above postulate, We find that the fop beats the brute to the quim in the absence of Brewed Ales. Yet, the wise Gentleman should not stake his Evening or Manhood on this sad fact.

Point the Third - Campus living is for the meek. Does your motley gang waste precious Candle-light opining over arithmetic and theory (Engineers, ha!) As Robert Beverly opined few Decades back:

May wrath divine then lay those regions waste
Where no man's faithful nor a woman chaste

In other words, the Heated Male would be best to take his Heated Pal across the river to the Jersey Colony. The College of Jersey was There Established eight years hence, and from the accounts of most York Gentlemen, it has already become quite the "region wasted," intellectually speaking at least. Should but Beverly's logic hold True...

Point the Fourth - Listen to the Forbearers Though We certainly fancy ourselves more Advanced and Enlightened than those who preceded Us, perhaps We should swallow our pride, so that perhaps some young ladies might swallow Ours as well. Says the renowned William Penn -

Wit is an happy and striking way of expressing a Thought.
'T is not often tho' it be lively and mantling, that it carries a great Body with it.

Wit therefore is fitter for Diversion than Business, being more grateful to Fancy than Business Are you carrying a Great Body along with your Great Wit? Seems some here have a head start!

So there You have it: Spirits, Lies, Strangers, and Wit. That is all ye need know. Unless You also belong to the previously noted base Classes, Savages, and Negroe Servantry, who I am told compensate for their Dunder-pates with more...Tangible Assets. Damn our feeble English Bishops!