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In This Issue

• Get Your Freak On, Dorks
• (Almost) Rejected by Israeli Security
• Beaten by the Retard: Adventures in Drama
• Letters to and from the Fed's Maxima and Co.
• Columbia Hipsters Are So Shallow You Think You’re in High School
• Are You a Terrorist? The Government's Shocking Answer
• Failed Terrorist Herbie Bin Laden Marries Jewish Wife, Dabbles in Scientology
• Poetry.com: Your High School Poems are Waiting for You…
• Bottled Water: Bigger than Jesus, and now Semen Free
• Revolve magazine: The Seventeenth Seal
• I Passed the Oral but Failed the Urine
• Horribly Hassled Hermaphrodites Harangue Humanity
• Trial and Error Your Way to Perfect Genital Design
• Shot Down! : Rejections Made Simple
• Your College Essay, but with less Suck
• New Twenties Bring Back Tired Old Monopoly Money Jokes

According to the intelligence community, the most recent audiotape from Osama bin Laden has only reiterated the urgency of the United States’ war on terror.  While President Darkwing Duck continues chasing the evildoers, the ranks of terrorist organizations have swelled.  New recruits, many of them skipping college and going straight to organizations like Al Qaeda and Hamas are charmed out of their sanity (and pants) with signing bonuses ranging from eponymous splinter factions to an eternity spent with enough fresh poon to make NAMBLA jealous (‘cause once you flip it over, a virgin cornhole is a virgin cornhole).

These promising youngsters hone their Allah-given skills at the "terrorist camps" of journalistic lore; institutions with exacting criteria for attendees and acceptance rates low enough to intimidate all but the brightest prospects.  Sprinkled like delectably violent chocolate chips throughout the gooey cookie that is Asia, these camps are bastions of lunacy in an increasingly disapproving world.  They were the first stop on the road to infamy for such luminaries as Sheikh Ahmed Yassin, Izzedine al-Qassam, Abu Abbas, Bashir Gemayel, and Imad Mugniyah (in answer to the questions that my effortless naming of obscure terrorists may have raised, yes, I am Lebanese, and yes, I am a filthy terrorist heathen, albeit a Catholic one). 

There has been one story, however, that has been overlooked in the recent media focus on international terrorism.  That is the story of the failed terrorist.  Journalists do not report these stories of shattered dreams and unfulfilled aspirations.  The shocking truth is that young terrorists almost never make the big leagues.  More often than not, they are lucky if they live out their lives in middle management in a Quebecois separatist group.  This is the story of one such terrorist.

Herbie bin Laden came of age in late-80s Egypt where he fantasized about one day becoming a member of his older cousin Osama’s coterie.  Between sessions of learning the Quran by rote, young Herbie would go into his backyard and practice declaring jihad and issuing fatwahs.  In 1993, Herbie flew to Sudan after winning acceptance to a three-week summer camp operated by Osama.  In the first week, Herbie impressed the camp instructors with his Kalashnikov proficiency and monkey bar skill.  He made several appearances in one of the camp’s promotional videos, listed in the credits as both "Hooded Man Scaling a Short Wooden Wall #3" and "Consultant for Jumping Over Metal Bars."

Shortly after the video shoot, Herbie’s camp experience turned sour.  His mentors began to question his commitment to violent zealotry after a campmate, the unfortunately named Hassan Goldberg, reported overly sensitive comments that the younger bin Laden allegedly made.  Goldberg commented on the episode: "First, I know what you’re thinking, but rest assured that I despise the Zionist entity.  They stole our land, plus they tried to take credit for falafel.  Anyway, Herbie and I were going to bed in our tent, when I heard some noise coming from his sleeping bag.  I asked him if he was alright, and he said, ‘Yeah, I guess.  I was just thinking about this movie I saw.  It’s called Life Is Beautiful, and it was really very touching.  Roberto Benigni in the performance of a lifetime.  I totally recommend it.  But don’t watch it with the guys, though – it’s a bit of a tearjerker.  Down with the infidel and down with the Great Satan.  Goodnight,’" Hassan continued, "I mean, I’m as big a film buff as the next guy, but this was a goddamn terrorist camp, not day camp for sentimental pansies.  I also found it suspicious that he was talking about a movie that wouldn’t be released for another five years."

When counselors caught wind of the incident, Herbie bin Laden was immediately dismissed from the camp and sent back to Egypt where his family disowned him.  He was cast into the streets and forced to sleep behind Egyptian restaurants; a period during which he developed, in his words, "a pretty righteous case of gingivitis."  From there he traveled to the Gulf, searching desperately for job openings at Arab capital bureaus of various terrorist powerhouses.  He finally secured a job, but after two years, he hit a glass ceiling in the mailroom at Islamic Jihad’s Al Manamah headquarters.  

Ten years after his scarring experience at the Sudanese camp, Herbie has moved out of the fast lane.  After abandoning Bahraini Islamic Jihad’s mailroom, he immigrated to Holland, where he put aside his past ambitions and became a shoemaker.  He recently turned 33 and, along with his wife Hadassah, just welcomed a baby girl into the world.  He says he enjoys his new life, noting, "Ever since I left my cousin’s business, I feel like a calm has entered my life.  I converted to Scientology, and I hope to go Clear after a lot of hard thinking, many auditing sessions, and a balmy three-way with Travolta and Cruise."  Settling down after a life spent trying to find himself, Herbie bin Laden fancies himself an example for young terrorists everywhere to look up to: a man who defined for his people what it means to shoot for the stars, fall short, move to Scandinavia, and marry a Jew.