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In This Issue

• Get Your Freak On, Dorks
• (Almost) Rejected by Israeli Security
• Beaten by the Retard: Adventures in Drama
• Letters to and from the Fed's Maxima and Co.
• Columbia Hipsters Are So Shallow You Think You’re in High School
• Are You a Terrorist? The Government's Shocking Answer
• Failed Terrorist Herbie Bin Laden Marries Jewish Wife, Dabbles in Scientology
• Poetry.com: Your High School Poems are Waiting for You…
• Bottled Water: Bigger than Jesus, and now Semen Free
• Revolve magazine: The Seventeenth Seal
• I Passed the Oral but Failed the Urine
• Horribly Hassled Hermaphrodites Harangue Humanity
• Trial and Error Your Way to Perfect Genital Design
• Shot Down! : Rejections Made Simple
• Your College Essay, but with less Suck
• New Twenties Bring Back Tired Old Monopoly Money Jokes

How long did God think before designing human beings? A joint effort of Johns Hopkins University and the American Theological Seminary recently tried to figure out the mysteries of those parts for which we all live: gonads. Yes, it may seem obvious that our reproductive pieces are the results of many centuries of evolution. However, recent evidence refutes the happenstance nature of our privy portions.

When asked, "Does God reject initial versions of sex parts before the final copy?" the good folks at American Theological replied with a resounding "Yes." Rev. Dirk Nerfmann elucidates:

"We called God and asked Him if He had gone through any drafts when designing sex organs, and He told us that He had. Several of the male versions were far too powerful, blowing through uteruses right and left. That’s what really happened to Adam’s first wife, Lilith.  God had to make some adjustments before trying again with Eve. Likewise, with the female first drafts, the spunk receptacles,’ as He put it, were a tad too demanding once the male members had been properly calibrated. They actually measured the amount of semen and immediately determined if the loads were enough to be considered "child-bearing." Should they fail in this test of manhood, they were ritualistically castrated with rudimentary hedge clippers."

After He told us all this, we were instructed not to question His infallibility—just because He experimented, doesn’t mean He’s less inclined to ‘shove a lightning bolt up yo’ ass.’"

Additionally, the Department of Biological Sciences (Evolutionary subdivision) of Johns Hopkins Medical School has agreed that there are evolutionary signs of different reproductive parts. As some may remember, Dr. Donald Johnson discovered the skeleton of Australopithecus "Lucy" in Ethiopia in 1974. This female fossil showed evidence of gonads that "Loved the man-bone," according to Johns Hopkins Medical Fellow Dr. Cornelius Labelend. Dr. Labelend told reporters of how he hypothesized that "Lucy" was probably one of the last species to enjoy cock so much, due to the accommodating features, and smaller brain capacity of the female:

"Apparently, women actually liked sex. They didn’t require doped booze or ‘nose-candy’ [blow, dust, cocaine, etc.] in order to appreciate ramrods of any sort. Furthermore, they seemed to have tighter, more sensitive cha-chas, so the males did not have to not feel dejected when they received the response ‘It was okay, hon, really.’"

The Dean of the Medical School of Johns Hopkins was unavailable for comment via interview, but provided this brief statement:

"It pleases me to provide to the world, under the auspices and development of Johns Hopkins University, the result of these findings regarding the sex parts of humans. After several months of correspondence with the American Theological Seminary, it has been confirmed that God attempted several different designs before settling on our current ‘clam-and-pipe-cleaner’ setup. We have been informed that the Almighty wishes to perfect sex, due to His own frustrations."

When asked about these frustrations, God was unavailable for comment. However, the Archangel Michael , on an unrelated conference call, alluded to the frustrations of the Deity, saying, "The only chick He’s ever banged was a fourteen year old Mesopotamian Hood Rat. And He couldn’t have done that great of a job. That jail-bait was still a virgin afterwards! And then she went cryin’ to her older sister!" American Theological sources indicate that Michael was censured by God later that week.

In sum, shaking it like a Polaroid picture, although fun, and dangerous in so many ways, is the pinnacle of a combined evolutionary and divine effort. Millions of years and dozens of prayers have amounted to some of the funniest looking equipment imaginable, and even after God’s numerous rejects we’re still plugging away.