• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• Get Your Freak On, Dorks
• (Almost) Rejected by Israeli Security
• Beaten by the Retard: Adventures in Drama
• Letters to and from the Fed's Maxima and Co.
• Columbia Hipsters Are So Shallow You Think You’re in High School
• Are You a Terrorist? The Government's Shocking Answer
• Failed Terrorist Herbie Bin Laden Marries Jewish Wife, Dabbles in Scientology
• Poetry.com: Your High School Poems are Waiting for You…
• Bottled Water: Bigger than Jesus, and now Semen Free
• Revolve magazine: The Seventeenth Seal
• I Passed the Oral but Failed the Urine
• Horribly Hassled Hermaphrodites Harangue Humanity
• Trial and Error Your Way to Perfect Genital Design
• Shot Down! : Rejections Made Simple
• Your College Essay, but with less Suck
• New Twenties Bring Back Tired Old Monopoly Money Jokes

RE: paper condom...

It's 4:00 am, and this is what a bunch of SEAS people figured out (and two CC people, but they're asian so... you know).

George Liao

Dear George,

For God’s Sake, DON’T USE THE PAPER CONDOM!!!! Even if it IS with Asian friends. Regardless of the ethnicity of your sexual partners, or the awesome strength of the Fed’s content, newsprint does not protect against cooties OR the nerd contagion that you might catch from those weird SEAS kids. Watch out! We need to keep the University’s numbers of engineers down, do not allow them to lay their seed in you.  Having an engineer’s baby is not unlike that spaghetti chest-burster scene in Alien.

All my love,

Kate, Feditor-in-Chief

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Congratulations Max,

The Fed is not stalking you.  You have won the privilege of not being stalked by the Fed.  Consider yourself safe.

Katie, A Head Submissions Editor

Dear Fed,

Why am I not stalked... maybe I wanted to be stalked... now I don't know what to think.

Max

Dear Max,

Do you really want us to stalk you? We might get one of our SEAS staff members to lay his or her seed in your anus, and then the Fed’s engineering baby will burst out of your chest like that dinner scene in Alien.

Oh no!

Kate, Feditrix

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Fed,

So odwalla bars are disgusting to you?

Dear Reader,

Yes.

What are they to you?

Blue?

This is getting slightly too post-colonial, post-feminist, touchy-feely subjective for me.

Ethan S. Heitner, Fublisher

[ed. note: Odwalla Bars burst out of your chest in a violent spray of your own blood and guts after a short gestation period if you eat them.]

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Yo Fed!

when is the next meeting?

            My dog ate the copy of the fed I found under my door. I want to be a writer and learn your strange ways. Just tell me when and where the meeting is.

Peace out

Ruth C '07

Yo Ruth!

Yo COLUMBIA!

Everyone is welcome at our meetings. Everyone is welcome to write, even without coming to meetings, but meetings, nonetheless, are at 9pm Sundays in the Lerner West 5th Floor Club Space. Or email thefed@columbia.edu. Also, meetings are generally where overly recycled jokes tend to explode out of our torsoes and scuttle around the room squealing, trying to escape, just like in Alien. Those jokes are rarely ever seen again unless they are busy  bleeding acid onto a writer’s head from where they hide perched on the ceiling before tearing him or her in half.

Love,

Maxima Kate

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear freshman Feddies:

            Can I just say you newbies were totally hot. I haven't seen such attractive new Feddies since the Hottie Wave of '01. And I've seen some hott 18-year-olds in my time, and you all are cream of the crop. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to see more Fedcest under my reign this year, eh? whoo-hoo hoo!

cough.

sorry.

I'll try to refrain from sexually harassing you all any more.

Kate, Editor-in-Chief

Dear Kate,

thats ok, i like sexual harassment. i mean sex.

mcclaine

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Fed,

What is the motto in latin? and english for the undergraduate liberal arts college? Thanks

Dear Reader,

Our school motto is “In lumine tuo videbimus lumen,” or roughly translated, “In your stomach we will see translucent eggs laid,” which we can only assume will be followed by a creature busting out of your chest like in the spaghetti scene in Alien.

Kate, Feditrix