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In This Issue

• Get Your Freak On, Dorks
• (Almost) Rejected by Israeli Security
• Beaten by the Retard: Adventures in Drama
• Letters to and from the Fed's Maxima and Co.
• Columbia Hipsters Are So Shallow You Think You’re in High School
• Are You a Terrorist? The Government's Shocking Answer
• Failed Terrorist Herbie Bin Laden Marries Jewish Wife, Dabbles in Scientology
• Poetry.com: Your High School Poems are Waiting for You…
• Bottled Water: Bigger than Jesus, and now Semen Free
• Revolve magazine: The Seventeenth Seal
• I Passed the Oral but Failed the Urine
• Horribly Hassled Hermaphrodites Harangue Humanity
• Trial and Error Your Way to Perfect Genital Design
• Shot Down! : Rejections Made Simple
• Your College Essay, but with less Suck
• New Twenties Bring Back Tired Old Monopoly Money Jokes

You, me, handcuffs, and whipped cream: interested?

Without you . . . definitely.

Sex is a killer...want to die happy?

I am a killer…want to die right now, in lots of little pieces?

You have a gorgeous smile. Smiling’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Rejecting you’s the first.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Walk by again, because it was pretty damn funny the first time and I need another good laugh.

The only thing your eyes haven’t told me is your name.

Neither will I.

Mean people suck, nice people swallow, and you look really nice tonight.

Ugly people get bitten, and you’re really ugly.

Hi. Are you legal?

No, and my daddy’s a cop.

You must live on a chicken farm, because you sure know how to raise cocks!

Yes, and I also know how to cut off their heads with butcher knives and not feel guilty while they run around screaming afterwards

How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Un-fertilized, thank you.

I’m a necrophiliac... How well do you play dead?

Not as well as you will be able to if you try to sleep with me…

You seem to like jigsaw puzzles. Let’s go to my room and put our pieces together.

I don’t think we can. You seem to be missing the big one.

Since you like to dissect insects for scientific research, I thought you might want to look inside my fly.

I’d be glad to. Hang on while I get my scalpel.

I’ve heard you’re a math person. Let’s add you to me, subtract your clothes, divide your legs, and multiply.

You can’t perform those calculations without paying attention to significant digits... and you obviously don’t have one.

Hello, can I offer you eight inches of strength and sensitivity?

No, my boy friend’s ten inches.

You remind me of a blue-ribbon bass, I don’t know whether to mount you or eat you.

Neither. You need a bigger rod than that to reel me in.

Help the homeless. Take me home with you.

*hands him a quarter and walks away*