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In This Issue

• Get Your Freak On, Dorks
• (Almost) Rejected by Israeli Security
• Beaten by the Retard: Adventures in Drama
• Letters to and from the Fed's Maxima and Co.
• Columbia Hipsters Are So Shallow You Think You’re in High School
• Are You a Terrorist? The Government's Shocking Answer
• Failed Terrorist Herbie Bin Laden Marries Jewish Wife, Dabbles in Scientology
• Poetry.com: Your High School Poems are Waiting for You…
• Bottled Water: Bigger than Jesus, and now Semen Free
• Revolve magazine: The Seventeenth Seal
• I Passed the Oral but Failed the Urine
• Horribly Hassled Hermaphrodites Harangue Humanity
• Trial and Error Your Way to Perfect Genital Design
• Shot Down! : Rejections Made Simple
• Your College Essay, but with less Suck
• New Twenties Bring Back Tired Old Monopoly Money Jokes

The term ‘domestic terrorism’ means activities that…involve acts dangerous to human life that are a violation [sic] of the criminal laws of the United States or of any State; appear to be intended to intimidate or coerce a civilian population, and influence the policy of a government by intimidation or coercion"

-USA PATRIOT Act

There is a terrorist threat in our country, and that’s a fact. Up until I read this portion of the PATRIOT Act, I figured the government was going after all the big, scary Islamic extremist followers of Osama (who rules them from the Bahamas), who want to blow shit up and otherwise hurt America. But no! Upon reading this, I realized that the definition of terrorist was much broader; it can and does apply to U.S. citizens who perform acts that are, as stated above, dangerous to human life and politically motivated. I will now list some groups that I previously thought innocuous, but whom I now realize are terrorists coming to get me.

PETA: Ok, lots of you have probably heard about People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals’ status as a potential domestic terrorist organization. Upon doing some research, I found out that PeTA and their followers are far from harmless. According to the other PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals), they have engaged in numerous campaigns meant to both intimidate and coerce the civilian population…into eating "delicious meat-free cuisine." This is clearly  culinary code for “terrorism.” In a recent campaign, they used a picture of Rudy Giuliani wearing a milk mustache, above the words "got prostate cancer?" Scary and intimidating? You bet your cancer-patient fellatio it is. 

Nobody has even yet mentioned the silent helpers in all this. Yes, I’m talking about the animals. It is against the Act to aid terrorist groups financially or otherwise. Did the "innocent" animals (lambies, kitties, Pamela Anderson-ies etc.) ever stop to think about that before parading their furry, lithe little bodies in front of the cameras of PETA propagandists? Of course they did…they thought "baaa, meow, and jiggle, death to America now!" All of a sudden, my vegan tofu cheesecake doesn’t taste so sweet.

The kids in my town: are a bunch of stay-at-home hippies with nothing better to do than drink coffee, smoke pot, feed the homeless, and express their political views…and I want desperately to be accepted by them. I can stop washing everyone’s buckets after Food Not Bombs though, as I must now disassociate myself from these probable terrorists.

Case in point: in a recent protest, they all lay down in the middle of the street holding big anti-war signs and were promptly arrested for blocking traffic. Criminal act meant to influence politics? You betcha. Danger to human life? Duh, their own! They could have been hit by an angry motorist anxious to get to work and make more of those awesome American dollars. What have I learned here? They may be enormously cooler than me, but at least I’m not a terrorist (that I know of).

Yo’ Mama: Terrorist to the max. Need I say more?

The very government that’s trying to save us!: As it turns out, we’re not even safe from our friend the federal government. As stated above, aiding terrorist groups is against the Act. Anti-abortion extremists like Army of God (jihad, anyone?) who love "children born and unborn" (though the unborn are admittedly sloppier to hold) have killed loads of people, but the government seems pretty okay with it...no single anti-abortion murderer has been put to death to date. In fact, judging from the recent legislation banning the politically-designated "partial birth" abortions (contrary to popular belief, this is not a way for lazy welfare moms to save money on condoms and tampons), I’d say they’re well on their way to total acquiescence! Poor little guys…scared to death of those fanatical Christians. If I weren’t so sure of the pure motives of our government, I might even suspect they were fanatical Christians themselves!

If we can’t trust the federal government, is there really anyone left who hasn’t been coerced into helping THEM? As I can no longer eat, pay taxes, speak out against racism or even go home, I am left no choice…my secret space capsule, a boogeyman-avoidance project I began as a child, will soon be ready, and I can only hope it will take me to a planet rife with superior life forms, oceans of candy, and absolutely no terrorists.