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In This Issue

• Todurken: Hot Poultry Threesome
• New York City Hates The Homeless (Surprise!)
• Pope Lives It Up In Final Days
• Letters to the Feditrix: We Want Orangutans!
• Columbia's Investments Are Really Shady (Another Surprise!)
• Italian Neo-Fascism: Sexier than Ever
• Hidden Origins of your Favorite Holidays
• Macy's Parade Unites Jaded New Yorkers in Disgust
• Slow Motion Gunfight Saves Christmas
• Barnard Feminists Full of It (You Guessed It!)
• Reality TV to follow Nike's Lead, Exploit Third World Women
• Fed Staffer Admits Inappropriate Santa Fantasies
• Family Time Blows (Got you Again!)
• The Obligatory Vegan Option: Tofurky
• Why Holiday Diversity Scares Me
• A Paris Hilton Holiday Comic
• Your Retirement Fund
• Silent Vengeance: Book II
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• Robot Ninjas vs. Zombie Vikings

Dear Fedfaces,

Confidential sources recently leaked to me a bit of appalling information concerning your newspaper. It seems you intend to purchase an orangutan to perform layout tasks and throw its own dung at people whom you don't approve of. I would like to let you know that I, and many other Columbia students, find this plan disgusting and inhumane - be it a Sumatran or Bornean orang'.

Any human being with a conscious knows that orangutans are meant to use computers and toss feces in the wild, where they belong. My fellow students and I would like to make vocal our opposition to your device plot. Cease and desist - you've been warned.

Sincerely,

P. Randall Whittle

GSAS '04

 

Dear Mr. Whittle,

I would like to address your concern and be able to say that no, indeed, the Fed would never do something as inhumane as all that.I'd like to say that the Fed is more sensitive to the big brown expressive almost-human eyes of those dopey ol' primates, and that we want to set orangutans everywhere free into the wilds of Singapore to do layout as they so saw fit.

But that would be lying to you, our readers. Let's face it. If we're willing to misuse human staff members and force them into doing our layout, an orangutan's almost-human eyes are only more of an incentive to enslave them. Especially since they can't speak English and won't ever be able to talk back.

Fact is, The Fed is looking for an orangutan. However, SDA this year chose to give us a painfully small budget, especially considering that every business in the neighborhood thinks we're offensive and won't advertise with us. So we're not looking to purchase so much as adopt, steal, or trade for an orangutan.

On that note: Dear Columbia, if anyone has an orangutan they are willing to trade for, please contact thefed@columbia.edu. We'll trade you the original September 1985 issue of Playboy, the one with the nudie shots of a young Madonna, and one staff member of your choice. Offer limited to non-executive staff members.

Also, dude, no way: God invented orangutans for novelty, human company, and to labor in the service of people. Ask any British colonialist, ya jerk. He'll tell you.

Love,

The Kate Editor.

 

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Dear Feditor:

Please give back Mr. Pibb. He is a good Orangutan and never hurt anybody. I miss him very much, and without his protection, and tigers come ever closer. So close.

Why did you steal my ape? BAD FED.

Sincerely,

M. Theadore Holden

CC '05

 

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Dear Matt,

As a staff member, you should know two things.

1) We don't have an orangutan! I keep trying to get one, but they're kinda illegal. Fucking endangered species laws.

2) We don't publish letters from staff members!

3) We never, ever, EVER publish fake letters, that's for damn sure. Well, except for this one time. Its a slow time of year for letters to the Feditor. Go figure.

Shut up, Matt, I know that was three things and not two. Bite me. This is really hard to write with you looking over my shoulder.

Fucking insubordinate graphics editor. Have I mentioned that we need an orangutan for that too?

Dear Columbia, if anyone has two orangutans to give us. . .

Sincerely,

Kate, Feditrix

 

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Dear Feditor,

Let me begin by praising your makers for giving you such a kickass name, I mean, holy crap man, you can walk into any bar and say, "Hey lovely lady, I am Feditor. Come with me to my lair of smut if you want to live" and I'll be damned if your not swimming in some lucky ladies love lotion by sunrise. But I digress, what I really want to talk about is your investigative journalism. I thoroughly enjoyed your piece on the outbreak of Chilean Assface Trauma in the lower part of the upper Midwest. I HAD NO IDEA! When I read about this crazy stuff my pants dropped to my ankles! Anyway, I have to go and eat some Mac & Cheese, just wanted to give you the props you deserve. I mean crap man you're the FEDITOR!

Sincerely yours,

Kracken.