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Now With Added Menace!
Issue 19.4: Home For The Holidays
Posted:

Pope Lives It Up In Final Days

God Renounces Pope's Support For Medicinal Crack

Neil Young

Matt Holden
The Pope Goes on a Pilgrimage to Downtown Miami.

Bible-humpers in chapels and cathedrals all across the globe better watch out. Prayer is more powerful than ever, and it's having unexpected consequences. God's getting grammatically correct on your ass. One complaint too many about split infinitives sent our Creator over the edge. Now, when you pray for the children in Taiwan to find escape from their misery, they escape with the Angel of Death. Next time you pray that you wanna get laid, Bubba's gonna fuck you right in yo' ass. If you pray for death in order to escape your problems, a lightning bolt will hit you right upside the head. The fine line between prayer and murder now no longer exists.

God's been sick of his followers for a while now. The average American believes he can go to a room for an hour every Sunday in order to gain eternal life. Not a bad deal! Little Johnny even gets a little play from the Reverend! Put a quarter in the Poor Box, and you're done with your good deeds for the day.Given that I am a direct descendant of Noah, champion boat-builder (you should see the bumpin' yacht I just built for P. Diddy), God came to me with the news of his new plans. My job isn't very complicated. In fact, it's easier than Mary Magdalene herself. All I have to do is exact revenge upon those listed on "God's Hitlist." On His "Hitlist" are those he considers responsible for the destruction of moral values. First on His list is the Pope.God is really pissed about the Pope's infallibility. Central to the teachings of the Catholic Church is that all people make mistakes. But the Pope is infallible: so everything he does is the right thing to do. These two essential Catholic beliefs are in direct conflict. God has decided that he needs to save his people by pointing out the hypocrisies that the Pope practices and teaches. Per the Big Man's orders, I have come up with five ideas that should show the world what a fool old John Paul is. I'm gonna hit media, entertainment, and even dessert. I'm gonna lambaste mainstream culture and hopefully the Catholics will help me bring down J. Pizzle like the bitch he is.

POPE? OR NOPE?

Like the classic army game, priests and deacons alike can play this one for fun in their convents. Everyone else guesses if it's really a "Pope" in the priest's hand, or if it's just his thumb. Winner gets a blowjob. Guaranteed laughs!

POPE ON DOPE

This reality television show is sure to test Pope's patience when a brother from the hood is randomly selected to go to Vatican City and "Pope it up" for twenty-four hours. Watch Christ get his freak on while the Holy Spirit sets the whole joint aflame! Get me to a nunnery!

POPE SCOPES

The Big Man is superimposed on a classic family beach picture. Watch the Pope build sandcastles and work his mojo on the ladies. Remember when the Pope lost his trunks in the water? Take home your souvenir of Father Catholicism in the most precarious situations! Silly Pope!

POPESICLES

"Mommy, can we have dessert yet??" Sweet tooths from everywhere will unite in hopes of getting their lips around these giant popesicles! They might not taste good, but they sure are fun!

POPE ON A ROPE

The Holy Father is suspended from the roof of the Sistene Chapel. Every time someone commits a sin, he is lowered another half inch closer to the pit of alligators below. Now sins truly have the Pope in MORTAL danger!

So maybe this will help these blind Catholics see the light. Otherwise, God told me he might try sporting a yarmulke.