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In This Issue

• Todurken: Hot Poultry Threesome
• New York City Hates The Homeless (Surprise!)
• Pope Lives It Up In Final Days
• Letters to the Feditrix: We Want Orangutans!
• Columbia's Investments Are Really Shady (Another Surprise!)
• Italian Neo-Fascism: Sexier than Ever
• Hidden Origins of your Favorite Holidays
• Macy's Parade Unites Jaded New Yorkers in Disgust
• Slow Motion Gunfight Saves Christmas
• Barnard Feminists Full of It (You Guessed It!)
• Reality TV to follow Nike's Lead, Exploit Third World Women
• Fed Staffer Admits Inappropriate Santa Fantasies
• Family Time Blows (Got you Again!)
• The Obligatory Vegan Option: Tofurky
• Why Holiday Diversity Scares Me
• A Paris Hilton Holiday Comic
• Your Retirement Fund
• Silent Vengeance: Book II
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• Robot Ninjas vs. Zombie Vikings

This fall season, Fox, eternally desperate for content that does not involve coked up grizzly bears beating the shit out of family vacationers, is recycling the Joe Millionaire concept in The Next Joe Millionaire: An International Affair. The new Joe is a studly young rodeo cowboy from Texas. He is the first problem with the show. Fucking Roy Rogers here doesn't need to lie about his lack of a bank account-- he's a cowboy, goddamn it! Rodeo cowboys are the official babe magnets of poor white trash. He looks like he belongs in a Playgirl Fantasies calendar next to the dead firefighter and the guy wearing a little black bowtie around his nutsack. What a douche.

Now, a dozen women from various trendy European locales will be trying to win Roy's heart. They think it's cool that he's a cowboy, and even cooler that he supposedly has an 80 million dollar fortune in oil. From this I am led to conclude that these women are actually Americans with funny accents. Real Europeans don't think cowboys are cool; they know that they're cold-blooded murderers who drive their literal bayonets into papooses and their figurative bayonets into young squaw Running Bear, paying no heed as she cries out for the loss of husband, home, and culture. He then infects her with smallpox.

Real-life European women are liberated: they don't even shave their armpits. They certainly don't just lie down and spread for blood-money buffalo slaughterers like the trailer chicks back home do.

Still, Europe sucks. Ask Rumsfeld. Or the Aztecs. The new season should have been filmed in some third world country in Asia. Asian girls are really cute because even when they're thirty they look like they're fourteen (and if they really are fourteen, that's legal over there too). Their countries don't have unpleasant political views- they're much too afraid our army will humiliate them the same way we humiliated Vietnam back in the sixties. Best of all, women who engage in a life of back-breaking sweatshop labor or meager subsistence farming in shit-poor countries will be just that much more desperate to hook up with Joe for his money. In fact, the producers wouldn't even have to go through all the trouble of making Joe appear fantastically wealthy. They could just tell the women that he makes $11,000 a year and if they marry him they can get a green card and be smuggled out of their rotten hellhole of a homeland. The twist is that Joe is really a deranged, unemployed homeless man wanted by the Feds for a string of child abductions.

In the first episode, the women will be taken to Joe's "mansion", which is actually a two-room suite in a Motel Six, where, in their strange clicking and humming language, they will discuss their strategies to win Joe. The two big ones will be "Sucky-sucky, me love you long time," and "When he sees how poor I am and how desperate, he will have to help me. I will take good care of him and be eternally grateful." Needless to say, all the women hoping to employ this latter strategy are eliminated by the second episode.

The women will also speak longingly about the luxuries they imagine in their lives with Joe. Popular sentiments include "Wouldn't it be nice not to have to sew soccer balls in a putrid overcrowded factory for 16 hours a day?", "It must be so wonderful to always have enough to eat," and "They have toilets there to flush away our filth so we don't have to sleep in it!"

The best part will be the rejections. This is where Third World Joe Millionaire really beats the stupid European one. These women are desperate. They have nowhere else to go. The sweatshop where they used to work will already have fired them for missing three days of work. Their families will have disowned them for whoring themselves to the dirty white man and his filthy televised smut. They will have risked quite literally everything they ever had (granted it wasn't much to begin with) for a chance to start a new life with Joe in lower-middle class America.

If they are rejected, a life of street prostitution and eventual arrest and execution at the hands of a brutal military junta awaits. They will beg, scream, cry, and moan. They will hold onto the legs of the table and dig their nails into the curtains in order to thwart security's attempts to remove them from the premises. They will swear every oath they know that if they are only given one more chance they will be perfect and everything Joe has ever dreamed of. If he only asks all will be his! Joe, not understanding the language of their pitiful pleading and tortured screams, and not understanding the soul-wrenching desperation fr0m which they stem, will smile uncomfortably and wish the failed contestants better luck in the future. As he grows accustomed to their horrific cries, he may accompany the well-wishing with a slight smirk. It will be the greatest moment in television history.

In the season's hilarious conclusion, Joe will be forced to reveal to his woman of choice that he is a wanted fugitive and there will be no green card marriage; it was all a lie to boost ratings. These women will have prostituted themselves, destroyed their futures, and lost every shred of basic human dignity only to see even the winner walk away from the motel empty-handed and return to a life of begging on the street followed by eventual death from malnutrition or cholera. Critics will call it "a powerful social critique hidden behind a clever populist facade," "the most profound vision of modern existentialism ever offered on Fox Mondays," and "a rollicking, high-spirited, edge-of-your-seat good time." Now isn't that more fun than a barrel full of easy jokes about Fiats, cheese, and liederhosen?