• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• Todurken: Hot Poultry Threesome
• New York City Hates The Homeless (Surprise!)
• Pope Lives It Up In Final Days
• Letters to the Feditrix: We Want Orangutans!
• Columbia's Investments Are Really Shady (Another Surprise!)
• Italian Neo-Fascism: Sexier than Ever
• Hidden Origins of your Favorite Holidays
• Macy's Parade Unites Jaded New Yorkers in Disgust
• Slow Motion Gunfight Saves Christmas
• Barnard Feminists Full of It (You Guessed It!)
• Reality TV to follow Nike's Lead, Exploit Third World Women
• Fed Staffer Admits Inappropriate Santa Fantasies
• Family Time Blows (Got you Again!)
• The Obligatory Vegan Option: Tofurky
• Why Holiday Diversity Scares Me
• A Paris Hilton Holiday Comic
• Your Retirement Fund
• Silent Vengeance: Book II
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• Robot Ninjas vs. Zombie Vikings

In the US, Thanksgiving is but the first of many holidays that we God-fearing, Freedom-Fry eating Americans can look forward to. As most of us know, Thanksgiving is the story of the Pilgrims and Indians and being thankful for food and stuff.

But, contrary to this popular belief, Thanksgiving really originated in the year 239, when the epic war between the zombie Vikings and the robot ninjas of Nova Scotia finally came to a close. Thanksgiving is for all to enjoy. Even those homeless people who eat your donated cans of creamed sweet peas and cat food.

As for we slitty-eyed folk, there is nothing more satisfying than stabbing our chopsticks into a dinner of sweet and sour turkey, stir fried stuffing, and Sze-chwan style mashed potatoes.

With the fall semester winding down, we once again enter into the cycle of festivities and good tidings. During this time, it is important to keep in mind our multi-colored friends and learn about their peculiar- smelling ways. Because, while most of us are gorging our disgustingly bloated bellies, some unfortunate folk are out there starving in order to please their heathen god with 17 arms and 4 spleens.

On November 22nd, the penultimate day of Ramadan, Muslims will celebrate Laylat-al-Qadr, or "night of power." It is believed that on this night Allah will decide the course of the world for the following year. Back in America, the US Department of Homeland Security plans to celebrate by forming odorous pit stains and pissing their pants. The following day marks the end of Ramadan, a joyous day when millions of Muslims can finally stop eating like weak-willed anorexics and rejoice. For worshipers of Allah, this month has been a time of fasting, concentrating on their faith, and praying that Santa will bring them 72 virgins for Christmas.

For our Jewish friends, Hanukkah begins on the sundown of December 19th. While all the mensch are in temple, goyim all around the world huddle next to their TVs, eagerly awaiting yet another crappy version of Adam Sandler's "The Hanukkah Song."

Though the Festival of Lights is indeed celebrated by putting on your yarmulke and smoking your marijuana-kah, one must not forget the true purpose of Hanukkah: exploiting your rich parents for a minimum of eight presents. Yes, milk your heritage for all its worth! You'll be the envy of all the gentile kids at school!

And remember everyone, www.EverythingJewish.com says safety first: keep burning candles out of the reach of small pitsele. And, remove any fire hazards before lighting the Menorah, you meshuga!

Christmas: fat guy in a red suit, overeating, being a consumer whore. Oh, and that Jesus kid was born.

Last comes Kwanzaa, which starts on December 26th, one day after Christmas: because the white man is always trying to keep the black man down. For all you ignorant mothafuckin' mothafuckas out there, Kwanzaa was created in 1966 by Dr. Maulana Karenga as a non-religious holiday that seeks to revitalize and promote African-American culture.

One of the traditions of this holiday is that one must not mix Kwanzaa or its symbols, values, and practice with any other culture. So no, children, there IS no black Santa. The white Santa ate him.