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In This Issue

• Idiotarod: Mushing Fun in NYC
• Desensitization: It Does a Body Good
• Shit Blowing Up is So Patriotic
• Letters to the Feditrix: Hot Pre-Teen Sex!
• Point: There's No State Like a Prostrate, Girls
• CounterPoint: Assloads of Bad Stuff
• I Could be the Spectator's Sex Columnist
• Hardcore CosmoGirls Have Some Things to Learn
• Point: Shocking Apathy for Homeless
• CounterPoint: Solution for Homeless is Lock and Load
• Burbery Scarves, Labia Elephantitis Linked
• Elimidate Plays Cupid, Stupid
• Anti-Life Comics: The Great Cookie War
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• Cowboy Bush
• Uncle PennyBags Gets His Due

It's good to be a little low-key sometimes. Like, don't go humping every little thing," said Bruce, a contestant on the WB's Elimidate. Earlier, another contestant had humped a tree. He had humped a woman. He had humped her leg. "I'm known as the guy who likes to hump things for absolutely no reason," the humper proclaimed. He said that because he just humped things and didn't act like he wasn't thinking about sex 24/7; he was totally real.

Elimidate is a reality TV show featuring four contestants on a simultaneous date with a member of the opposite sex, and their date eliminates one of them after each commercial break. In the episode of the mad-humper, the other contestants included a buff bald man who characterized himself as "smooth all over," a man who said he "knew how to treat a lady," and Bruce, a normal-seeming nice guy. There was nothing wrong with him, which was odd because usually, if you're on Elimidate, there's something wrong with you. After two rounds of elimidation, only Bruce and the humper were left. The tall blonde chick picked the humper, explaining that Bruce was the kind of guy she'd really like in a few years, but right now she was looking for someone more fun, looking for some meaning in her life, and she was looking to do some humping.

Elimidate is the worst show I have ever seen, and this was the best episode I've ever seen of it. The following is a description of the worst episode of Elimidate I have ever seen:

It was one of the Slippery When Wet episodes (read: bikinis). This time four girls competed. At the beginning of the show the male told the viewers that he was looking for a girl who would look good next to him and make him look good. So of course, the first one to go was the professional bowler, the only one who seemed remotely cool, but who was just not quite so thin as the others. "I think she knew she wasn't going to win as soon as she saw what the other girls looked like," the male explains. Oooh, the viewer thinks, what an asshole! What a misogynist pig! Hey, don't go getting all self-righteous. You know you thought the same thing as soon as you saw her. Or at least, I did. I mean, I thought she was cute, but I know my Elimidate. This girl was a sitting duck. Not only was she not the hottest girl there, but she wasn't all over him like humus on a pita. She wouldn't even stoop to be bitchy to win him, and if I've learned anything from Elimidate, it's that bitchiness is for human ladies what exhibiting your red behind is for baboon ladies.
Case in point: The winner and most attractive female on this episode was the ice-bitch. I don't know why there tends to be a correspondence between attractiveness and ice-bitchiness, but I've seen a few exceptions that prove that it's not really attractiveness that makes a winner. One time there was a contestant who was a blonde seven-foot tall Swedish supermodel or something, but she commented that the other girls didn't need to be so mean, and that just made her sound like she wasn't very much fun. The real key to winning on Elimidate for women is being a bitch.

The ice-bitch on this episode was particularly good at what she did. While they were in the pool, one of the other contestants was explaining to the male what a great body she had, when Ice-Bitch cut her off by remarking that she could stand to lose about five pounds. "Are you calling me FAT?" the girl burst out. "I am not fat! I can't believe you're calling me fat!" This girl, who was not fat, quickly plummeted into a shrill hysterical defense of her thinness, which she would keep up for the rest of show. Just as she was becoming incomprehensible, Ice-Bitch asked, "Can you understand a word she's saying? Cause she is talking hella fast." Ice-Bitch strikes again.

Even when I've come to master the dynamics of Elimidate, though, and accurately predict the winners, I am still left with questions like, why am I watching this? And do they really want that jerkwad? For the first question, the only answer I can think of is that I am a bad person. But I am not a bitch. And on Elimidate, I get the chance to watch master bitches in action. They're like evil super villains who actually win. I mean it would suck if in real life the heroes were defeated and the super villains won, but on TV, wouldn't it be totally cool? Well, it's like that on Elimidate. Ice-Bitch may be evil, but she's totally badass. Same for the episodes with four guys. The Mad-Humper is totally a super villain, and it's fun to watch the bewilderment of his enemies as he humps his way to victory. "But wait," they protest as they're elimidated away, "you're not supposed to win! You're the evil one! Aaaah!" As for the second question, all I can say is, the contestants may be trashy, but I have to imagine that even trailer trash super villains have some style. It's not really the nookie that they're fighting for, but the basic human need to look good on TV.