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In This Issue

• Idiotarod: Mushing Fun in NYC
• Desensitization: It Does a Body Good
• Shit Blowing Up is So Patriotic
• Letters to the Feditrix: Hot Pre-Teen Sex!
• Point: There's No State Like a Prostrate, Girls
• CounterPoint: Assloads of Bad Stuff
• I Could be the Spectator's Sex Columnist
• Hardcore CosmoGirls Have Some Things to Learn
• Point: Shocking Apathy for Homeless
• CounterPoint: Solution for Homeless is Lock and Load
• Burbery Scarves, Labia Elephantitis Linked
• Elimidate Plays Cupid, Stupid
• Anti-Life Comics: The Great Cookie War
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• Cowboy Bush
• Uncle PennyBags Gets His Due

Dear Fed,
I am not popluar. But one of my friends are they are beinging mean to me I want to be popluar!
Help me, Breiana

Dear Breiana,
You are not crap. We'll still sit next to you. Heck, we'll sit next to you even if you are crap.
The Feditrix.

Dear Fed,
Hello, my daughter is in 7th grade and I was talking to one of her friend's mothers the other day and I heard a devastating thing. She was told by her daughter that several students are having sexual intercourses, anal sex, and oral sex in the school. I talked to my daughter and she said oh ya mom they do it all the time what's so wrong about it. I flipped out into a ball of smoke when I heard her say that. We have had the discussion before and she did not get anything from it. She says she is one of the so-called "hottys" in her class and is a very butiful girl. She has had boyfriends and gone out with them. I begged her never to take part in sexual activity. I then got the call her friends mother called and her friend said she was having oral sex with her boy friend in the bathroom. I vomited several times and passed out, when i woke up all i remembered is her boy frieind aj is coming over tonight and i am going to a party i will not be home. I canceled my invo. to the party but when i got home it was to late i found her and aj having a sexual intercourse in her bed room a very strong intercourse. There was sperm on her bed which means he injaculated sperm into her. I almost died literaly almost had a heart attack THEY ARE 12 years old and having sex she said she loved him a week ago but i knew they would probably make out but sex. I grounded her for 3 months and made her dump aj.
MY QUESTION: DO YOU THINK I SHOULD HAVE PUNISHED HER FOR HAVING SEX EVEN IF SHE SO CALLED LOVED HER BOYFRIEND PLEASE HELP
AND DO YOU THINK 12 IS EXTREMELY TO YOUNG TO BE HAVING SEX OF ANY KIND I SAY IT IS TO YOUNG BUT I NEED YOUR OPINION
Thankyou, a concered parent

Dear Concerned Parent,
Is 12 too young to be having sex? Well, actually, CP, young people of today are much different than we were when we were finishing up elementary school. With the invention of the legal abortion, the latex condoms (versus the sheepskin of our youth), and teen pregnancy, kids are having sex earlier and earlier. Not only because the protection is better, but also because the risks are higher!
Secondly, was it wrong to punish her? Probably not. You don't let little honeys like that waste their nymphet years on mere boys. But we don't feel that we have enough information to properly address your question-- we're not sure she has a supportive father. Please send a photograph of your daughter, a phone number at which she can be reached, and a list of places where she hangs out, so we can reasonably ascertain who her daddy is. If neccessary, we promise you that we'll be her father figure.
Sincerely,
Kate the Feditor

Dear Fed,
I have a question, did United States ever in the history suspend the right to freedom of speech?
--Cccc

Yes.
--Ethan Heitner, Publisher

Re: 15.9 Lesbians
Hi, I'm looking for love in all the wrong places. I'm from Pontiac, Michigan where the only ladies are for the men enjoyments. If at all could you be any help to our locate me to someone who could be help'I'm hanging on my last rope with looking for the love of my life a women.

Dear Ms. BothPeople,
That's rough, but I'm sure you can find someone if you look hard enough. I can see that you've already turned to the internet for help. Good move! The internet loves you and wants to help. But you have to be direct about it. Go to google.com and ask for Pontiac Michigan lesbians. When you do so, you will come across such wonderful and helpful websites as these:
http://applelesbians.com/lesbian-personals/michigan-lesbian-personals/pontiac/
http://www.pcbg.com/BarsandNightclubsMichigan.html
good luck!
--Katie, a head submissions editor

Re: 19.2 Security Guards
Dear Ethan,
Everthing Greg Higgs told you is true. And I am a white Caucasian. Columbia Security is hopelessness for we who work, daily, to keep a secure and safe environment. --Brian