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In This Issue

• Idiotarod: Mushing Fun in NYC
• Desensitization: It Does a Body Good
• Shit Blowing Up is So Patriotic
• Letters to the Feditrix: Hot Pre-Teen Sex!
• Point: There's No State Like a Prostrate, Girls
• CounterPoint: Assloads of Bad Stuff
• I Could be the Spectator's Sex Columnist
• Hardcore CosmoGirls Have Some Things to Learn
• Point: Shocking Apathy for Homeless
• CounterPoint: Solution for Homeless is Lock and Load
• Burbery Scarves, Labia Elephantitis Linked
• Elimidate Plays Cupid, Stupid
• Anti-Life Comics: The Great Cookie War
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• Cowboy Bush
• Uncle PennyBags Gets His Due

Dear Spectator,

I recently learned from the fliers that you posted in Lerner, Hamilton, and elsewhere that you are looking for a sex columnist. I am interested in this position. I am highly qualified; I have been in a number of sexual positions in the past, some of which were very difficult to get into, and some of which I held for quite a long time, if I do say so myself. Sex is my passion; it's been just about all I've thought about for a solid half decade now--my friends even call me obsessed! Additionally, I promise never ever to bore your readers by mentioning Iraq, the budget deficit, globalization, or any other potentially dull and non-salacious world political dilemmas in my column. (I understand you have had a problem with that kind of thing in the past.)

Below, please find several samples of my writing. I have tried to include examples in both the "Q & A" and "meandering self-indulgent musing" styles. Of course, I know the latter is particularly in tune with your publication's proud journalistic history.

"Today I've been thinking about sex all day long. That girl in CC is just so gorgeous. So instead of thinking about Hume (rather dry) I thought about jacking off in her lovely flaxen hair. Who hasn't been there? Later, in Asian Civ (major cultures can't be beat for a sexual multi-culturalist like myself), I fantasized about kidnapping the TAs and creating my very own harem of Korean comfort women. I've got an Asian weakness that makes Pearl Harbor sound like just another euphemism for an oyster's asshole. On a more serious note, have you heard the one about John Kerry and the one-legged Vietnamese hooker?"

"Q: First off, I love your column! Just love it! Finally, a source of real, straight-off-the-streets info about sex for Columbia students. Actually, I'm your CC professor, but what difference does it make? Finally we can talk together about something that actually matters! So, umm, could you tell me more about the ‘donkey punch,' the ‘filly fake-out,' the ‘zombie mask,' the ‘frumpie,' and all those other crazy new sex moves I overhear students discussing before class?

A: Heh heh. Sure, old man. First, though, we need a disclaimer that these moves are all dirty, mean tricks that give the male pleasure only at the painful and humiliating expense of his female partner. But, hey, for some of us that's what sex is all about. I'm not about to take a controversial moral stand and alienate sensitive readers; I could lose my column for that. Besides, even if you oppose abusing real women, you could always try it out on a hooker just for kicks.
Bad news, though: after considering it more carefully, I'm going to have to refer you to the Internet to fill out your vocabulary list. It turns out Spectator is adamantly opposed to printing the words ‘cum,' ‘doggy-style,' ‘anal,' and ‘tit-fuck,' all of which we'd need to use in any truly rigorous set of definitions.
Speaking of which, would you believe they also refused to print a picture of my ass in Roving Reporter, even if I drew a face on it and made it talk?"

"I've had another busy week of thinking a lot about sex. Sex sex sex! Don't you love even the word?! Big lanky x jabbing his strong double phallus towards e's smooth silky hole while sly curvaceous s looks on with delight! Unfortunately, I didn't have any actual sex this week. What started out two years ago as a perfectly normal boom-and-bust dry spell is becoming a rather disturbing trend. Maybe this column will help me transform myself from an ungainly and perhaps even lecherous loser into an international sex symbol, like Keith Richards or JonBenet Ramsey. Last night, however, it was just me, a half-used bottle of girls' shampoo, and the box set of Sailor Moon videos I rented from Kim's.
While we're on the subject, last week's contest is still on: guess my favorite hentai movie and win a free Spectator butt plug!"

"Q: I've been experiencing a painful burning sensation while urinating. Also, sometimes I pee blood, which hurts like hell. Could I have contracted something? The people who I've hooked up with lately all looked relatively clean, and most of the time we only got to hand jobs anyway. What should I do?

A: Four words: Listerine and an eyedropper! It's a quick, shame-free, do-it-yourself cure for any sexually transmitted disease or urinary tract infection. Simply fill the dropper about half way up with Listerine (I prefer the Cool Mint flavor; it tingles more than it burns), position the dropper at the opening of your urethra, and bombs away! If it didn't work just as well as the prescription stuff, why would 9 out of 10 dentists use it in their own homes?"