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In This Issue
- Editorial Staff, Cartoonist Apologize for Comic
- Spec Buggers Queer Coverage
- Contraceptive Addiction: The Next Big Thing
- Letters to the Feditrix
- BOSS Leader on Racism
- Fed Editor on Racism
- Howard Dean Broke my Heart
- More on Columbia Security Department
- Lasers Make Atlanta Almost Cool
- Barnard Student Government Shows Resolution
- Jesus: Zombie Demigod Beloved By All
- Fundamentally Funny Bible Games
- Fed Fun Guide to Columbia Campus
Contraceptive Addiction: The Next Big Thing
Birth Control: Just a Fancy Term for Senseless Murder
Kate Sullivan
I’m a fan of contraception. Over the past 5 months, I have tried as many forms of contraception as there are stars in the sky! I know what you’re thinking. "Contraception? 1) Fuck, Kate, what’s wrong with abortion? You know they use the former fetus for important medical research! You’re denying the fight against AIDS! 2) This means you’re sexually active before marriage. That’s it, this is an intervention, you slut. 3) Baby killer!
Yes, contraception. I don’t have sex that often, unfortunately. I like it a lot, almost as much as I dislike invasive surgery like abortion. Because of that, I’ve tried 2 sorts of the birth control pill, condoms, the birth control patch, and the NuvaRing. Though unfortunately nothing archaic like the rhythm method, abstinence or ball boiling.
The various pills are cool, especially the one with the varying hormones (versus the same level all month long) cause it keeps my raging acne under control, my breasts pert and genteel, my period down to a trickle, and my PMS minimal. Great! The problem is, every day at the exact same hour I have to remember to take the damn thing. I’m a space case. I miss appointments with Deans and professors, I can hardly remember to take a pill a day, let alone at the same time every day. So I went off the pill 'cause I kept fucking it up.
The Ortho Evra patch had similar benefits, besides plain ol' baby killin'. The patch is a small square of fabric that adheres to your butt, hip, or shoulder. The adhesive slowly releases hormones into your skin, pores, blood stream over the course of a week. After a week, you rip it off (quickly now, get the pain over with all at once!) and put a new one near but not on the same spot on your wrinkly, sunstarvedly white skin. Have you ever worn a Band Ad for too long? The adhesive seeps out the edges, and attracts lint. Nothing cuter than when you’re getting it on, and a guy touches your butt not to find smooth pale butt skin but a rough, sticky, patch of dirt and fuzzy lint. Sexy! Really. Can’t tell you how hot guys find that "oh my god you’ve got bubblegum stuck to your ass" feeling.
My last option was the NuvaRing. It’s a little rubber ring, about two inches in diameter that you insert vaginally and leave in for three weeks at a time. I found out everything about the NuvaRing on www.nuvaring.com . On the site, you can "interact with NuvaRing" where an online demonstration allows you to run the mouse over the ring to see how flexible it is. Try it! It’s flexy!
The website says that "vaginal administration allows NuvaRing to be more effective with less hormone levels." I imagined your uterus having it own administrators, delegating the work and giving out pay checks. "Jesus Christ!" I thought. "Keep the administration out of my holes!" Oh, wait, too late. (see fed logo)
I can find out the answers to important questions on the site, too. For instance, "Will the NuvaRing get lost inside of me?" Many women, and for that matter, men, are under the impression that vaginas are bottomless chasms. They are correct. Listen to these people and do not misplace anything inside of your vagina. "Will NuvaRing fall out?" In addition to being bottomless chasms, vaginas are gaping. Luckily, a vagina will fiercely protect whatever you stick into it, as most committed men will attest. Vaginas are competitive and possessive, and hard to beat at a game of tug-o-war. So "the muscles in your vagina will keep the NuvaRing securely in place". Also, the vaginal teeth usually ensure nothing falls out.
But it isn't perfect. One problem I’ve found with the NuvaRing, as much as I love its convenience, is that it is "heat activated." So you have to keep it in the fridge until you need it. There’s nothing like saying to one of your roommates, "Hey, don’t eat that, its my birth control."
The streaming online testimonials say that you can’t feel the NuvaRing when its in, and most likely neither can your man. Or at least his manhood can’t. The problem is when their fingers take to wandering around the gaping chasm that is your vagina, because it is then that they will usually find the NuvaRing trapped in the grasp of your PC muscles. The response is usually to freeze and ask hesitantly "uh, what… is that?" I know boys like pirates, and hells, I like them a lot myself. However, when trying to explain an anomaly in your vagina before getting it on, never ever fake a pirate voice and try to explain it as "buried booty." A man’s instinct is, strangely enough, to run. Lucky me, to have those vaginal teeth.
• The author would like to thank Dr. Polly Wheat for being the so lovely and helpful to her when she was searching for just the right contraceptive.
Yes, contraception. I don’t have sex that often, unfortunately. I like it a lot, almost as much as I dislike invasive surgery like abortion. Because of that, I’ve tried 2 sorts of the birth control pill, condoms, the birth control patch, and the NuvaRing. Though unfortunately nothing archaic like the rhythm method, abstinence or ball boiling.
The various pills are cool, especially the one with the varying hormones (versus the same level all month long) cause it keeps my raging acne under control, my breasts pert and genteel, my period down to a trickle, and my PMS minimal. Great! The problem is, every day at the exact same hour I have to remember to take the damn thing. I’m a space case. I miss appointments with Deans and professors, I can hardly remember to take a pill a day, let alone at the same time every day. So I went off the pill 'cause I kept fucking it up.
The Ortho Evra patch had similar benefits, besides plain ol' baby killin'. The patch is a small square of fabric that adheres to your butt, hip, or shoulder. The adhesive slowly releases hormones into your skin, pores, blood stream over the course of a week. After a week, you rip it off (quickly now, get the pain over with all at once!) and put a new one near but not on the same spot on your wrinkly, sunstarvedly white skin. Have you ever worn a Band Ad for too long? The adhesive seeps out the edges, and attracts lint. Nothing cuter than when you’re getting it on, and a guy touches your butt not to find smooth pale butt skin but a rough, sticky, patch of dirt and fuzzy lint. Sexy! Really. Can’t tell you how hot guys find that "oh my god you’ve got bubblegum stuck to your ass" feeling.
My last option was the NuvaRing. It’s a little rubber ring, about two inches in diameter that you insert vaginally and leave in for three weeks at a time. I found out everything about the NuvaRing on www.nuvaring.com . On the site, you can "interact with NuvaRing" where an online demonstration allows you to run the mouse over the ring to see how flexible it is. Try it! It’s flexy!
The website says that "vaginal administration allows NuvaRing to be more effective with less hormone levels." I imagined your uterus having it own administrators, delegating the work and giving out pay checks. "Jesus Christ!" I thought. "Keep the administration out of my holes!" Oh, wait, too late. (see fed logo)
I can find out the answers to important questions on the site, too. For instance, "Will the NuvaRing get lost inside of me?" Many women, and for that matter, men, are under the impression that vaginas are bottomless chasms. They are correct. Listen to these people and do not misplace anything inside of your vagina. "Will NuvaRing fall out?" In addition to being bottomless chasms, vaginas are gaping. Luckily, a vagina will fiercely protect whatever you stick into it, as most committed men will attest. Vaginas are competitive and possessive, and hard to beat at a game of tug-o-war. So "the muscles in your vagina will keep the NuvaRing securely in place". Also, the vaginal teeth usually ensure nothing falls out.
But it isn't perfect. One problem I’ve found with the NuvaRing, as much as I love its convenience, is that it is "heat activated." So you have to keep it in the fridge until you need it. There’s nothing like saying to one of your roommates, "Hey, don’t eat that, its my birth control."
The streaming online testimonials say that you can’t feel the NuvaRing when its in, and most likely neither can your man. Or at least his manhood can’t. The problem is when their fingers take to wandering around the gaping chasm that is your vagina, because it is then that they will usually find the NuvaRing trapped in the grasp of your PC muscles. The response is usually to freeze and ask hesitantly "uh, what… is that?" I know boys like pirates, and hells, I like them a lot myself. However, when trying to explain an anomaly in your vagina before getting it on, never ever fake a pirate voice and try to explain it as "buried booty." A man’s instinct is, strangely enough, to run. Lucky me, to have those vaginal teeth.
• The author would like to thank Dr. Polly Wheat for being the so lovely and helpful to her when she was searching for just the right contraceptive.