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In This Issue
- Editorial Staff, Cartoonist Apologize for Comic
- Spec Buggers Queer Coverage
- Contraceptive Addiction: The Next Big Thing
- Letters to the Feditrix
- BOSS Leader on Racism
- Fed Editor on Racism
- Howard Dean Broke my Heart
- More on Columbia Security Department
- Lasers Make Atlanta Almost Cool
- Barnard Student Government Shows Resolution
- Jesus: Zombie Demigod Beloved By All
- Fundamentally Funny Bible Games
- Fed Fun Guide to Columbia Campus
Jesus: Zombie Demigod Beloved By All
Christ Returns From Grave, Eats Pilate's Brains in Mel Gibson Movie
Mahnaz Dar
Despite being an on again off again Buddhist (mainly for the chicks), I've still always had a soft spot for Christians. I've enjoyed hanging out at mass, uttering sentences like, "Pass the bread and wine...I'm sorry, blood and body." And from previous experience, I can tell you nothing that will jump start a flagging religious debate like the sentence, "So...if Jesus is God and the Holy Spirit all in one...does that mean he was screwing his own mom?" I've always loved Jesus-even if it was less in a spiritual-guilt-inducing-he-died-for-my-sins way, and more in the "I love you like the Hostess snack that's always been there for me but never gives me love handles" way. If Good Humor really had Jesus in a low-fat, sugar free, artificially flavored, edible form, I'd be pretty happy to sit at home and suck on my sack of gummi Jesus.
So, The Passion of the Christ has made me re-evaluate my superficial thoughts on the guy. In the two hours I spent with my eyes glued to the screen, I learned so much. Like, you can't buy a ticket to "Barbershop 2" and sneak into The Passion, all the while hysterically gloating over how you've put one over on the ManTM, because over your dead atheist body is that damned Mary-worshipper going to get your ten bucks. (Yes, they've got bouncers checking your ticket stubs outside the theater doors. Yes, I'm scared of Mel Gibson, too.)
Now, on to the issue of anti-Semitism. No, I don't think anyone involved in the making of the film is a bigot. (Except the cinematographer. I have it on good authority he drinks the blood of Swedish infants, all the while cackling about ingesting their Nordic goodness.) There's nothing in there that's made me hate the Jews any more than going to a New York City Ivy League school hasn't already done. But if there's anything I have learned, it's that facial hair is the tool of the devil. Beards make you look evil, man. The Jews weren't any worse than the Roman legions...not in the mind of this viewer. Both are responsible for kicking our Lord and Savior's ass, but somehow the Jews come off badly. My theory is, when you're clean-shaven, you look evil, but in that oh-so-sexy way. When you've got that smooth as a baby's ass look going on, you could maim puppies and still impress the ladies. And not just any puppies. I'm talking even scruffy, three-legged, teary-eyed anime puppies.
There were also quite a few obvious scenes that I think Mel could have added. For example, Joseph (or as I like to call him, Jesus's earth-daddy) didn't get any on-screen time. I'd really have appreciated a tense father-son moment. Perhaps a flashback from the Messiah's past. An argument that culminates in a pre-teen Jesus screaming: "You can't tell me what to do! You're not my real father!" And then an obligatory: "I wanna go live with my real dad!" followed by a wide shot of a dark, thundering sky: foreshadowing. Now that's real writing.
I do have to say I'm greatly awaiting the sequel. For those of us not in the know, Jesus returns, in a surreal, rather perplexing, David Lynch-esque final scene. I can see it now: "Passion of the Christ Two: Resurrection." Personally, the only satisfying explanation I can think of as to just why James Caviezel appears in the last scene after clearly dying minutes before involves the undead. Zombie Jesus returns to feast upon the brains of those who wronged him in life. Take that, Pontius Pilate. Wash your hands and seal my fate now. Jesus wept, indeed.
My final impressions: Jesus gave it his all, but this jaded viewer needs just a little more to be truly impressed. Like a starring actor with films slightly more sophisticated than "Angel Eyes" and "Pay It Forward" on his resume. Or an animatronic sidekick.
So, The Passion of the Christ has made me re-evaluate my superficial thoughts on the guy. In the two hours I spent with my eyes glued to the screen, I learned so much. Like, you can't buy a ticket to "Barbershop 2" and sneak into The Passion, all the while hysterically gloating over how you've put one over on the ManTM, because over your dead atheist body is that damned Mary-worshipper going to get your ten bucks. (Yes, they've got bouncers checking your ticket stubs outside the theater doors. Yes, I'm scared of Mel Gibson, too.)
Now, on to the issue of anti-Semitism. No, I don't think anyone involved in the making of the film is a bigot. (Except the cinematographer. I have it on good authority he drinks the blood of Swedish infants, all the while cackling about ingesting their Nordic goodness.) There's nothing in there that's made me hate the Jews any more than going to a New York City Ivy League school hasn't already done. But if there's anything I have learned, it's that facial hair is the tool of the devil. Beards make you look evil, man. The Jews weren't any worse than the Roman legions...not in the mind of this viewer. Both are responsible for kicking our Lord and Savior's ass, but somehow the Jews come off badly. My theory is, when you're clean-shaven, you look evil, but in that oh-so-sexy way. When you've got that smooth as a baby's ass look going on, you could maim puppies and still impress the ladies. And not just any puppies. I'm talking even scruffy, three-legged, teary-eyed anime puppies.
There were also quite a few obvious scenes that I think Mel could have added. For example, Joseph (or as I like to call him, Jesus's earth-daddy) didn't get any on-screen time. I'd really have appreciated a tense father-son moment. Perhaps a flashback from the Messiah's past. An argument that culminates in a pre-teen Jesus screaming: "You can't tell me what to do! You're not my real father!" And then an obligatory: "I wanna go live with my real dad!" followed by a wide shot of a dark, thundering sky: foreshadowing. Now that's real writing.
I do have to say I'm greatly awaiting the sequel. For those of us not in the know, Jesus returns, in a surreal, rather perplexing, David Lynch-esque final scene. I can see it now: "Passion of the Christ Two: Resurrection." Personally, the only satisfying explanation I can think of as to just why James Caviezel appears in the last scene after clearly dying minutes before involves the undead. Zombie Jesus returns to feast upon the brains of those who wronged him in life. Take that, Pontius Pilate. Wash your hands and seal my fate now. Jesus wept, indeed.
My final impressions: Jesus gave it his all, but this jaded viewer needs just a little more to be truly impressed. Like a starring actor with films slightly more sophisticated than "Angel Eyes" and "Pay It Forward" on his resume. Or an animatronic sidekick.