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In This Issue
- Editorial Staff, Cartoonist Apologize for Comic
- Spec Buggers Queer Coverage
- Contraceptive Addiction: The Next Big Thing
- Letters to the Feditrix
- BOSS Leader on Racism
- Fed Editor on Racism
- Howard Dean Broke my Heart
- More on Columbia Security Department
- Lasers Make Atlanta Almost Cool
- Barnard Student Government Shows Resolution
- Jesus: Zombie Demigod Beloved By All
- Fundamentally Funny Bible Games
- Fed Fun Guide to Columbia Campus
Fed Fun Guide to Columbia Campus
Mr. Farrell's Lovely Neigborhood
Andrew Leo Farrell
Manhattan is a tourist Mecca, attracting people to its famous sites like the Empire State Building, Lincoln Center and Brooklyn. However, few students realize how much there is to see right here at Columbia. For you, I have thoughtfully compiled what I will call a tour guide but in fact consists of the things I walked by going to Pinnacle before writing this article.
We begin at my dorm East Campus whose facade has all the charm of a morgue. The inside feels quite different though, offering many amenities you would not find in a morgue. For example, my room came with a window. From it, I can admire East Harlem, the length of Central park, and the most vigilant car alarm in the history of the Upper West Side. I would assume the alarm would sound during attempted break-ins but its preemptive policy of 100-decibel shrieking at the slightest threat, such as me trying to sleep, has proved a powerful deterrent to theft.
East Campus also has vending machines. These always guarantee a good time. Bring plenty of change and expect to play a while before you actually get anything back. It's just like slots! Keep pumping those quarters in! It doesn't hurt to give a friendly nudge to the machine with a large heavy object every once in a while. Eventually your work, wasted change, and bruised fists will be rewarded with a Diet Lemon Snapple, regardless the actual drink or snack you chose.
Outside of East Campus, check out the law school where you can enjoy plenty of modern sculpture. The plaza there holds Lipschitz's Gellerophon Taming Pegasus, a sculpture of Gellerphon taming a Pegasus, and David Bakalar's appropriately titled sculpture, Life Force, of a tire on a pole. You can return to Columbia and throw footballs through it when you have erectile dysfunction. Exhibited in the other corner is Henry Moore's Three-Way Piece: Points, which is often mistaken for a tooth but is actually modeled after post-modern garbage. Also noteworthy in front of Philosophy Hall, is Rodin's Thinker in the classic pose of a man pondering the most fundamental questions of existence as he uses the bathroom.
Reaching Low Plaza you cannot help but notice Low Library. Library is actually a misleading name. Built in 1897 as part of the set for Ghostbusters, Low could not handle the weight of Columbia's massive book collection. All 22 million volumes were sold to a used bookstore for 10 bucks in change, which was promptly lost to the East Campus vending machines.
Crossing Low Plaza brings you to Lerner Hall. Although not as architecturally pleasing as its predecessor, post-apocalypse-bomb-shelter-inspired Lion's Court, it is the inside of Lerner that matters. It is a center for countless student services and activities and a marvel of efficiency. Take the Columbia Mail services. Despite 7,000 undergraduate mailboxes, mail services run with the crack efficiency of the elite East Campus vending machine team. Just last week they decided to "mix it up" by replacing any mail actually addressed to me in my box with a Diet Lemon Snapple.
Across from Lerner is Journalism Hall, home of the Graduate School of Journalism, which each year bestows the Pulitzer Prize to the best senior linebacker in D1 college football. But seriously, the Pulitzer is awarded each year to a number of fields in journalism, like editorial cartooning. The cartoon winner is chosen on the basis of originality, editorial effectiveness and pictorial effect. If that means tastelessness coupled with a lack of comedic value, I think the Pulitzer might be staying home this year. Way to go Fed!
After crossing Broadway, we reach Pinnacle, a cornerstone of any Columbia visit. It will probably take your eyes a few minutes to adjust to the Cold War Russian sub lighting scheme. But the subterranean Morlock-mole people friendly atmosphere doesn't mean the food is not for you. You can expect a quality slice of pizza saturated with grease to the point of implosion. Don't worry about the taste though; you can always wash it down with your Diet Lemon Snapple.
We begin at my dorm East Campus whose facade has all the charm of a morgue. The inside feels quite different though, offering many amenities you would not find in a morgue. For example, my room came with a window. From it, I can admire East Harlem, the length of Central park, and the most vigilant car alarm in the history of the Upper West Side. I would assume the alarm would sound during attempted break-ins but its preemptive policy of 100-decibel shrieking at the slightest threat, such as me trying to sleep, has proved a powerful deterrent to theft.
East Campus also has vending machines. These always guarantee a good time. Bring plenty of change and expect to play a while before you actually get anything back. It's just like slots! Keep pumping those quarters in! It doesn't hurt to give a friendly nudge to the machine with a large heavy object every once in a while. Eventually your work, wasted change, and bruised fists will be rewarded with a Diet Lemon Snapple, regardless the actual drink or snack you chose.
Outside of East Campus, check out the law school where you can enjoy plenty of modern sculpture. The plaza there holds Lipschitz's Gellerophon Taming Pegasus, a sculpture of Gellerphon taming a Pegasus, and David Bakalar's appropriately titled sculpture, Life Force, of a tire on a pole. You can return to Columbia and throw footballs through it when you have erectile dysfunction. Exhibited in the other corner is Henry Moore's Three-Way Piece: Points, which is often mistaken for a tooth but is actually modeled after post-modern garbage. Also noteworthy in front of Philosophy Hall, is Rodin's Thinker in the classic pose of a man pondering the most fundamental questions of existence as he uses the bathroom.
Reaching Low Plaza you cannot help but notice Low Library. Library is actually a misleading name. Built in 1897 as part of the set for Ghostbusters, Low could not handle the weight of Columbia's massive book collection. All 22 million volumes were sold to a used bookstore for 10 bucks in change, which was promptly lost to the East Campus vending machines.
Crossing Low Plaza brings you to Lerner Hall. Although not as architecturally pleasing as its predecessor, post-apocalypse-bomb-shelter-inspired Lion's Court, it is the inside of Lerner that matters. It is a center for countless student services and activities and a marvel of efficiency. Take the Columbia Mail services. Despite 7,000 undergraduate mailboxes, mail services run with the crack efficiency of the elite East Campus vending machine team. Just last week they decided to "mix it up" by replacing any mail actually addressed to me in my box with a Diet Lemon Snapple.
Across from Lerner is Journalism Hall, home of the Graduate School of Journalism, which each year bestows the Pulitzer Prize to the best senior linebacker in D1 college football. But seriously, the Pulitzer is awarded each year to a number of fields in journalism, like editorial cartooning. The cartoon winner is chosen on the basis of originality, editorial effectiveness and pictorial effect. If that means tastelessness coupled with a lack of comedic value, I think the Pulitzer might be staying home this year. Way to go Fed!
After crossing Broadway, we reach Pinnacle, a cornerstone of any Columbia visit. It will probably take your eyes a few minutes to adjust to the Cold War Russian sub lighting scheme. But the subterranean Morlock-mole people friendly atmosphere doesn't mean the food is not for you. You can expect a quality slice of pizza saturated with grease to the point of implosion. Don't worry about the taste though; you can always wash it down with your Diet Lemon Snapple.