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In This Issue

• Inside Look at Madrid Train Bombing
• On Keenspace, Funnies Go Super-Mega Sweet
• Stop Aborting Our Lord and Savior!
• The Passion 2: The Resurrection
• A Trip to the Britney Spears Museum
• Mail Order Brides Reviewed
• Letters to the Feditor
• Boccaccio's Decameron Gets Zombie-fied
• Campus Tradition of Blood Wrestling Continues
• Fed Fun Book of Zombie Lore!
• Wacky Fun Skeletons
• Crane Droppings on Sharon
• Marauding Interviewer: Back to the Seventh Grade
• Meta-Marauding Interviewer: Does Kate Eat Babies?
• They Watch

Matt Holden

Judging by the selection of holiday decorations available at the neighborhood Duane Reade, it looks like Easter’s coming. This year, church folk can once again look forward to honoring the anniversary of Christ’s resurrection by returning to the vices they gave up for Lent.

Easter is a special time in which we celebrate Christ’s kickass zombie powers and remember His threats of coming back to capture our souls. For the religious and religion-curious, a question arises: When the hell is Jesus going to make his comeback? Why should I bother to “look busy,” as the bumper stickers so insistently demand? It’s been a good 2000 years—is God holding out on us?

Perhaps not. A new, radical theory suggests this: Jesus’ resurrection is in the works, however, he is currently unable to manifest himself in human form. What is causing this delay, you ask? What could possibly overpower Christ? Why, it is none other than the accursed woman’s right to choose.

In this day and age, none but the passionately religious and/or incredibly gullible would believe that a virgin got knocked up by God. Our automatic response to anyone giving this claim would be “you’s a slut, silly ho.” Condemned by society’s expectations, such ill-fated women would have no choice but to head to the friendly neighborhood abortion clinic to rid themselves of the object of their shame. Once again, God’s will foiled by baby murderers!

To the Holy One’s great frustration, there is a great shortage of teenage girls in today’s world willing to commit to carrying the Christ child. For today’s aspiring young women, the advantages of having a child destined to be humanity’s savior aren’t enough to outweigh the hardships. Leading a life of poverty and emotional suffering in the name of God just isn’t what it used to be. Plus, that whole “Virgin 4 lyfe” bit isn’t all too attractive either. Not to mention the responsibilities of single-handedly mothering a kid with special needs, who’d most likely get teased at school and end up amounting to no more than a hippie panhandler. Meanwhile, all this without even a word from that divine deadbeat dad.

What with the responsibilities of getting good grades and trying to get a date for the eighth grade formal, today’s 14 year old girls are simply too busy to care for an infant, even if it is His baby. It seems that God should emulate the government’s marriage incentives by offering something along the lines of teenage pregnancy vouchers. Perhaps some complimentary “get out of hell, free” cards would be enticing. Or offering to put a plague on that bitchy girl in P.E.

Virgin motherhood is going to have to undergo complete overhaul if God wants to accomplish anything. God’s going to have to come up with something better than knocking up adolescent girls without any notice and then sending an angel to deliver the bad news. Not to playa hate, but it seems to me like God should work on his game. Maybe some wining and dining before whipping out the Holy Spirit. Perhaps put on some easy listening hymns, light some candles, get her in the mood. Buy her flowers, listen to her needs, cuddle even! You gotta play it smooth, G-dog.

Nine months later, you have to stick around for your woman. No running off with Saint Joe and the boyz to the pool hall! It’s all about the shared responsibilities of parenthood. It’s your baby too!