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In This Issue

• Inside Look at Madrid Train Bombing
• On Keenspace, Funnies Go Super-Mega Sweet
• Stop Aborting Our Lord and Savior!
• The Passion 2: The Resurrection
• A Trip to the Britney Spears Museum
• Mail Order Brides Reviewed
• Letters to the Feditor
• Boccaccio's Decameron Gets Zombie-fied
• Campus Tradition of Blood Wrestling Continues
• Fed Fun Book of Zombie Lore!
• Wacky Fun Skeletons
• Crane Droppings on Sharon
• Marauding Interviewer: Back to the Seventh Grade
• Meta-Marauding Interviewer: Does Kate Eat Babies?
• They Watch

America was built by courageous, god-fearing men who valiantly threw off the shackles of their Indian oppressors to create a nation built on equality and freedom. It was a beautiful time. But now America sucks. Unemployment and divorce rates are high. Controversial wars are being waged. The dollar is the lowest it's been in years. You Got Served was number one at the box office.

How did this happen? The answer is clear: Certain greedy, lying, loud-mouthed, ignorant citizens have somehow taken over our great country and effectively run it into the ground. Yes, I'm talking about our nation's women. Think about it. The economy is low because ladies are at work, not shopping. The American family is dysfunctional because these fucking whores are too lazy to make daddy's dinner, and then daddy gets mad and leaves, and then little Joey turns to crack to heal his pain, and you can imagine the rest.

Women are too busy chasing after careers and wearing pants, thus forgetting to play the role God Himself intended for them. One would think there would be a way to redeem our women. If we can teach homosexuals to be un-gay, we can teach women to be un-bitch. But this has proven to be untrue. There is a solution, however. Esteemed writer Gary Clark has written an eye-opening manifesto designed to raise our country from the depths of utter convolution and mayhem. It is called Your Bride is In the Mail, and it is the second coming of Christ. Clark's words are poignant: "In the American inner-city, black men often refer to women (even their girlfriends) as ‘bitches.' I once wondered why. I don't anymore." Amen, brother.

American women think they're too good to clean your floors, but foreign women know their place. They also know that marrying an overweight American computer dork is better than living in a disease-ridden shack with Julio the donkey. As Clark points out, these women living outside of the US are "physically attractive, charming, gentle, sweet, feminine and whose primary career goal is to become his [American computer dork's] wife." That is far more than what can be said for women here.

To actually order a mail order bride is as easy as convincing your mail order bride upon arrival that she is worth no more than the postage that got her delivered. When ordering on www.goodwife.com, the process allows the man a freedom of choice that, as an American, he deserves. In my quest for the perfect lifetime child bearer, housecleaner and peter-toucher, I was pleased to find women grouped in categories of age, height, weight, and ethnicity. Most profiles come with a picture, email address, and a special entry written by the lovely lady herself. I was quickly enchanted by the description of Elena Trishkina, a 39 year old Russian woman who "loves children and bestial." I don't know what that means but I think I like it. I also fell for Yadfa Yodlee on www.mythaibride.com, a nymphet with a winning smile who stated she was not looking for a "butterfly man." I am certainly not that. Fun-loving Daniela pointed to her sunglasses in her picture, as if to say, "this is how cool I am." She's so funny! Timid sixteen year old Krasimira of Bulgaria admitted that her zodiac sign was "virgin." That's cool, I'm a Sagittarius. The girls and I were getting along famously, and wondered why I had been wasting my time before this. I finally chose beautiful Stanka, a 30 year old woman who enjoys reading criminal stories (I like watching "Law & Order"... soulmates!). She wrote that she was looking for someone who is not fat and has varied interests. Check and check. When I look at her picture, my special parts feel all tingly. I'm in love.

I encourage everyone to go to www.planet-love.com and see these blushing brides for himself. American men need companions to help make the world a better place, not bitter competitors screeching about the dishes. It's like if you bought an adorable puppy, and then all of a sudden it started making more money than you. And that is just not right.