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In This Issue

• Inside Look at Madrid Train Bombing
• On Keenspace, Funnies Go Super-Mega Sweet
• Stop Aborting Our Lord and Savior!
• The Passion 2: The Resurrection
• A Trip to the Britney Spears Museum
• Mail Order Brides Reviewed
• Letters to the Feditor
• Boccaccio's Decameron Gets Zombie-fied
• Campus Tradition of Blood Wrestling Continues
• Fed Fun Book of Zombie Lore!
• Wacky Fun Skeletons
• Crane Droppings on Sharon
• Marauding Interviewer: Back to the Seventh Grade
• Meta-Marauding Interviewer: Does Kate Eat Babies?
• They Watch

I haven't seen "The Passion" but, goddamn, it's making so much mammon I might as well get ready for the inevitable sequel, "Passion: Reloaded." I'm pretty sure Mel Gibson won't do a prequel about Jesus' ministry, since that might entail the inclusion of namby-pamby messages like "judge not lest ye be judged," and who in their anti-Semitic mind wants to pay $10.25 for that shit, am I right? The most crucial part of the next stage in Jesus' eternal life is obviously the resurrection. I hope Mel handles this scene well. If not, no number of hastily added cute young Asian sidekicks can possibly save Our Savior from Blockbuster-bargain-bin damnation. If post-production goes awry, Jesus ascends straight to video, and a family-friendly entertainment-craving, big-haired single mom ends up hesitating between "The Passion 2" and "Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit," with DVD bonuses, find me a prayer bowl and a lotus tree, because I'll excommunicate myself from Christendom in red-faced, red-palmed shame.

For a really realistic depiction of a person rising from death to life, the film needs to consider all the preparation that goes into your typical resurrection. First off, Jesus has to remind His entourage to fill His tomb with reminders of who He is. After all, being born to new life implies forgetting the old one: all His George Michael posters, His favorite carpenter jeans, His yearbook, that picture of Him and Donna on the beach in Galilee, the kinda lame poem He wrote about that awesome rope-swing He and Chip put up over the Jordan - Jesus has to remember all that stuff when He wakes up. I smell a montage! To the soundtrack tune of Green Day's "Time of Your Life," Jesus peruses prom pics, leftover fish from the miracles, birthday gifts from Mom and "Dad," His old baseball cards, His bar mitzvah money envelopes, everything. The audience will be in tears. Maybe no one will die of a heart attack/seizure combo like that woman in Wichita, Kansas who died during the Crucifixion scene ("Enough with the laser pointer! - Gargh!"), but I don't think Mel will need as much publicity this time. Just get his dad to say some more crazy shit! Mel can still piss people off, but maybe not with the whole "anti-Semitic misrepresentation of the Gospels' hullabaloo this time. Maybe, in the next movie Jesus could have had a fanatical pro-Castro or "Blame the Irish" phase in his teenage years. Anything's possible with Jesus.

Also, since He came out of the tomb all shiny and prismatic, Gibson should put in a cleaning-off, "whole-new-You" segment in which Jesus massages his limbs back to usability, cleans out his cuticles, sasses up his hair a la "Queer Eye," and forms a vintage Harley out of the ether. Jesus has to look trans-substantially, bio-luminescently badass, better than Olivia Newton-John in the last scene of "Grease," to make the stone-rolling scene a real banger and promise us newly-saved moviegoers our own ride into the sky, on Greased Forgiveness. The cleansing scene alone (set to that Courtney Love "Oh Make Me Over" song, duh) has product placement written all over it. Hello, Right Guard X-Treme Sport money; hello, Band-Aid Brand Bandages, for when you've been subjected to rigorous ancient torture methods but need to look your best, pronto.

But no matter how good Jesus looks, Chris Tucker's fast-talking cop character needs to totally rag on Him at the Ascension for smelling like an old sandal. You know he ain' lyin'! It'll be tons of fun! Maybe the sequel will finally redeem Gibson in the eyes of the Christian Right for all the homoeroticism in the "Mad Max" movies. I'm so excited. Who knew that Jesus would ever be taken beyond Thunderdome!?