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In This Issue

• Inside Look at Madrid Train Bombing
• On Keenspace, Funnies Go Super-Mega Sweet
• Stop Aborting Our Lord and Savior!
• The Passion 2: The Resurrection
• A Trip to the Britney Spears Museum
• Mail Order Brides Reviewed
• Letters to the Feditor
• Boccaccio's Decameron Gets Zombie-fied
• Campus Tradition of Blood Wrestling Continues
• Fed Fun Book of Zombie Lore!
• Wacky Fun Skeletons
• Crane Droppings on Sharon
• Marauding Interviewer: Back to the Seventh Grade
• Meta-Marauding Interviewer: Does Kate Eat Babies?
• They Watch

Cthulu is the ancient squid god of insanity and terror. He is dead but dreaming, and upon the Apocalypse, which is nigh, he shall awake, at which point he will eat us all in descending order according to the degree to which we have appeased him in life. Ia Cthulu Cthulu Cthagn!"

The announcer's eyes gleamed like beady squid eyes. Thus Campus Crusade for Cthulhu set out on its annual drive to appease the squid god. The world first learned of Cthulhu when author/prophet H. P. Lovecraft wrote of his subterranean slumber in the 1920's. But how are we, poor mortals that we are, to appease our beloved, demonic, squid-savior?

Enter Coed Naked Blood Wrestling. Although never specifically mentioned by Lovecraft, we were sure that fighting it out naked-er, indecently clad-in a kiddie pool filled with evil Hershey's syr-I mean, blood-would please Cthulhu. Okay, it wasn't really blood, but I'm sure Cthulhu respects the fact that some of his worshippers are vegetarians. In the netherworld of tentacles and ancient fury, it's the thought that counts.

The worshippers crowded around the pool in the middle of college walk, adorned in their ritual Hot Topic vestments. The mayhem was ready to begin.

One of the first matches was between Jesus (a guy with long hair who loves everyone) and a Jew, itching to finish what her people started. As the whistle was blown, she grabbed him by the hair and slammed him face down in the blood. Take that, you miserable S.O.G.! Jesus retaliated with a sharp jab to the back of her legs, bringing her to her knees. Now Our Lord had her right where he wanted her.

"Aim for her soul!" someone shouted. And, with a glancing blow to the soul, and what looked like an ass-grab for good measure, Jesus had her down. But at the last minute he slipped, surely an instance of squidly intervention. The Jewess was victorious. Jesus is no wuss, but he's no match for Cthulu and his stinging tentacles of death.

This show of no-holds-barred aggression paved the way for the debauchery to come. In addition to some hot girl on girl action, we witnessed girl on guy, girl on guy on girl, guy on guy, and guy on guy on girl on guy on girl. There were some confusing battles, like Jesus vs. Jesus and Jamie vs. Jamie vs. Jamie (us girl Jamies won, ‘cause Cthulu liked the way our boobies looked all pressed together and bloody). Breasts of all shapes, sizes, and genders saw fit to bare themselves that night. There was even a pudgy young William Shatner look alike in bow tie and thong. Swoon!

I'm guessing this all pleased Cthulu muchly. But it was not enough to avert His wrath, oh no. He will eat us; this is certain. But we want him to eat us first, that we might be spared the misery of insanity. With this in mind, we conducted a second solemn ceremony of appeasement: the virgin sacrifice.

Although locating a real live virgin initially proved difficult, CUSFS (Columbia University Sci-Fi Society) managed to find one within their ranks. The next task was finding a suitable stand-in for Cthulu. The Great and Terrible One Himself could not make it, but we figured tying lots of squid to some poor schmuck's face was just as good. We carried our virgin down the Lerner ramps, stopping only a few times to retie the face-squid, and chanting ominously:

"Ia, Cthulu, Cthulu, Cthagn!"

We reached the sundial. The High Priest read from the Necronomicon, the "accursed book of the dead," thought to contain the most potent, dangerous, and spooky black magic known the world over, and conveniently available at Butler stacks:

"I summon thee, creature of darkness, by the works of darkness! I summon thee, creature of hatred, by the works of hatred! I summon thee, creature of the wastes, by the rites of the waste! I summon thee, creature of pain, by the words of pain! IA! IA! IA! NNGI BANNA BARRA IA! IARRAUGISHGARRAGNARAB!"

The virgin's time had come. With an unearthly howl, the High Priest raised high his collapsible stage-knife of evil and plunged it into her soft and yielding flesh. The blood poured forth, smelling suspiciously like ketchup. The virgin screamed a scream of pure ecstasy and dark purpose and then lay still. We carried her back and had beer and cookies. Evil cookies.

So what have I learned? Appease Cthulu and thou shalt be saved from terror, insanity, and other impending doominess. There is blood on my underwear, squid-stench in my hair, and a strange new mark on my ass, but I have expanded my dark spiritual power, made friends with the Nasty One, and earned the right to a card entitling me to 10% off all licensed Cthulu merchandise. Join us in our campaign of blood, nudity, and squid-worship, and you will be granted a quick and painless death when the end-times come. And remember, vote Cthulu for President in 2004...why settle for a lesser evil?!