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In This Issue
- Columbia Expands, Gentrifies Outer Space
- Spectator Artist Plagiarizes Fed's Ben Schwartz
- Farewell from Feditrix Kate
- Media Decency Campaign Attacks Stern
- EC Fire Alarms Pester, Endanger Students
- Don't Get Impregnated By Young Republicans
- Letters to the Feditor
- Sci-Fi Poo Theory
- Sports Beer: Not Good For Sports
- Butler: The Engineering Frontier
- Unarians Help You Go To Space Life
- Totally Fab New Planet Suggestions
- Bush and Cheney's Excellent Adventure
- Fed Student's Guide To Meningitis
- Columbia Girls LOVE Barnard Prez Schapiro
- Funny Comic #543: Adventures of Ice Bitch
- Able & Baker: Monkeys in Space
- Honoring Jesse Strouth- A Highly Derivative Cartoon
- They Watch
Fed Student's Guide To Meningitis
Deady Infectious Diseases = THEY!
Joshua Booth
The Fed knows that medical writing can be difficult to understand for your typical college student, and the new meningitis decision guide -- the one you already completed online while procrastinating before midterms -- is no exception. That's why, in the interest of public health we are providing you with this previously uncirculated pamphlet, A Student's Guide for Waiving Your Right to Decent Health Care.
What is meningitis?
Sounds fun, doesn't it? Meningitis attacks your brain and spinal cord, like that homemade LSD you got from the scary looking kid in Organic Chemistry. But, if he tries to give you meningitis, say no. Meningitis attacks as a virus or a bacterium, like a cold or ear infection, and goes away on its own. Well, the viral kind does. The bacterial meningitis may result in brain damage, hearing loss, or learning disability (think CBGBs).
What are the signs and symptoms of meningitis?
Meningitis has a variety of symptoms, but don't worry, it's not socially maligned. High fever, headache, and stiff neck are common. Other symptoms include discomfort looking into bright lights, confusion, and sleepiness. If you experience any of these symptoms, especially if you have been vaccinated, you may have meningitis.
Symptoms also include nausea, vomiting, rash, seizure, death.
How is meningitis diagnosed?
The diagnosis is made by growing bacteria from a sample of spinal fluid. The spinal fluid is obtained by performing a spinal tap, in which a needle is inserted into an extremely sensitive area in the lower back where fluid in the spinal canal is readily accessible. This is painful and traumatic and you will never fully recover. Also, the procedure is not covered by your medical plan.
Can meningitis be treated?
Bacterial meningitis can easily be treated with a host of powerful antibiotics, and can be prevented by vaccination. If treatment is not started very early in the course of the disease, however, you probably need not bother to contact your health professional, as you will soon be dead.
Is meningitis contagious?
Yes, some forms of bacterial meningitis are contagious (but you can't get it from a toilet seat). The bacteria are spread through the exchange of respiratory and throat secretions, and the surgeon general recommends that college students refrain from high risk activities such as kissing or passing the doobie.
Are there vaccines against meningitis?
There is a vaccine that protects against some strains of meningitis. It is occasionally used to control outbreaks in the third world and other places where they still have diseases. First-year university students' squalid lifestyles puts them at higher risk for meningitis, and they should be educated about the availability of an expensive vaccine which might have a chance of decreasing their risk of contracting it, or might instead develop over weeks into a full-blown infection. Individuals' vaccine-related immunity also wanes after three years.
Still have questions? Call our toll free number! Soon you will be able to forget all about your concerns in a frenzy of mind-numbing frustration. If you do not have a touchtone phone, you probably don't have any friends and are therefore not at risk for contagious diseases. This message is brought to you by your friends at The State Health Maintenance Organization National Incorporated.
What is meningitis?
Sounds fun, doesn't it? Meningitis attacks your brain and spinal cord, like that homemade LSD you got from the scary looking kid in Organic Chemistry. But, if he tries to give you meningitis, say no. Meningitis attacks as a virus or a bacterium, like a cold or ear infection, and goes away on its own. Well, the viral kind does. The bacterial meningitis may result in brain damage, hearing loss, or learning disability (think CBGBs).
What are the signs and symptoms of meningitis?
Meningitis has a variety of symptoms, but don't worry, it's not socially maligned. High fever, headache, and stiff neck are common. Other symptoms include discomfort looking into bright lights, confusion, and sleepiness. If you experience any of these symptoms, especially if you have been vaccinated, you may have meningitis.
Symptoms also include nausea, vomiting, rash, seizure, death.
How is meningitis diagnosed?
The diagnosis is made by growing bacteria from a sample of spinal fluid. The spinal fluid is obtained by performing a spinal tap, in which a needle is inserted into an extremely sensitive area in the lower back where fluid in the spinal canal is readily accessible. This is painful and traumatic and you will never fully recover. Also, the procedure is not covered by your medical plan.
Can meningitis be treated?
Bacterial meningitis can easily be treated with a host of powerful antibiotics, and can be prevented by vaccination. If treatment is not started very early in the course of the disease, however, you probably need not bother to contact your health professional, as you will soon be dead.
Is meningitis contagious?
Yes, some forms of bacterial meningitis are contagious (but you can't get it from a toilet seat). The bacteria are spread through the exchange of respiratory and throat secretions, and the surgeon general recommends that college students refrain from high risk activities such as kissing or passing the doobie.
Are there vaccines against meningitis?
There is a vaccine that protects against some strains of meningitis. It is occasionally used to control outbreaks in the third world and other places where they still have diseases. First-year university students' squalid lifestyles puts them at higher risk for meningitis, and they should be educated about the availability of an expensive vaccine which might have a chance of decreasing their risk of contracting it, or might instead develop over weeks into a full-blown infection. Individuals' vaccine-related immunity also wanes after three years.
Still have questions? Call our toll free number! Soon you will be able to forget all about your concerns in a frenzy of mind-numbing frustration. If you do not have a touchtone phone, you probably don't have any friends and are therefore not at risk for contagious diseases. This message is brought to you by your friends at The State Health Maintenance Organization National Incorporated.