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Never Trust the Underground
Issue 19.8: Penultimate Frontier
Posted:

Bush and Cheney's Excellent Adventure

Dirty Political Tricks Bring 60s Back

Thomas Davis

Remember when about ten percent of Americans recognized that the country was going down the crapper but still thought President Bush was like Rambo with a side of teddy bear garnished with a sprig of Jesus? I never understood it, because the country going in the wrong direction seems to only have one solution, that being picking a destination aside from East Whole-world-hates-America-ville. Then again, maybe that's why I didn't get in to Yale. It just occurred to me: see, changing direction is just way too much trouble. You'd have to decide on another direction, come up with a plan, or at the very least a list of actionable items, and no matter how good your plan is somebody's still going to bitch about that time you knifed a homeless guy.

So what is a President to do? Get drunk on cheap Mexican whiskey, turn the executive branch into one sweet national time machine. Pick a decade everybody's all nostalgic about, turn back the dial and hope the Delorian doesn't get wrecked and you wind up chasing a train on your Hoverboard to get back. Bush time-warped America back to the sixties. I think the twenties might have been a little more fun because I could finally get away with saying things like "Now you're on the trolley!" Plus prohibition was probably awesome: imagine enjoying all the fun of underage drinking long after your twenty-first birthday. But I don't judge, its just personal preference.

Bush's first order of business was the black community. Back in the sixties there was strong black leadership, as opposed to the Jesse Jacksons, Planeteers, and Burger King Kids Club members of today. And what better way to encourage the development of leadership than to kick the shit out of the community as quickly as possible. I know it looks bad right now, but wait until we've made it all the way through the time vortex before you judge him and his anal rape approach to civil rights. I'm sure that the black community will one day honor George W. Bush as much as Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, and that dude with the peanuts.

I know there must be someone out there saying, "But TC, Bush isn't ‘kicking the shit out of' the black community. What about Condoleeza Rice? She is a fine role-model for the black community." To you I say yes, she is a fine role-model. However, Mrs. Rice is not black, but is in fact a robot constructed of old Pokemon game cartridges and recycled paper.

Beyond repressing various minority groups, Bush faced the task of recreating the Vietnam War. It's hard enough to get a country involved in a war that doesn't benefit anyone even if we win and that has no viable exit strategy once, but doing it twice is nigh on impossible. It's the political equivalent of pulling a Houdini on the same girl twice. There may be a bit of an artistic challenge the first time around, but a lady tends to get pretty cautious after her first Houdini. Don't know what a Houdini is? Ask that weird dirty kid who's always staring at you and talking about how often he masturbates. He knows.

And then there's going to the moon. Again. Seriously, what the hell is going on? Does that make sense in any other context? I mean the other stuff has alternative interpretations aside from the Executive Branch time machine theory. Maybe he's just evil. I don't know. But who does going to the moon benefit? Not Satan, that's for sure. A moon mission, Vietnam without the good music, and pissed off black people ... put it all together, America: Dick Cheney's mysterious "pace-maker" is obviously a flux capacitor.