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In This Issue

• Columbia Expands, Gentrifies Outer Space
• Spectator Artist Plagiarizes Fed's Ben Schwartz
• Farewell from Feditrix Kate
• Media Decency Campaign Attacks Stern
• EC Fire Alarms Pester, Endanger Students
• Don't Get Impregnated By Young Republicans
• Letters to the Feditor
• Sci-Fi Poo Theory
• Sports Beer: Not Good For Sports
• Butler: The Engineering Frontier
• Unarians Help You Go To Space Life
• Totally Fab New Planet Suggestions
• Bush and Cheney's Excellent Adventure
• Fed Student's Guide To Meningitis
• Columbia Girls LOVE Barnard Prez Schapiro
• Funny Comic #543: Adventures of Ice Bitch
• Able & Baker: Monkeys in Space
• Honoring Jesse Strouth- A Highly Derivative Cartoon
• They Watch

Recently it occurred to me that I hadn't yet learned a single thing in the class on Buddhism that I was taking to fulfill a SEAS non-technical elective requirement this semester. This concerned me somewhat as the semester was nigh drawing to a close and I had something they referred to as a "paper" to complete looming in the not-so-distant future. I asked my fellow classmates to explain to me what I was doing wrong. "Have you been doing the reading?" one asked. Reading. After some initial difficulty in grasping the significance of the word, I realized that no, I had not been "reading." Engineers don't have to "read" and the very concept of having to "do work" to pass a class was somewhat foreign to me.

I was, however, aware that "reading" was an activity that students often partook of in Butler Library. And so, I concluded that I too should head to Butler. Naturally, I found this intimidating. Like all engineers, I find that I often need to translate information about the real world into that which I can more readily understand. So, I decided that perhaps the best way to deal with something as potentially anxiety-inducing as a trip to the library was to pretend that I was on a mission as a the captain of the Enterprise in an episode of Star Trek.

And so, I boldly left my dorm room and began narrating my adventure as I descended on the turbolift. "Butler, the final frontier. These are the voyages, of, er... me." I was so pleased with those lines that I skipped the remainder of the opening monologue and went right into humming the theme song as I extended my arms like warp nacelles and flew at several times the speed of light to planet Butler.

Upon arrival I tapped the communicator badge I had made for the occasion and began dictating, "Captain's log, stardate 143523.8945.gamma13beta57932. We have arrived in orbit of the Class M planet Butler. Initial scans of the surface indicate an atmosphere conducive to learning. It will be necessary to send an away-team for further investigation." I proceeded to argue with my imaginary first officer about the dangers of the captain leading the away team before finally working up the courage to enter the building.

I quickly discovered that much of planet Butler's civilization existed in an intricate series of tunnels and caverns beneath the surface. Strange, alien life-forms that resembled ordinary humans, except for an unexplainable swelling in the chest area, made up at least half the population of creatures I encountered. Upon discovering an unused anti-gravity support platform, or table as they are called locally, I took out my ink-based-textual-information-storage-medium device and set it out before me. "Computer!" I shouted, "Begin data acquisition authorization delta-tango-charlie!" I waited for several moments before I realized that this was not having the intended effect. "Computer!" I tried again. Still no response.

One of the nearby lifeforms crafted a photon torpedo from a piece of paper and launched it at my head. I tapped my communicator. "Enterprise! Come in! We are under attack. One to beam up!" There was no response. "Damn!" I thought, "They must have a communications dampening force-field erected about the entire planet!" I tried diplomacy, spreading my fingers into a Vulcan peace sign. "I come in peace," I cried. Other nearby aliens suddenly opened fire. I ran for the shuttle craft I had positioned at the enterance of the caverns.

Safely back aboard my ship, I once again tapped my communicator, "Captain's log, supplemental. The natives of planet Butler have proved to be a dangerous, warlike species. Perhaps one day the Federation will succeed in opening peaceful relations, but until that time comes, we must be cautious in our interactions with their kind." I set a course for my home planet of Mudd, shouted "Engage!" and hummed the theme song as the credits rolled.