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In This Issue

• Columbia Expands, Gentrifies Outer Space
• Spectator Artist Plagiarizes Fed's Ben Schwartz
• Farewell from Feditrix Kate
• Media Decency Campaign Attacks Stern
• EC Fire Alarms Pester, Endanger Students
• Don't Get Impregnated By Young Republicans
• Letters to the Feditor
• Sci-Fi Poo Theory
• Sports Beer: Not Good For Sports
• Butler: The Engineering Frontier
• Unarians Help You Go To Space Life
• Totally Fab New Planet Suggestions
• Bush and Cheney's Excellent Adventure
• Fed Student's Guide To Meningitis
• Columbia Girls LOVE Barnard Prez Schapiro
• Funny Comic #543: Adventures of Ice Bitch
• Able & Baker: Monkeys in Space
• Honoring Jesse Strouth- A Highly Derivative Cartoon
• They Watch

Edward Rueda

From the Arch-Editor's Desk:

As I sit here typing in the secret Fed Complex on the sixth floor of Lerner, I am moved to contemplate this past semester and what a strange time it's been in Fed History. I think no further elaboration is necessary. But if there was ever a doubt in your mind, I would like to make one thing clear: The Fed, much unlike the feds, will always be on the side of the student in both our pursuits of humor and our never ending battle against the man. On a lighter note, I'd like to thank the creators of the Varsity Show for the free publicity during the first half of the show and for tearing us apart during the second half. If you can't make fun of a humor paper, what can you make fun of? See you all next year as The Fed boldly goes where no newspaper has gone before!

Michael J. Ilardi,

Editor-in-Chief

Someone hates us enough to write a poem about it:

To The Editor:

I saw the shittiest writers of my generation/Starving hysterical, nakedly crass,/Combing the racist streets at dawn/Looking for a bad, bad joke./Lackadaisical hipsters desperately craving/Negative attention in the machinery of the second-rate /Porno kingdom./Who bared their breasts and brains to heaven, and offered nothing,/Who staggered on the Wien Roof intoxicated,/Drawing overused, oversexed comics,/To recreate the syntax and measure of poor prose, /"That is a whole lot of" lacking Logic and Rhetoric,/Who are "Slave[s] for... Crappy" headlines/Who passed through universities in trendy but cliché disdain./Who should be expelled from the academies for crazy & publishing /obscene odes/Without humor./Who stand before us all, dumb and unintelligent, rejected and/shaking with shame.

Allen G.

CC 07

Dear Allen G.: Thank you much for your letter,

But as plag'rism goes, we think you'd do much better

With Kipling, or Shelly, or Shakespeare, or Keats

To mock our poor grammar, dick jokes, and bare teats.

We must disagree with your Ginsberg-esque screed;

Concerning expulsion, we still see no need.

Perhaps camping at Low, where its hot and its sunny,

With signs that proclaim, "Being Silenced:Not Funny!"

And speaking of syntax, before you attack,

Try not to be "pot", calling our "kettle" black.

"Who is a Whole lot of lacking?" you pitiless fool!

We're almost ashamed we attend the same school.

So let us repeat, as we finish this fight.

Our detractors are wrong, and The Fed's always right.

Matt Holden

Graphics Editor

Dear Fed (esp. Ethan Heitner),
After reading the two articles regarding former Columbia University security officer Greg Higgs, I have to say, I disagree with most of what was written and what he has told you. For over ten years now, I've been a security officer. The department is structured with a mixture of races and faces: white upper management, down to the mostly black and Hispanic security officers. That much is true. Then you have the very unqualified captain, a man that is in his own category. He is unrefined and very unprofessional and is inconsistent with his given authority. I believe he gets that from his bosses. So when Higgs complains it's not about his "supervisors" being white and/or racist. He is complaining about the upper management staff and the way they run the department. All of us are under the armpit of just plain bad management. Mr. James Conlon is a prick and he always has been. He enjoys making his employees squirm in fear with his presence. That's why the morale is at its lowest point. We are not all bad people. We all have fallen under the wrath of the dictator James Conlon.
Yes, I do believe there is racism within this department. There are times when the white lieutenants get more prvileges than the minority lieutenants. You have white sergeants that do not move from shift to shift but stay on the same shift while everyone else gets moved around with no explanations. A white sergeant who lost a sexual harassment hearing is still employed here. Now, when a minority sergeant gets suspended they are screwed. So it's not just Higgs who has gotten fucked. It has been a lot of us.
I hope that the new administration will read this and finally realize that we need a change. A VERY BIG CHANGE in the system. I must remain anonymous. I still work here, remember.

Dear Sir,
From your full letter, which we did not have the space to print here, it sounds like you agree mostly with what Higgs and others have said at the department, yet you find Higgs to be a "crybaby" for speaking out about it. Yet without his voice, the Fed certainly would never have investigated the underlying problems, and certainly the Spectator would never have gotten off of their lazy asses to report a damn thing.
Regardless, thank you for adding your voice to those who have come forward calling for reform.
Ethan Heitner
Publisher