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In This Issue
- Columbia Expands, Gentrifies Outer Space
- Spectator Artist Plagiarizes Fed's Ben Schwartz
- Farewell from Feditrix Kate
- Media Decency Campaign Attacks Stern
- EC Fire Alarms Pester, Endanger Students
- Don't Get Impregnated By Young Republicans
- Letters to the Feditor
- Sci-Fi Poo Theory
- Sports Beer: Not Good For Sports
- Butler: The Engineering Frontier
- Unarians Help You Go To Space Life
- Totally Fab New Planet Suggestions
- Bush and Cheney's Excellent Adventure
- Fed Student's Guide To Meningitis
- Columbia Girls LOVE Barnard Prez Schapiro
- Funny Comic #543: Adventures of Ice Bitch
- Able & Baker: Monkeys in Space
- Honoring Jesse Strouth- A Highly Derivative Cartoon
- They Watch
Totally Fab New Planet Suggestions
Groovy Alt-Planets Shoot Beyond Moon
Jamie Peck
Being a member of the class of 2007, I was lucky enough to arrive at Columbia just in time to be in the first group of students asked to take the new core class, Frontiers in Science, or as I think it should be called, Frontiers in Ass. I took it but quickly realized that, as an English major, I do not care what CO2 density makes for a warmer planet a certain distance from the sun. I would much rather take "shapes and colors" or some other such "math" class to fulfill the science requirement. The only thing about Frontiers in Science that had any mild potential for coolness was the "design-a-planet" question featured on the final. Unfortunately, the class even managed to make this lame. However, this rare opportunity to design a planet, in combination with the discovery of ultra-lame quasi-planet Sedna did succeed in making me think: could I do better? I was pretty sure I could, and with this is mind, I set about making Plans-for-PlanetsTM that I believe to be truly worthy of appearing in Popular Science, if they were real and got discovered.
Planet X: Do not confuse this planet of awesomeness with the wussy imaginary chunk of rock bearing the same name. Unlike that puny planetoid, this Planet X kicks it old school, as it is inhabited entirely by X-men. For anyone who felt bad for the mutants who got dissed by the prez because he was jealous of their way cool powers and wondered, "Why can't they take over the planet? God dammit the X-men deserve a planet!" here is long-anticipated gratification. On Planet X, mutants do cool mutant stuff like fly around, read minds, and turn into smoke without the interference of stupid normal people. The environment isn't fucked up because mutants are smarter than us and because they don't need cars and can create energy out of nothing. It's too bad I can never go there ‘cause I'm not a mutant. But I've been harvesting plutonium in anticipation of the day when I might just mutate my way off this sorry-ass loser planet.
Planet Sex: This is a hot, moist planet of jungles and love and jungle-love. Its torrid heat emanates from deep within its core, which is a seventies-style lizard lounge of funkalicious fornicatin'. I know it's about as hard as E=mc^2 for the human mind to conceptualize, but get your head around it, fool: this planet is made completely out of pussy.
Planet sXe: Kind of like Australia, only it's for people who break too few laws instead of too many. These people haven't actually committed any crimes, but are just really annoying. That's right, it's the straight-edge kids. No booze and too much moshpitting makes earthlings get deported!
Planet Arr: The pirate planet. Words cannot describe how cool this planet is, so it is up to the individual to try to picture the swarthy brilliance of Arr.
Babble-on 5: Loud people get sent here.
Falsicon 1801: Made up of concentric glass spheres. Ruled by HP Lovecraft.
Penis: This planet's main centerpiece is a large phallic volcano, which erupts with great force once every hour. Who does penis think it's kidding? Icky boys get sent here.
Penis II: Once thought to have orbited around Venus, Penis II is the first planet ever found not to orbit at all; it just stands there and expects everyone else to do the revolving. Made of a softer rock than Penis, and possessed of a smaller, less powerful volcano which does not erupt for years but then takes only three minutes, Penis II has been known to lure certain astronautistas into its atmosphere with soft emo ballads and, once they are there, to suffocate them with its toxic saline rain and noxious atmosphere of clove cigarette smoke and vaporized Pabst Blue Ribbon. Do not be fooled by Penis II's deceptively sweet siren song. It's just like Penis only wimpier! But just in case you do run into Penis II, tell it to call me.
Stupider: This planet is too dumb to expound upon.
Sat-on: Flat, like the Earth.
Myanus: Smells like roses, but travel to this planet is strictly prohibited.
Goofy: Orbits next to Pluto, but gets distracted and dawdles a lot. Pluto laps Goofy about once every fifty years. This means that yes, sometimes Goofy actually moves backwards. Thick clouds of tie-dye colored pot smoke form the atmosphere. It is ruled by Timothy Leary. You can smoke pot and do acid all day long here without the pigs getting on your case. Unless you do whippets or cry too much. Then you are sent to Stupider or Penis II.
See, didn't I do better than a "real scientist" could? Sedna can bite me!
Planet X: Do not confuse this planet of awesomeness with the wussy imaginary chunk of rock bearing the same name. Unlike that puny planetoid, this Planet X kicks it old school, as it is inhabited entirely by X-men. For anyone who felt bad for the mutants who got dissed by the prez because he was jealous of their way cool powers and wondered, "Why can't they take over the planet? God dammit the X-men deserve a planet!" here is long-anticipated gratification. On Planet X, mutants do cool mutant stuff like fly around, read minds, and turn into smoke without the interference of stupid normal people. The environment isn't fucked up because mutants are smarter than us and because they don't need cars and can create energy out of nothing. It's too bad I can never go there ‘cause I'm not a mutant. But I've been harvesting plutonium in anticipation of the day when I might just mutate my way off this sorry-ass loser planet.
Planet Sex: This is a hot, moist planet of jungles and love and jungle-love. Its torrid heat emanates from deep within its core, which is a seventies-style lizard lounge of funkalicious fornicatin'. I know it's about as hard as E=mc^2 for the human mind to conceptualize, but get your head around it, fool: this planet is made completely out of pussy.
Planet sXe: Kind of like Australia, only it's for people who break too few laws instead of too many. These people haven't actually committed any crimes, but are just really annoying. That's right, it's the straight-edge kids. No booze and too much moshpitting makes earthlings get deported!
Planet Arr: The pirate planet. Words cannot describe how cool this planet is, so it is up to the individual to try to picture the swarthy brilliance of Arr.
Babble-on 5: Loud people get sent here.
Falsicon 1801: Made up of concentric glass spheres. Ruled by HP Lovecraft.
Penis: This planet's main centerpiece is a large phallic volcano, which erupts with great force once every hour. Who does penis think it's kidding? Icky boys get sent here.
Penis II: Once thought to have orbited around Venus, Penis II is the first planet ever found not to orbit at all; it just stands there and expects everyone else to do the revolving. Made of a softer rock than Penis, and possessed of a smaller, less powerful volcano which does not erupt for years but then takes only three minutes, Penis II has been known to lure certain astronautistas into its atmosphere with soft emo ballads and, once they are there, to suffocate them with its toxic saline rain and noxious atmosphere of clove cigarette smoke and vaporized Pabst Blue Ribbon. Do not be fooled by Penis II's deceptively sweet siren song. It's just like Penis only wimpier! But just in case you do run into Penis II, tell it to call me.
Stupider: This planet is too dumb to expound upon.
Sat-on: Flat, like the Earth.
Myanus: Smells like roses, but travel to this planet is strictly prohibited.
Goofy: Orbits next to Pluto, but gets distracted and dawdles a lot. Pluto laps Goofy about once every fifty years. This means that yes, sometimes Goofy actually moves backwards. Thick clouds of tie-dye colored pot smoke form the atmosphere. It is ruled by Timothy Leary. You can smoke pot and do acid all day long here without the pigs getting on your case. Unless you do whippets or cry too much. Then you are sent to Stupider or Penis II.
See, didn't I do better than a "real scientist" could? Sedna can bite me!