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In This Issue

• Columbia Expands, Gentrifies Outer Space
• Spectator Artist Plagiarizes Fed's Ben Schwartz
• Farewell from Feditrix Kate
• Media Decency Campaign Attacks Stern
• EC Fire Alarms Pester, Endanger Students
• Don't Get Impregnated By Young Republicans
• Letters to the Feditor
• Sci-Fi Poo Theory
• Sports Beer: Not Good For Sports
• Butler: The Engineering Frontier
• Unarians Help You Go To Space Life
• Totally Fab New Planet Suggestions
• Bush and Cheney's Excellent Adventure
• Fed Student's Guide To Meningitis
• Columbia Girls LOVE Barnard Prez Schapiro
• Funny Comic #543: Adventures of Ice Bitch
• Able & Baker: Monkeys in Space
• Honoring Jesse Strouth- A Highly Derivative Cartoon
• They Watch

Michelob Ultra is a low carbohydrate beer with only 2.5 grams of carbs and less than half the calories of most normal beers. Rolling Rock Green Light has only 2.6 grams of carbs and even fewer calories than Michelob Ultra. These are just two examples of a relatively new trend: low carbohydrate alcohol. Michelob Ultra is running an ad campaign that shows young men and women lifting weights, swimming, rock climbing, and doing yoga. The implication here is that low carb beer is healthy for you.

If you're like me, you might need to pause for a moment to collect the pieces of your brain that just fucking exploded out of your head when you tried to process that last statement. Beer has always promised me youth, wealth, good looks, and plenty of sex. I'm also at least marginally intelligent enough to understand that a drink can't deliver those things.

Unfortunately, there are the filthy masses of those less intelligent than me. Numbering among them are the people idiotic enough to buy into diet fads that stress the importance of eating hamburgers while avoiding potatoes like the plague. Now, I eat as many hamburgers as the next person, assuming the next person subsists almost entirely on hamburgers, and in my opinion, potatoes are nothing less than a plague of deliciousness. I don't lie to myself about how unhealthy my eating habits are, but there are people who want to continue to eat unhealthy foods and drink booze while pretending that they aren't ruining their bodies. Because of the aforementioned assholes, we have low fat foods that taste awful, diet sodas that aren't sweet, and now, low carbohydrate booze that tastes like soap.

Oh yes. I know very well what low carb beer tastes like. You see, rather than delude myself with "healthy" foods that "don't give you a heart attack", I make up for my terrible diet with strenuous exercise. So when I saw Michelob Ultra abuse images of exercise in order to profit from folks too stupid to realize that beer can never, ever be good for you, I felt I had to take action.

I decided to work from the hypothesis Michelob Ultra gave through its ads: low carb beer makes for a great workout. Obviously, having never gone swimming or rock climbing while drunk, I must have been missing out on some seriously sweet exercise. Not wanting to delay the greatest workout of my life any longer, I made plans to test this hypothesis as soon as possible. On a bright Friday morning, I roused myself at 6am and pounded down three Rolling Rock Green Lights, netting myself a good 276 Calories, 2.7 grams of protein, 0 grams of fat, and only 7.8 grams of vile, insidious carbohydrates. I also acquired the desire to puke a lot because it was the most awful tasting beer I have ever had.

A quick moment for all the people out there who keep "light" beers and "diet" sodas on the market: you people are fucks. How about all you assholes just accept that there are some pretty unhealthy things that you like to eat? Then maybe there wouldn't be as much incentive for food companies to keep assaulting my taste buds with hypocritical health conscious knockoffs of foods I used to enjoy.

Anyways, I knew that the sports beer might make me so healthy that I would no longer know my own strength or balance, so I enlisted Mike to look out for my welfare during the workout. Mike arrived when I was almost finished getting ready and, he coerced me into getting more ready by having yet another drink. We then set out for the gym, my heart racing with anticipation, my mind swimming with science, and my stomach churning with journalism.

It was the worst workout of my life. I felt like shit the entire time. In fact, I was surprised by the persistence of the shittiness and the fact that it was never mitigated by any buzz or numbing effect. I attempted to follow my usual exercise routine as closely as possible. Seeing as my rotation called for an intense upper body workout on that day, I began my exercise with the bench press, followed by arm curls, military presses, and lateral raises. I didn't have too much trouble with these exercises except for small coordination miscues and the unforgiving, glaring, fluorescent lights, each one of which was like a white-hot needle being shoved into my eye.

After lifting, it was time to do a quick ab workout. Usually I do several hundred crunches with some leg lifts and side crunches mixed in. Thanks to the power of low carb beer, I did about twenty. Rather than push myself to the point of vomiting, I conceded that my stomach was strong enough for that day and that it was time to move on.

I generally end every workout with some cardio work, either on an elliptical machine or by running. I decided to go on a short run. My legs were pretty numb at this point, and it was difficult to stay in a lane on the track. I suppose I was lucky that I didn't hit anyone else or roll off a sharp curve and fall onto the basketball court below and explode in a ball of fire that would make Jerry Bruckheimer cry.

In conclusion, low carbohydrate beer does not make you healthier and it's not fun to go to the gym drunk. The advertising wizards at Busch (they make Michelob Ultra) should reconsider the message they send when they tell me that beer is so, so good for me. I don't really consider myself cripplingly retarded, and yet I was capable of making a pretty terrible decision. For the sake of those more gullible and mentally challenged than myself, I implore you, makers of low carbohydrate beer... to please fucking die for polluting my mouth with your foul tasting swill.