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In This Issue

• Columbia Expands, Gentrifies Outer Space
• Spectator Artist Plagiarizes Fed's Ben Schwartz
• Farewell from Feditrix Kate
• Media Decency Campaign Attacks Stern
• EC Fire Alarms Pester, Endanger Students
• Don't Get Impregnated By Young Republicans
• Letters to the Feditor
• Sci-Fi Poo Theory
• Sports Beer: Not Good For Sports
• Butler: The Engineering Frontier
• Unarians Help You Go To Space Life
• Totally Fab New Planet Suggestions
• Bush and Cheney's Excellent Adventure
• Fed Student's Guide To Meningitis
• Columbia Girls LOVE Barnard Prez Schapiro
• Funny Comic #543: Adventures of Ice Bitch
• Able & Baker: Monkeys in Space
• Honoring Jesse Strouth- A Highly Derivative Cartoon
• They Watch

Have you or a loved one been in an accident recently? Do you or a loved one suffer from a chronic illness or dehabilitating disease? Do you need help coping with care for a loved one who is unable to care for him or her self? THEY Watch can't help you. All THEY Watch can do is offer you the sweet revenge of whupping the punk asses who've been keeping you down, like motherfucking Charles Bronson.

I. And nothing is more punk ass bitchy than spending two weeks refusing to sign a contract, quibbling over minor details and problems, having each problem ironed out, only at the last possible second to make demands which were clearly stated at the beginning of negotiations as being impossible. If I have taught you anything, grasshopper, it is: never spend money at the Underground Lounge. Thursday morning, the Fed Bash was cancelled because the owners of the Ungerground Lounge = THEY!

II. As if stealing our 'toons weren't enough, this week the Spectator ran a nice little cover story about a man named Greg Higgs. Sound familiar? The Fed covered the story last October, and ran an update with more information in March. And THEY Watch has it on good authority that Higgs approached the Spec with all the information they had in that article last May. A'ight children, all together now, say it with me, The Columbia Spectator = THEY!

III. I just wanted to put it out there, for anyone who has never had to deal with them, who might encounter them for the first time and mistakenly think that they actually care about you and have anything other than 'making sure students don't off themselves on Columbia's property' on their mind, CU Psych Services = THEY!