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In This Issue
- Columbia Expands, Gentrifies Outer Space
- Spectator Artist Plagiarizes Fed's Ben Schwartz
- Farewell from Feditrix Kate
- Media Decency Campaign Attacks Stern
- EC Fire Alarms Pester, Endanger Students
- Don't Get Impregnated By Young Republicans
- Letters to the Feditor
- Sci-Fi Poo Theory
- Sports Beer: Not Good For Sports
- Butler: The Engineering Frontier
- Unarians Help You Go To Space Life
- Totally Fab New Planet Suggestions
- Bush and Cheney's Excellent Adventure
- Fed Student's Guide To Meningitis
- Columbia Girls LOVE Barnard Prez Schapiro
- Funny Comic #543: Adventures of Ice Bitch
- Able & Baker: Monkeys in Space
- Honoring Jesse Strouth- A Highly Derivative Cartoon
- They Watch
Unarians Help You Go To Space Life
Aliens Love People Named Norman Too
Katie Herman
When I was twelve, my dad got invited to a space alien conference. The invitation came from the Unarius (UNiversal ARticulate Interdimensional Understanding of Science) Academy of Science, a school that teaches "the interdimensional psychodynamics of the mind," which I think means learning to remember your past life as a space alien in another dimension. Apparently there was something about my dad's chemistry research that made the Unarians think that he had achieved a superior transcendent state of consciousness, so they invited him to their annual Interplanetary Conclave of Light. According to the brochure, "Your participation signals your intent to help in the positive changes for each one of us . . . an opportunity to become a stronger link in the Golden Chain of Being."
The Interplanetary Conclave of Light looked like the coolest thing since space camp. Enlightened people from all over the world gather to hear mental communications from the Muons, our Space Brothers, and celebrate in anticipation of their landing and Earth's entrance into the Interplanetary Confederation as the 33rd member planet. There's a parade where people pretend to be the brother planets, parading across the galaxy, and at the end they release a bunch of doves from a fake space ship. I thought my dad should go, but he wanted to hold off until they held the conclave on Saturn. Sadly, this has never happened. In fact, it seems this interplanetary conclave is always held in California, and I think there's also one in Nigeria.
Lately, I've been thinking about the Unarians. The Muons were supposed to land at the Conclave in 2001, ushering in an age of light, but today it's still as dark as ever. What went wrong?
To find out, I visited the Unarius Academy web site (www.unarius.org), which is full of consciousness-elevating information. I learned that the founders of the Unarius Academy, the Archangels Raphiel and Uriel (Earth names Ernest L. and Ruth E. Norman), were not only cosmic visionaries who took mental trips to worlds of pure energy, wrote prolific amounts of poetry communicated to them from another dimension, and advanced humanity upon its path of progressive evolution by helping people get over their sucky past lives, but, according to the Unarius Academy, "we can . . . safely present an obvious fact: that Dr. Ernest L. Norman and Ruth E. Norman are interplanetary travelers." Well, obviously. A couple thousand past lives ago, the Normans arrived on Earth, bringing human life from their home planet of Lemuria. Since then, Ruth has had lives as Isis, Socrates, Mary of Bethany (alias, Magdalene), Peter the Great, Charlemagne, and Queen Elizabeth I, whose fashion sense she has maintained in her most recent earthly incarnation. (Images on the web site show her crowned, with a sparkling collar the size of a large pizza, waving a scepter or sometimes a rose.) Her dear Ernest was her husband in past lives too, as Osiris and Jesus.
I also learned that, in spite of what the Mars rovers tell us, there are humans living on Mars in underground cities. Ernest Norman took a mental trip to speak with them. Unlike the $700 million dollar Mars rovers, this telepathic exploration was totally free, and actually managed to produce some aliens. Take that NASA! Ernest learned that the Martians founded a colony on Earth long ago, from which Chinese people are descended. "The people of Mars are smaller than those on Earth," he wrote, "only averaging about four feet, six inches in height. The texture of the skin is very fine and soft, while the hair is usually straight, black, and quite fine." Ah-ha! It makes perfect sense. Of course all those commies would come from the Red Planet.
And the Unarius Academy has helped so many people. One student reports, "I wanted to make a living as a musician in a speed metal band, but my band members kept getting arrested, committing suicide, and spending the money on drugs instead of guitar strings. I was no exception to this." But thanks to Unarius, he's learned that this is because of traumatic past life experiences, like being an ugly cripple and getting knocked up by the village priest, and he's since become a successful businessman with a beautiful wife. One woman says that thanks to Unarius, she knows that in a past life her daughter was her mother and her husband was her father, and she shot her daughter (then her mother) because she was jealous of her getting it on with her husband (then her father). Now she understands why her daughter's fucked up.
The Unarius Academy offers much convincing evidence, but one thing still makes me wonder. Where are the Muons? They were going to land, the Unarius Academy explains, but upon nearing Earth they got scared and went home, frightened by the mean and hostile Earthlings. Oh man, that sucks! Come on, y'all, if you could have just made a little more effort to project some friendly vibes, we could be living in an age of light now. The Muons explained in their psychic communications that they were bombarding the Earth with "high-energy love oscillations." All you have to do is be more receptive, and aliens will come and put an end to all this war and other nastiness. So come on people, open up your minds and feel the interplanetary love.
The Interplanetary Conclave of Light looked like the coolest thing since space camp. Enlightened people from all over the world gather to hear mental communications from the Muons, our Space Brothers, and celebrate in anticipation of their landing and Earth's entrance into the Interplanetary Confederation as the 33rd member planet. There's a parade where people pretend to be the brother planets, parading across the galaxy, and at the end they release a bunch of doves from a fake space ship. I thought my dad should go, but he wanted to hold off until they held the conclave on Saturn. Sadly, this has never happened. In fact, it seems this interplanetary conclave is always held in California, and I think there's also one in Nigeria.
Lately, I've been thinking about the Unarians. The Muons were supposed to land at the Conclave in 2001, ushering in an age of light, but today it's still as dark as ever. What went wrong?
To find out, I visited the Unarius Academy web site (www.unarius.org), which is full of consciousness-elevating information. I learned that the founders of the Unarius Academy, the Archangels Raphiel and Uriel (Earth names Ernest L. and Ruth E. Norman), were not only cosmic visionaries who took mental trips to worlds of pure energy, wrote prolific amounts of poetry communicated to them from another dimension, and advanced humanity upon its path of progressive evolution by helping people get over their sucky past lives, but, according to the Unarius Academy, "we can . . . safely present an obvious fact: that Dr. Ernest L. Norman and Ruth E. Norman are interplanetary travelers." Well, obviously. A couple thousand past lives ago, the Normans arrived on Earth, bringing human life from their home planet of Lemuria. Since then, Ruth has had lives as Isis, Socrates, Mary of Bethany (alias, Magdalene), Peter the Great, Charlemagne, and Queen Elizabeth I, whose fashion sense she has maintained in her most recent earthly incarnation. (Images on the web site show her crowned, with a sparkling collar the size of a large pizza, waving a scepter or sometimes a rose.) Her dear Ernest was her husband in past lives too, as Osiris and Jesus.
I also learned that, in spite of what the Mars rovers tell us, there are humans living on Mars in underground cities. Ernest Norman took a mental trip to speak with them. Unlike the $700 million dollar Mars rovers, this telepathic exploration was totally free, and actually managed to produce some aliens. Take that NASA! Ernest learned that the Martians founded a colony on Earth long ago, from which Chinese people are descended. "The people of Mars are smaller than those on Earth," he wrote, "only averaging about four feet, six inches in height. The texture of the skin is very fine and soft, while the hair is usually straight, black, and quite fine." Ah-ha! It makes perfect sense. Of course all those commies would come from the Red Planet.
And the Unarius Academy has helped so many people. One student reports, "I wanted to make a living as a musician in a speed metal band, but my band members kept getting arrested, committing suicide, and spending the money on drugs instead of guitar strings. I was no exception to this." But thanks to Unarius, he's learned that this is because of traumatic past life experiences, like being an ugly cripple and getting knocked up by the village priest, and he's since become a successful businessman with a beautiful wife. One woman says that thanks to Unarius, she knows that in a past life her daughter was her mother and her husband was her father, and she shot her daughter (then her mother) because she was jealous of her getting it on with her husband (then her father). Now she understands why her daughter's fucked up.
The Unarius Academy offers much convincing evidence, but one thing still makes me wonder. Where are the Muons? They were going to land, the Unarius Academy explains, but upon nearing Earth they got scared and went home, frightened by the mean and hostile Earthlings. Oh man, that sucks! Come on, y'all, if you could have just made a little more effort to project some friendly vibes, we could be living in an age of light now. The Muons explained in their psychic communications that they were bombarding the Earth with "high-energy love oscillations." All you have to do is be more receptive, and aliens will come and put an end to all this war and other nastiness. So come on people, open up your minds and feel the interplanetary love.