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In This Issue

• Tom's Restaraunt
• Morningside Heights: Like NYC, But Not
• Letters to the Feditor
• Fed Guide to Internships
• CUicide and You
• Advisors? Who Needs 'Em?
• Housing and Dining Fun Quiz
• Attack of the Killer Barnard Blowjob
• Adventures in the John Jay Elevator
• If You Don't Smoke, We Won't Think You're Cool
• LERNER DELENDA EST
• Piss Off/On Your Roommate
• Fun With Fu!
• Guide to Your Columbia Nervous Breakdown
• THEY WATCH
• Comic - Stickman Theatre's Political Explosion

What is an internship? It is defined by dictionary.com as a job given to a student or a recent graduate so that he/she may undergo supervised practical training. Preferably, I've always defined it as: person, usually young college student, gladly serving as bitch to an undeserving assistant, often unpaid (intern) + a vessel used for water navigation (ship) = young college students performing menial tasks, like ensuring the free flowing of proverbial feces through the proverbial toilets of a proverbial evil, doesn't-care-if-you-live-or-die, large company ship (Internship).

Resume building is a never-ending process. When you applied to Columbia or Barnard, you probably already had the pleasure of interning, most likely in order to enhance your resume, because climbing Mt. Everest in a wheel chair and playing basketball once a week with small, ethnic children just wasn't enough to get you into your fav Ivy-League school. It's okay, I did it too. Nothing to be ashamed of. Except that you used small ethnic children for personal gain and have never actually been to Nepal.

The Big Apple is a bastion of culture, Burberry, and homeless people. It is also the place to go for rad internships. That's right, I said rad mutha fucka. While your friends at their state schools probably have few other options than interning at their local Walmart, where males are paid $0.00 and females a -$0.75, in Manhattan you pretty much have every company in the world at your disposal.

Be wary as a freshman. Employers are under the fallacious impression that you can make copies better when you're a twenty-one-year-old junior than when you're an eighteen-year-old freshman. So, avoid offers like "Intern with BMG RECORDS: We are looking for someone hungry to work alongside our written correspondence chief in organizing and disseminating exclusive incoming BMG documents to top executives. All ages." Internships may suck some fatass, but working in a mail room does not qualify as one. Sadly, certain companies often use the word internship as a pseudonym for slavery. Just because you mean as much to Columbia as west Harlem, does not mean you should subject yourself as a bitch to any fancy pansy company outside of the pearly black gates.

There are plenty of internships out there that are worth while for underclassmen. To land the perfect internship you must begin with nailing the interview, where lying in person proves harder than lying on your resume. First, what you wear makes a crucial impression. Do NOT wear something that screams "I am a naïve, innocent freshman and despite being enrolled at Columbia Buttfucking U, I haven't lost my sweet and supple ass cherry to the Man™ just yet." NO! You cannot be yourself! This world has been configured to destroy anyone who adheres by the "just be yourself" maxim. Rather, use a shower, good posture, and your roommate's expensive perfume/cologne, to gain a façade that says "I did not get drunk at the Heights last night then smoke a bowl before this interview to ease the hangover. Rather, I am mature beyond my years. I am a professional!"

Once you have the internship, work hard at being the best intern you can be. Try not falling asleep at your desk with only AIM chat conversations and windows of kiddy porn dotting your computer screen. If you get drowsy, may the last click of the mouse before your head falls to the keyboard be to pull up bbcnews.com. So as your boss walks by seeing you drool on important company documents, he or she feels bad because you are obviously over-worked, and at least respects your work ethic and interest in current events. If your supervisor asks you to make copies and then file, do not respond with "Copy and file this, asshole!" as you windmill your arm to slap your butt. There are days when this will be tempting, so it is important to have self-control.

The one great thing about an internship is impressing your friends come winter break. Much like your own life, an internship sounds a lot better on paper. "So, how was school this year?" "Well, didn't do much... just interned for BMG RECORDS!" "Shit, that is so rad." "Rad?" "Yeah, I'm trying to bring it back." "Oh, okay." "Gee, I wish I went to school in New York City! What did you do there?" "You know, just disseminated incoming documents for the likes of Clive Davis and OutKast." "Dude, sounds liked you worked in the mail room." At this point, you deflect your friends' efforts to ruin the eminence of your internship with unabashed lies, until next year when you can land the internship making coffee for Davis' secretary's assistant's friend's sixteen-year-old aspiring singer daughter, who is so Ashlee Simpson, but not half as smart.