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In This Issue

• Tom's Restaraunt
• Morningside Heights: Like NYC, But Not
• Letters to the Feditor
• Fed Guide to Internships
• CUicide and You
• Advisors? Who Needs 'Em?
• Housing and Dining Fun Quiz
• Attack of the Killer Barnard Blowjob
• Adventures in the John Jay Elevator
• If You Don't Smoke, We Won't Think You're Cool
• LERNER DELENDA EST
• Piss Off/On Your Roommate
• Fun With Fu!
• Guide to Your Columbia Nervous Breakdown
• THEY WATCH
• Comic - Stickman Theatre's Political Explosion

From the Arch-Editor's Desk

Dear Freshmen,

It's September again and you, the new freshmen class of 2008, descend upon our fair campus like a plague of locusts-but rather than bring pestilence and destruction, you bring joy and love, warming the cockles of my hardened, cynical heart as you swarm about and gaze in awe at all you see through your gigantic, red insect-eyes. The weather's pleasant, the sky's a lovely shade of red at night, and Columbia loves you. Bask in Columbia's loving gaze while you can, for there is only one more time that they will love you so dearly: after you've graduated and they're looking for alumni donations. I'm discounting, of course, the non-consensual love from Alma Mater you will feel regularly. But don't despair.  You're probably going to get along fine anyway. Whether you choose to join the ranks of our loyal readers or decide to count yourself as one of the elite members of our force (and by elite, I mean, anyone and everyone is welcome to join or submit content to our little paper), we'll love you just the same-even if you decide to join the Spectator or smell bad. Welcome to Columbia.

Interested in joining The Fed? We're looking for writers, editors, illustrators, graphics people, layout staff, copy-editors, people to hang out with, and more. Come to one of our recruitment meetings, either 9:00 PM on Sunday, September 12th or 8:00 PM on Monday, September 13th.  E-mail us at thefed@columbia.edu

Michael J. Ilardi
High-Commander-Arch-Editor-in-Chief

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Harry Potter Fans Read Our Website

Some years back we ran a fake Daniel Radcliffe (actor who plays Harry Potter) interview.  To our amusement, 12-year old fans the world over continue to write in to express their hatred/delight on a near weekly basis despite the addition of an online disclaimer labeling it as a "Fake Interview."

Dear Fed,

You guys are so screwed up......Daniel Radcliffe is my cousin and is NOT dating the olsen twins!!!  He does NOT smoke and does NOT curse....STOP trying to make him look bad i LOVE my cousin!!! LEAVE HIM ALONE!! he has enough pressure already!!!!!!!!!! i HATE YOU!!!!!!!!
Joshil9458@xxxxxxx

 

Dear Josh,

We are big mean liars who deal with our social insecurities by putting down others more successful than ourselves.

Michael J. Ilardi
Editor King

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A Scary-Ass Pedophile Doesn't Realize We're Joking

[Editor's Note:  These letters are in regards to an article published in issue 19.1 of The Fed.  We had assumed that everyone would recognize this article as satire.  We assumed wrong.]

Dear Fed,

Hey man I loved your colom,  I am glad to see someone who has found intrest in that subject as well!! Please if you have pics of Lilamber and others plz send them im willing to trade some of mine

[redacted]

 

Dear Reader,

E-mail us at tips@fbi.gov and we'll be glad to forward you our pictures of Little Amber.

Michael J. Ilardi
Feditor-in-Chief

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Someone gets it...

Dear Fed,

I just cannot believe this stuff exists.  These girls are just babies.  What has this world come to?  These web sites should be illegal and band from the web ( if that is possible).  These parents have gone mad and put the rest of our children in danger.

Cory Mulhall

 

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Ida O'Donnell

Why, yes, Ida.  How thoughtful of you.

Michael J. Ilardi
Arch-Feditor

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Praise Be The Fed

Dear Bill McLaughlin,

As a keenspace cartoonist ("Zombie High",waterguy.keenspace.com) I found your article about Keenspace comics very insightful. Keenspace has provided a creative outlet for young people like myself, either aspiring comic authors or just the casual cartoonist, without the censorship or restrictions of other outlets (i.e. school newspapers), and an entire online community of artists.

James Jeffrey

San Francisco, CA