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In This Issue

• Tom's Restaraunt
• Morningside Heights: Like NYC, But Not
• Letters to the Feditor
• Fed Guide to Internships
• CUicide and You
• Advisors? Who Needs 'Em?
• Housing and Dining Fun Quiz
• Attack of the Killer Barnard Blowjob
• Adventures in the John Jay Elevator
• If You Don't Smoke, We Won't Think You're Cool
• LERNER DELENDA EST
• Piss Off/On Your Roommate
• Fun With Fu!
• Guide to Your Columbia Nervous Breakdown
• THEY WATCH
• Comic - Stickman Theatre's Political Explosion

All right, Freshies, a lot of you don't smoke just yet. I'm stressing the "yet" because over the next year, many of you will in fact become nicotine-craving cancer stick junkies. During this time, your body will be undergoing certain changes that will be both painful and quite exciting. This is a guide to help you through the puberty of your addiction.

Your first cigarette should be "bummed off" (borrowed from) one of your friends. To smoke, put the "filtered" end in your mouth, and light the other with a match, stove light, acetylene torch, or a pair of heavily used Hit Stix. If you have trouble figuring out which end is filtered, ask one of your cool friends. They will know and make fun of you for not knowing. Now, suck the smoke from the cigarette into your trachea. Yeah! Feel that burn? That means it's working. Then breathe the smoke into your lungs; hold it for a few seconds, and release. Coughing is for pussies and a sign of a neophyte, so don't.

Blowing the smoke out is my favorite part. The stream of smoke trailing from your mouth makes you look sexy. Now, your first few cigarettes may make you sick and can induce vomiting. Don't worry, it's perfectly natural and normal. Look around on a Friday night on Broadway: hordes of freshmen returning from the 'Stend are vomiting all over the place. Vomit wherever you need, whether it be on the rug outside the elevator, in your garbage can, on your computer screen, or out the window. It happens all the time, and it won't be the last time you vomit at Columbia.

But let's back up. Do you feel that nauseating dizziness? Not so bad, huh? Don't your trembling hands make you feel like you can shake up the world? That's what we call nicotine. Nicotine works well with other drugs, including ethanol, caffeine, and crack, although I wouldn't recommend that you get caught up in caffeine. Also, girls, cigarettes suppress your appetite.

So, then, let's talk long-term. Imagine, if you will, that it's the second week of classes. You've bummed a few packs, and your friends are getting pissed because they're sick of supporting your habit. It is time to buy your first carton. I'd recommend something light. Light cigarettes are like children's, or starter cigarettes. They have less tar and nicotine, and they're better for you. Think of them as training wheels for your lungs. Once you get used to these, you can move up to the regulars.

Now you will need an area to regularly smoke. A common area will be outside of your dormitory. See, people used to think that banning smoking in first-year dorms would discourage such unhealthy behaviors. Their logic was that the huge walk and/or elevator wait en route to the outside would be prohibitive. Actually, this new rule has created a fantabulous social scene. You will soon become friends with all of the other smokers who gather outside of your dormitory. It's a great way to meet people in your class, and foster school spirit. Roar, Lion, Roar!