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In This Issue

• Spec to Columnist: Blow Yourself
• Vote Phil "Shuttlecock" Steigman
• Magic Cards Not Key to Happy Sex Life
• Letters to the Editor
• FU Foundation Unveils New Logo Wear
• Lerner Elevators vs. ROLM phones - The Final Battle
• Regime Change at The Fed
• Whoah It's A Scary Roach!
• Nerd Wizard Levels Up on Girl at Bar
• A Pleasant Star Wars DVD Fantasy
• Imaginary Superhuman Boyfriend Tell-All!
• Marauding Interviewer: Will You Take These Pills?
• Make Your Own Flamethrower or AIDS Drugs From the Web
• Freshman Magical Mystery Tour of Columbia
• Erotic Mad Libs
• Adventures of Ice Bitch II
• Catch As Catch Can
• Stickman Theatre
• Lord of The Rings Party
• Dining at Columbia, Mob Style
• Crane Droppings
• THEY WATCH

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By day, I am Thaktas, noble wizard and guardian of the sacred rod of Hextor. I quest to bring glory to my noble deity and smite his vile and contemptuous foes. But, alas, by night I am just a man, a student of engineering here at Columbia University, and lonely.

Role-playing can only fulfill most of my needs, and so this Friday night I must journey to seek Man’s most elusive and yet fundamental treasure: sweet, sweet pussy.

The game concludes this evening and I rush to my room at double my standard movement rate. What should I wear? A well-performed disguise check should shroud my geek exterior. I don my vestments and make for the door. Almost forgot my secret weapon! I turn back and spray myself with some Axe. That Viking Shrag got one thing right: “never leave home without axe.”

The Lion’s Head is crowded as usual tonight. All eyes turn to me as I enter, my regal manner filling the lowly tavern. I get a look from a fair maiden at a table in the back. Time to put that level of Player to good use.

“Hey, I’m Rob. Can I buy you a drink?”

“Um, hi. I’m Brittany? I didn’t know Buddhists were allowed to drink and stuff.”

Buddhist? Blast! My magical wizard robe; I must have fumbled my disguise check. The big Dungeon Master in the sky is testing my skills. I must rely on my bluffing skills instead.

“Yeah, of course we can. The teachings of Buddha revolve around alcohol. What’s your poison, m’lady?”

“I’m sure anything you pick will be fine.”

Excelsior! She’s already tipsy, thank Hextor for Barnard girls. A three-legged hob-goblin could woo them. Shit, I am gettin’ some tonight, no doubt! Uh? I mean? this fair lady’s love shall flow bountifully over me under this night’s moon. As I amble to the counter my robes flow behind me, flapping with each turn through the crowd, snapping my presence to the gods, marking a—

“You gonna order somethin’, buddy?”

“Wha, huh? two elixirs of maiden swooning +1, barkeep. Post-haste.”

"Two roofi-coladas coming right up.”

“Whoa, I said +1. I can’t afford +3.”

“My mistake. How about two 151-and-cokes?”

“Excellent.”

A sharp man, this fellow, I must reward him in kind.

“Thank you, my good man. Here, have some gold for your troubles.”

“Sacagawea dollars?!? God damn gamers, always with their fucking ‘gold pieces.’ I swear if I get one more of these?”

My armor class is too low to risk combat here; I must find a distraction; I need a spot check fast.

“Hey, are those AE-Pi brothers urinating on your tables?” Ah, those barbarians come in handy now and then.

“What the fuck!” I sneak away during the fray, escaping to my maiden’s side.

“Potables for our poached throats, my lady.”

“Tee hee. Why thank you m’lord. Mmm, this is strong.”

“The finest potion my gold could procure.”

“Potion?... hey aren’t you one of the role-playing geeks from the games club?”

“Um? well?” I must make a bluff check fast. I whip out a d20 from my pocket and roll for the sake of my sex life. A 20, critical success! She’ll believe me for sure, my secret will be safe, my penis will not go withered and unused, my? fucking cock-mongrel, I’m a retard.

“You are one of them, I knew it!”

“Please don’t hurt me; I'm a bleeder."

“Ha, ha, it’s ok. I’ve been looking to join a D&D game here, but I’ve been too embarrassed to ask, and kinda creeped out by the geezers at games club.”

“Wha?” I can do nothing but stammer. A female gamer, the prize above all prizes, miracle of miracles. I’m gonna level tonight up for sure. Maybe even twice.