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Dance, Magic, Dance
Issue 20.1: Fantasy
Posted: September 30, 2004

FU Foundation Unveils New Logo Wear

Engineers still generally scorned

Dennis Boyle

As a freshman engineering student, one terrible disappointment has really hit me hard during my first few weeks here at Columbia. No, it isn’t that I only have one class where my teacher knows I exist, or that I have gotten zero tail while CC students are fucking their brains out. I, and the rest of the engineers knew that would happen when we applied. What we didn’t know was that the wonderful donation of Z. Y. Fu had been squandered. I’m not saying that the money was misspent, but rather that the name, that wonderful name, Fu, those two wonderful letters, F U, had been put to waste in favor of the dull acronym SEAS. This has been used in the past for crappy puns like “SEAS the Day,” and will probably be used in the future for shit like “Sail the Seven SEAS.” Plus, it’s the same name that a whole bunch of other engineering schools have, including those cheesesteak eating Quaker pussies at Penn.

Now, think of all of those Orientation Week conversations. “Hi, I’m [insert name], what’s yours? Oh, I’m [name #2] from [location, most likely Jersey], where are you from? I’m from [location #2, most likely Westchester], what school are you?” And then comes the boring answer: “SEAS.” This is the answer that makes interesting and possibly attractive non-engineers cringe and excuse themselves to look for someone else to make friends with who has a few fewer science cooties. Now, how much better would those conversations be if the answer were “F U”? A shit-load, that’s how much. Sure, the person might be a little taken aback, but he or she would probably just assume that you’re cool and edgy, and not even realize that you’re an engineer. Either that, or out of rage they’d challenge you to a battle of StarCraft or Simpsons quotes, and you could impress everyone with your badass skillz. And if they challenge you to something physical, (fighting, push ups, non-virtual ping-pong), you could always explain, “N-n-no Miss Film Student Who Is Only Talking To Me Because We Had The Same Birthday At CUnity, the name of the school is actually F U." After which she would offer consensual sex.

It would also improve engineers’ desperately lacking fashion sense. Currently, most engineers are seen in either rumpled, Cheeto-stained Star Wars shirts or those crappy Columbia Engineering T-shirts. Some of these are styled to look like a subway line, with an E (for Engineering) in a blue circle. Unfortunately, they may as well say M, for Masturbation, since everyone wearing that shirt is most likely on an express train to self-companionship for the rest of their college careers. Other elegant engineering garments sport a quote from some Greek asshole who says he could “move the world if he had something to stand on.” Besides sucking, this shirt is blatantly false. I, like most of the shrimpy engineers you see walking around hunched like Igor carrying Abby Normal’s brain, can barely lift my goddamn books. Instead, we should develop a new clothing line centered on the F U name. Now, last year, apparently there were shirts that said “I (heart) FU” ? l? the “I (heart) NY” shirts. This does not take full advantage of the double entendre possibilities of FU. Given the success of French Connection to the United Kingdom, based solely on their acronym, “ fcuk,” I submit that we rip off their idea. Imagine a world with shirts that say “I’m going to FU at Columbia University,” “Columbia. FU,” or simply hats and booty shorts (for both of the hot engineering girls) that say “FU.” That is a world I want to live in, one in which Z.Y. Fu’s gift will be truly appreciated.