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In This Issue

• Spec to Columnist: Blow Yourself
• Vote Phil "Shuttlecock" Steigman
• Magic Cards Not Key to Happy Sex Life
• Letters to the Editor
• FU Foundation Unveils New Logo Wear
• Lerner Elevators vs. ROLM phones - The Final Battle
• Regime Change at The Fed
• Whoah It's A Scary Roach!
• Nerd Wizard Levels Up on Girl at Bar
• A Pleasant Star Wars DVD Fantasy
• Imaginary Superhuman Boyfriend Tell-All!
• Marauding Interviewer: Will You Take These Pills?
• Make Your Own Flamethrower or AIDS Drugs From the Web
• Freshman Magical Mystery Tour of Columbia
• Erotic Mad Libs
• Adventures of Ice Bitch II
• Catch As Catch Can
• Stickman Theatre
• Lord of The Rings Party
• Dining at Columbia, Mob Style
• Crane Droppings
• THEY WATCH

Hello!
Her dark, pretty face blmsglittered there in front of me. I stood withmy mouth open, trying to jhji think of some way to answer her. We were locked together this way for ygscmaybe a couple of seconds; then the sound of the mill jumped a hitch, and something xoqicommenced to drawher back away from me. A string somewhere I didn't see hooked on nvsythat flowered red skirt and was tugging her back. Her fingernail speeled jkrt. Her dark, pretty face clphglittered there in front of me.I stood with my mouth open, trying to dxeg think of some way to answerher. We were locked together this way for xgwgmaybe a couple of seconds; then the sound of the mill jumped a hitch, and somethingvrivcommenced to draw her back away from me. A string somewhere Ididn't see hooked on widf that flowered red skirt and was tugging herback. Her fingernails peeled lloq.
Bye.

Hmmm. Whatever you say, buddy. The Fed is here for you.
            Katie Herman
            Head Submissions Feditor

Hi I am 11 years old and I am doing this project called, what makes agood day out, so what I need is a picture of a 7 year old girl model...PLEASE!!!

Dude, that is messed up. A kid yourage should be dating nine-year-olds, not lusting after innocent little children. Obviously, you missed the point of the Lil Amber article(19.1): sexy little girl models are a scary, scary thing. Perv.
             Katie

the Fed should have a gmail account.  because gmail accounts are fun and cool.  and everyone who's trendy has a gmail account. not that I know what you'd do with it.  personally i don't use mine for anything.  except, lately, to invite people to use gmail.
hmmmm...
-tom

Aren't you worried that Google will take over the world and install big screens in our houses that talk tous, like in that book by George Orwell? Besides, someone already took thefed@gmail.com. Curse you, Alan Greenspan!
            Katie Herman
            Eadhay Ubmissionssay Editoray

Dear Fed,
When will you post the new Orientation issue on your Web site? Readers on the Left Coast are eager to weigh your thoughtful and helpful advice for the Class of 2008 and catch up with our favorite contributors.
Love,
    A 'Frisco reader

While I'm both amused and confused todiscover that we have regular readers in San Francisco (meaning, peoplewho aren't Columbia students), I am pleased to announce the launch ofour beautiful new website, the-fed.org.  Check it out, people.
Mike Ilardi
Arch-Editor

I recieved the nasty-ass Orientation issue under my door a few weeks ago, and since then I pass approximately 8 1/2 stacks of the Spectator every day around campus. Where is the Fed?! because I ain't tryin' to read the Spec e'erday. werd.
yours truly.

The nasty-ass Fantasy issue is in yourhands, yo. (For nasty-ass, see page 3). You will get a new one everythree weeks. And yeah, those Spectators grow like weeds. Pull them up, they just come back.
                    Werd,
                    Katie Herman

To Whom It May Concern,
I'm a student and wanted to know how I could submit a piece for thepaper. You guys are one of the most open minded papers i've seen so I would love to contribute. I just want to know the criterias for submission (max lenght, etc.) and how often you publish.
Thanks,
Black Coffee

Dear Black Coffee,
Whoa, we have never published an article by a beverage before! But yeah, send us an article. We accept submissions from everyone: thefed@columbia.edu
                    Katie Herman