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In This Issue
- Spec to Columnist: Blow Yourself
- Vote Phil "Shuttlecock" Steigman
- Magic Cards Not Key to Happy Sex Life
- Letters to the Editor
- FU Foundation Unveils New Logo Wear
- Lerner Elevators vs. ROLM phones - The Final Battle
- Regime Change at The Fed
- Whoah It's A Scary Roach!
- Nerd Wizard Levels Up on Girl at Bar
- A Pleasant Star Wars DVD Fantasy
- Imaginary Superhuman Boyfriend Tell-All!
- Marauding Interviewer: Will You Take These Pills?
- Make Your Own Flamethrower or AIDS Drugs From the Web
- Freshman Magical Mystery Tour of Columbia
- Erotic Mad Libs
- Adventures of Ice Bitch II
- Catch As Catch Can
- Stickman Theatre
- Lord of The Rings Party
- Dining at Columbia, Mob Style
- Crane Droppings
- THEY WATCH
Magic Cards Not Key to Happy Sex Life
Study also shows rocks not edible
Hannah Rose Baker
What’s more annoying than having to listen to your roommate’s nocturnal moans of pleasure night after night? “Not much,” you might say, but think again. Imagine this scenario: It’s a Saturday night, I've finally finished all of the reading for my seminar, "The Cigar as a Phallic Symbol in Film Noir in the Forties." Those big, long cigars have got me all hot and bothered so I dial my one and only’s digits with hope and expectation burning in my chest (and groin). Brrring, brrring... My heart speeds up!
“Hey,” he grunts in that sexy neanderthalesque voice of his.
“Hi,”I pipe up, “wanna come over?" Then, to further woo my lover, I add, "My roommate’s gone home for the weekend”
Long pause....
“Uh....actually, replies my dearest darling, “I’m playing Magic....”
“Oh,” I falteringly reply.
“Yeah, and I have like thirty life too! See I have this card, and when the other guy draws, I automatically take all of his cards and put them under mine and then after the next turn I can multiply their power by a hundred and then...” his voice drones on, becoming higher and more nasal by the minute while my internal monologue becomes severely X-rated for at least a few minutes. “So I guess I better go,” he grunts “The guys don't like it when I’m on the phone too long.” And with a sigh, I hang up the phone, while another night of passion whirls down the drain, like so much vomit after a night of too much drinking.
You may think my situation is not too common, or even unique, but I promise, you would be wrong. This, my friends is unfortunately an all too common scenario for those of us not dating a recruited athlete, or anybody dating someone from SEAS. The Magic Geek persona is capable of hiding out in most seemingly normal people and tends to only manifest itself sporadically, when it feels it is among its “own kind.”
Much like crack, the Magic Geek may have tried Magic once or twice as a kid because all of his friends were doing it and said it was cool. But once he hits puberty and can’t stop gaming, and has maybe even bought little plastic protectors for each individual card so they don't get damaged, trust me my friend, that habit has gone hardcore and there is no returning. Everything else becomes unimportant: food, sleep, and, to get back to our original problem, sex. The only thing that matters is getting that next hit...I mean game.
So, in a desperate attempt to bring back the passion in my relationship I propose a marriage between two polar opposites, a veritable unification of two unlike but fascinating (well, only one is really fascinating) topics: sex and Magic. Move over Magic: The Gathering, it’s time for Magic: The Orgy.
This would not be as difficult a shift as you might think. Take for example, the Magic card entitled “Pernicious Deed.” A few alterations to the graphic on the card and you have “Pernicious Sex Deed” which can be acted out accordingly. “Promise of Power?” No problem: “Promise of Sexual Power.” “Sexual Bane of the Living” might be pushing it a bit, but who knows?
And life points? Those are quickly and easily converted to libido points and, when tallied up at the end of the game, will finally prove once and for all, which of you is the better lover.
So, the next Saturday that I feel a yen for some good old-fashioned whoopie-making, no longer will I try to entice my lover with thoughts of my roommate being out of town. No, I’ll simply call him up and say in a sultry voice, “Wanna play a little Magic? I’ve got my x-rated deck...”
Next week: tackling the problem of Pokemon porn.