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In This Issue

• Spec to Columnist: Blow Yourself
• Vote Phil "Shuttlecock" Steigman
• Magic Cards Not Key to Happy Sex Life
• Letters to the Editor
• FU Foundation Unveils New Logo Wear
• Lerner Elevators vs. ROLM phones - The Final Battle
• Regime Change at The Fed
• Whoah It's A Scary Roach!
• Nerd Wizard Levels Up on Girl at Bar
• A Pleasant Star Wars DVD Fantasy
• Imaginary Superhuman Boyfriend Tell-All!
• Marauding Interviewer: Will You Take These Pills?
• Make Your Own Flamethrower or AIDS Drugs From the Web
• Freshman Magical Mystery Tour of Columbia
• Erotic Mad Libs
• Adventures of Ice Bitch II
• Catch As Catch Can
• Stickman Theatre
• Lord of The Rings Party
• Dining at Columbia, Mob Style
• Crane Droppings
• THEY WATCH

We grabbed some harmless melatonin pills (very ineffective sleeping pills - these only work on real lightweights) and skipped around campus seeing who, oh, who would take these two delicious pills.

Rick, CC

Hi, will you take these pills?
What are they?
I dunno, I just need someone to take these before I do.
If we crush them up, I see no reason why not. It hits you all in the 1st ten minutes.
Yeah, God that's totally true. So does that mean you'll take them?
I need your number. Can I get your number?
Eww.  

Jeremy, CC

(While talking to another friend) Yeah, so I just completely lied to people and told them that some guy gave them to me in the elevator.
Wait, some guy gave you pills in the elevator?
Yeah. Want to take one? (I fish around in my back pocket trying to make it look like I'm actually picking it out of my butt) You want this? (I hand him a little, smashed up quarter of a pill)
Sure! I hope this isn't something gay like Codine.
No, this isn't Codine. Don't worry.
Bottoms up! I LOVE COLLEGE!
Indeed. We all love college.

Professor at Cafe 212

Hi will you take these?
Is this like a scavenger hunt?
No, I just need someone to try my pills. I don't just take random pills without people trying them before.
Who are you?
I'm a student here.
Yeah. I figured that. Do they have numbers on them?
What? No.
Please be careful.

Mysterious, Cute, Tall, Crackhead

Hi, will you take these pills?
Yeah, what are they? Uppers or downers?
I'm not sure. Some guy in the elevator gave them to me.
Are you making people pay for them or what?
No, you can just take them. (Damn you Daya! Damn you! Take money you fuckass!)
Ok, thanks a lot.
(Takes both pills and walks away- Success! I'm the winner!)

Gaggle of Freshmen Lounging Outside Carman

Please take these pills.
(Girl 1): What are they?
I'm not sure. I need like a pill taster. Someone that will take my pills before I do. Like kings did back in the day. Except with pills, not chicken.
Is it X?
No. Only losers call it X. But it's not E ‘cuz it doesn't have pictures.
Oh, so you know X?
Yes. I know this isn't E.
How did you survive high school?
Well I had people test my drugs for me. So if it was bad I knew and wouldn't take it. Obviously.
(Some other guy takes the pills and throws them in the bushes)
(Other guy)  You are the stupidest smart person I've ever met.
This is really an article for The Fed. You guys are extremely gullible.
Really? I knew it!
I'm just kidding. It's not an article. I don't even go to this school. I'm from Queens. I go to Queens College.
I knew it!

Some SEAS Guy

Hi, will you take these pills?
No my mother told me never to take stuff from strangers.
Your mother was a bitch.