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In This Issue

• Spec to Columnist: Blow Yourself
• Vote Phil "Shuttlecock" Steigman
• Magic Cards Not Key to Happy Sex Life
• Letters to the Editor
• FU Foundation Unveils New Logo Wear
• Lerner Elevators vs. ROLM phones - The Final Battle
• Regime Change at The Fed
• Whoah It's A Scary Roach!
• Nerd Wizard Levels Up on Girl at Bar
• A Pleasant Star Wars DVD Fantasy
• Imaginary Superhuman Boyfriend Tell-All!
• Marauding Interviewer: Will You Take These Pills?
• Make Your Own Flamethrower or AIDS Drugs From the Web
• Freshman Magical Mystery Tour of Columbia
• Erotic Mad Libs
• Adventures of Ice Bitch II
• Catch As Catch Can
• Stickman Theatre
• Lord of The Rings Party
• Dining at Columbia, Mob Style
• Crane Droppings
• THEY WATCH

Ethan, toppled

Bill, in a Guerilla Suit

No, it’s not a multi-ton blockbuster bomb inflicting massive casualties on a defenseless civilian population, but it’s almost as good. The Federalist Paper is pleased to announce that they have given the boot to former Fed publisher Ethan Heitner. Fublisher Heitner, known at one point as “the most hated man on campus” for the numerous scandals of his reign, including the gassing of Kurdish villages during the war with Iran, will be replaced by his former ally and CIA-backed strongman William McLaughlin.

McLaughlin promises to bring order to the rapidly disintegrating Fed office, a place of violence and anarchy that experts worry will break into open civil war now that Heitner no longer keeps warring factions under control with his iron fist.

Of course, it is highly likely that the Heitner defeated was not, in fact, the actual Ethan Heitner, but one of an army of Heitnerbots, each of which believes itself to be the true Ethan.