• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• Spec to Columnist: Blow Yourself
• Vote Phil "Shuttlecock" Steigman
• Magic Cards Not Key to Happy Sex Life
• Letters to the Editor
• FU Foundation Unveils New Logo Wear
• Lerner Elevators vs. ROLM phones - The Final Battle
• Regime Change at The Fed
• Whoah It's A Scary Roach!
• Nerd Wizard Levels Up on Girl at Bar
• A Pleasant Star Wars DVD Fantasy
• Imaginary Superhuman Boyfriend Tell-All!
• Marauding Interviewer: Will You Take These Pills?
• Make Your Own Flamethrower or AIDS Drugs From the Web
• Freshman Magical Mystery Tour of Columbia
• Erotic Mad Libs
• Adventures of Ice Bitch II
• Catch As Catch Can
• Stickman Theatre
• Lord of The Rings Party
• Dining at Columbia, Mob Style
• Crane Droppings
• THEY WATCH

Pizza man looks on in hot girl-guy-phone-elevator action.

My first year at Columbia was a difficult one. And by difficult, I mean emotionally unfulfilling. And by emotionally unfulfilling, I mean sexually unfulfilling. Let’s just say I was the modern-day equivalent of one of those Star Wars creatures. Not one of the “Awwww, cute, let’s cuddle it and maybe give it a pity fuck” Ewok-type creatures. No, I was more like an overwhelmingly bizarre Wookie that everyone was afraid to touch. So when it came to satisfying my big, hairy, Wookie-desires, I learned to improvise early on. My fetishes? Disembodied voices: the one kind of love that can’t make you feel inferior! (Because anything in picture form can cast you disapproving looks. After all, even Playboy centerfolds, tiny-hipped anime girls, and the photographs of the Spec’s Roving Reporter victims have eyes.)

My first love was the Lerner elevator voice. You know, the elevator that devilishly asks, “Going down?” with more panache than an Aerosmith song. Love in an elevator indeed.  Sometimes I would hold the doors open until she would sneer “Please allow the doors to close” just to hear her. [Editor’s Note: Try this out.  Seriously, it’s actually kind of fun.] The Lerner Elevator Lady, among other things, made me feel as though I could belong to the Ivy League elite. When fellow students would get on the elevator with me, sigh, roll their eyes back in their sockets, and demand, “Could that be any more like HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey?” I would nod in frantic agreement. Sometimes I would even complain about how “derivative” Lerner was being, all the while berating myself for not watching more Kubrick movies so that the nice folks at CUSFS might consider me an acceptable target for mating.

Of course, I couldn’t make it to Lerner every night. But I did need a release that didn’t include curling up in a fetal position on the floor and stuffing myself with Twinkies. Holed up at night in my room, I would cheat on my Lerner-lover with the ROLM Phone woman. All I’d have to do is press “Messages Waiting,” and away I’d go. No, the ROLM Phone woman wasn’t quite as accommodating or servile as the other ladies I’ve encountered by way of my phone. In fact, she was kind of a bitch. But she appealed to the masochistic side of me. I would get off on the image of her wielding the phone cord maniacally, staring down at me, and sneering, “You have no new messages.” Ah, the ROLM Phone woman was a harsh mistress.

As you’ve probably guessed, I have a lot of free time on my hands.  So, I’ve come up with a few sexy fantasies (a CU disembodied voice cat-fight) involving the two lovely ladies in my life.

1. Sword Duel

Winner? ROLM Phone Woman. She’d probably pull an Indiana Jones and shoot Lerner Elevator lady in the stomach. Then she’d pull out her telephone cord whip and crack it menacingly.

2. Gun Duel at 50 paces

The Lerner elevator lady. With her Valium and Xanax in one thigh-high leather boot, she’s both confident and dangerous.

3. Gun Duel at 100 paces

The ROLM Phone Woman (she fights dirty.)

4. Race to bear my seed.    

The Lerner Elevator Lady. She has beautiful, massive childbearing hips.

I would like to add a caveat: if Doris the Strong, Beautiful, Barnard woman was in this match, she’d clearly win, hands down.

But when you get down to it, what would really be the point of a fight between ROLM Phone Woman and Lerner Elevator Lady?  Really, it’s the fact that they have no physical manifestations that allows me to continue indulging in my fantasies.