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In This Issue

• Spec to Columnist: Blow Yourself
• Vote Phil "Shuttlecock" Steigman
• Magic Cards Not Key to Happy Sex Life
• Letters to the Editor
• FU Foundation Unveils New Logo Wear
• Lerner Elevators vs. ROLM phones - The Final Battle
• Regime Change at The Fed
• Whoah It's A Scary Roach!
• Nerd Wizard Levels Up on Girl at Bar
• A Pleasant Star Wars DVD Fantasy
• Imaginary Superhuman Boyfriend Tell-All!
• Marauding Interviewer: Will You Take These Pills?
• Make Your Own Flamethrower or AIDS Drugs From the Web
• Freshman Magical Mystery Tour of Columbia
• Erotic Mad Libs
• Adventures of Ice Bitch II
• Catch As Catch Can
• Stickman Theatre
• Lord of The Rings Party
• Dining at Columbia, Mob Style
• Crane Droppings
• THEY WATCH

For over five years, THEY Watch has been appearing in the pages of The Fed, where it has become something of a well-loved institution. Well-loved by who? By you?- Or by us?- Or even by THEM?

The truth is, it doesn't matter. The key word in that phrase was "institution." Yeah, baby. THEY Watch has become an institution, has developed its own culture of self-perpetuation, we're over thirty, we've made the necessary compromises, and the bottom line is youcan't trust us for shit anymore. So here's where it gets strange. The end ofthe cookie cutter morality play. At the bottom of this, you and THEY are intertwined like one of those impossible little tavern puzzles that some smug jerk leaves at the end of a bar. All of the obvious moves are wrong. And pulling harder doesn't seem to be helping.

I. Next Saturday (Oct. 2), Students for Sensible Drug Policy is hosting a big regional drug policy convention right here at Lerner Hall. It's on the fifth floor, it runs from 11-5, it's free, there's an after party, and you should show up. Yeah, it's painfully obvious, but still, THE "DRUG WAR" = THEY!

II.Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The movie totally kicks ass and can greatly enhance a boring Friday night. But Shredder's goons infiltrated Lerner Hall scheduling to ruin it. ROCKSTEADY AND BEBOP = THEY!

III. "Vote Your Dreams, Not Your Fears!" Look, I dreamed last night that the Capitol Building was made of ice cream. And that the senators turned into hot fudge. But that didn't happen. Get it? NADER 2004 =THEY!