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In This Issue

• Spec to Columnist: Blow Yourself
• Vote Phil "Shuttlecock" Steigman
• Magic Cards Not Key to Happy Sex Life
• Letters to the Editor
• FU Foundation Unveils New Logo Wear
• Lerner Elevators vs. ROLM phones - The Final Battle
• Regime Change at The Fed
• Whoah It's A Scary Roach!
• Nerd Wizard Levels Up on Girl at Bar
• A Pleasant Star Wars DVD Fantasy
• Imaginary Superhuman Boyfriend Tell-All!
• Marauding Interviewer: Will You Take These Pills?
• Make Your Own Flamethrower or AIDS Drugs From the Web
• Freshman Magical Mystery Tour of Columbia
• Erotic Mad Libs
• Adventures of Ice Bitch II
• Catch As Catch Can
• Stickman Theatre
• Lord of The Rings Party
• Dining at Columbia, Mob Style
• Crane Droppings
• THEY WATCH

Matt Holden

True or false: You can get mono from riding the monorail?

Hello, my name is Phil Steigman and I’m running for ’08 Student Council President! After arriving at Columbia a few weeks ago, I realized I was at the greatest school in the world, but I also realized there are ways that we can make it even greater; and when I say “we”, I mean “me.” So flip that “W” upside down and vote.

But to be serious for a few seconds, I think that our fine institution needs some fine-tuning. You may be asking yourself, “Phil Steigman, what are these tune-ups that you are talking to me about and why are you, Phil Steigman, the man for the job?”

Well, let me just answer your first question with another question: What aren’t the tune-ups I’m talking about?

Let’s first look at our surroundings. HOT! HOT! HOT! And I’m not just talking about the ladies on campus. (Vote for Phil Steigman, ladies, please!) Has anyone ever eaten in John Jay Dining Area before? Well if you have, you know it is scorching hot in there. After some investigating I found out that all this heat comes out of the kitchen, the room where all the chefs make the food we eat. Well, now that we know this, I think it is quite logical what the right thing to do is. When I am elected, I, Phil Steigman, will move the dining room kitchen away from John Jay to Schmormgashorn Hall and because it will be far away, the heat from the kitchen we put in Schemergerharn won’t reach us when we are eating in John Jay Dining Zone. A lot of people may think it’s going to be hard to get our food from Shermanharm to John Jay, but don’t you fret one bit—Steigman will work a deal out with the MTA (Metro Train Authority) to have a big subway car filled up with food every 7 minutes and driven from the front door of S-Horn to the front door of JJay. All passengers on board the Steigman express!

Who has their schedules already? Awesome! Does anyone ever find that they have one class and then like 5 minutes later have to be in another class that is far away from the first one? Me too!!! That’s why, when chosen by you guys to represent, I will talk to the President of Columbia, Christopher Columbia, and tell him that we need more time between classes. He will approve my idea, and it will be called “Steigman-Style Scheduling,” and President C.C. will make a 45 minute period between classes mandatory. This way every Tuesday and Thursday after my 1:10-2:00 badminton class is over, I don’t have to sweatily rush over to my Literature and Humanitees class in Ham Hall, but instead can take a nice long shower after an intense session with the Shuttlecock, and also you guys can do whatever you want in between classes, as well. If you think that we all have the right to “Shower after Shuttlecocking” then vote for Phil Steigman, who will bring you “Steigman Style Scheduling.”

Cool!

Has anyone ever noticed all the little kids at Columbia? I don’t know about you guys but I worked my buns off through four long years of high school to get here. So when I see one of these little morons pushing some tiny stroller with an ugly doll in it all over our beautiful campus, I want to punch him/her. These kids haven’t even started grammar school and they are already allowed to reap the benefits of an Ivy League institution? How presumptionous! And do you know how messy it would be if I stepped on one of those losers by accident on my way to do some big people studying at Buttler Library? So when The Steigman-Man is officially in office, I’m going to ban all the little jerks from campus. And under this proposed “Steigman clause,” any security guard who catches one of the meddlers on campus and successfully bags him/her will get a pay bonus. Finally! Phil Steigman will make our campus safe again, by kicking these prepubescent loiterers out of our Campus Eden; and they can take their old, smelly, caretaking broads with them. Steigman!

So if you Columbia students want to have a non-sweltering, post-shuttlecock showering, grimy toddler-free campus, remember when you go to the polls on voting day, “Raarr, Tigers, Raarr! For Phil Steigman and a great 4 years.”