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In This Issue

• East Campus Drink-or-Treating
• Why Your Vote Doesn't Count
• Cheney-Edwards: Now That's A Ticket!
• Fed Fun Guide to Third Party Candidates
• Homeless Voters Choose
• Vintage T-shirt Democracy Plot
• A First lesson in Russian Swearing
• September 10th: The Adjective
• Letters to and from The Fed
• Zombie Reagan!
• Liberal Bias Alleged in Democratic Party
• Presidential Candidates Have Large Height Difference
• Lover's Lane Hook Psycho Mutilated
• Advice from the Manly
• Complete Presidential Debate Coverage
• Monsters of the World
• THEY WATCH
• Alarming Statistics on Brain Eating
• Ice Bitch for Election Day
• Where's Dick Cheney?

Katie Herman

Artist's composite sketch

Cheney births Bush: Simian doctors look on

The presidential debates have been quite popular viewing during this election cycle, but I have always preferred the vice presidential debates because the lesser candidates brush aside decorum and simply throw haymakers at each other; some crushing, some glancing, all fun to watch. This year, due to the apocalyptic suspense of this election, everyone else finally caught on and tuned in. As Bush and Kerry's poll numbers intertwined like the strands of their shared elite, corporate, white male DNA, the Cheney-Edwards debate was a well-watched affair around campus and across the nation.

And what a shootout! Dick Cheney is the best VP debater in the history of televised debates because he is such a fantastically dismissive old bastard to anyone who even slightly annoys him. In 2000, he dryly mocked Joe Lieberman's healthcare initiatives before smashing Lieberman's head between his palms and keying his car. John Edwards, however, is so cute and sincere that only someone as cynical as Cheney, a man beyond petty "morality" who waves off God and Satan with one weary swipe of his hand, could dislike the Senatuh from Noth' Ca-olinah wit' thu' Paul Mitchell Hayah Prahducts. Perhaps the opposition, the media, the electorate, and Edwards' own running mate treat him so condescendingly because he may actually believe in the power of the American political system to truly help the less fortunate. What an adorable douche!

As the debate wore on (Cheney: "Iraq is making progress. Your dreams and goals are all meaningless, for the human spirit is an ant destined to be scorched ‘neath the magnified death-beam of fate. Obey." Edwards: "Nice job raising your GAY daughter, what with her being GAY and all. Way to handle that GAY threat in an honorable manner. Um, golly, I hate terrorists.") I grew tired of seeing the two men quarreling. While I dislike both politically, I actually started to like them both individually. I wondered if, together, they could defy the emptiness of politics and pull off something wild. Then it hit me: A Cheney-Edwards, bipartisan, bipolar, rogue double-trouble candidacy.

Chedwards 2004. One potential vice president, plus one nominal vice president, equals two rocking candidates for joint-presidency of the US of A. Imagine if these two guys got drunk together after the debate, confessed being fed up with the status quo, and teamed up against their parties and so-called bosses. First off, they'd have an endless supply of rhetorical ammo gleaned from private conversations. In black and white attack ads, Cheney could say something like: "George Bush has a bunch of Abu Ghraib rape videos stored on his hard drive. He's like Gary Glitter but untalented. Oh yeah, this year Diebold will switch votes from Democratic to Republican, then put Democrats on telemarketing lists." Then Edwards: "John Kerry has actually voted both ways simultaneously on numerous resolutions, saying ‘nes' and ‘yo' every time like it's still funny. God, what a jerk. So not funny."

The Chedwards ticket also has balance, as shown in the following talking points.

Age: They're like a "Happy New Year!" cartoon, with the happy baby and the angry old man in adult diapers. Happy New Year, America!

Family Values: Cheney has several full-grown children including a lesbian daughter while Edwards has adorable young children and is homophobic.

Outlook: Cheney has achieved total indifference toward the plight of humanity and doesn't mind showing it, while Edwards likes to hug people, smile, and point his thumbs upward.

Politics: Both advocate bombing the shit out of people in deserts, but one is grumpy and defensive about it while the other is enthusiastic. Here's a scenario to look forward to:

Edwards (looking at flashy Army web-cam): "Bomb them! Fuck yeah!"

Cheney (looking out window): "Argh, fuck off, protesters!"

Average Joe Iraqi (looking at bright blue sky): "What a wonderful day for golf... What the? Oh fu-!"

I can just picture the zany adventures the corporate overlord and populist wunderkind would get themselves into as half-Presidents. Cue the Odd Couple theme music! To keep an eye on each other they'll push their desks together in the middle of the Oval Office, the two number twos working together as one. Edwards kisses the babies while Cheney swipes the mothers' purses, and then the terrible twosome take the cash to the DC bars for karaoke night. Zoinks! John acts as lingerie model when Dick picks out Lynne's Valentine's Day gift. Hijinks! Dick "accidentally" photocopies his middle finger into John's UN presentation. Guffaw! John and Dick compete in a two-on-two charity street-ball tournament against guest stars Shaq and Kobe. Boi-yoing!

They could speak together at press conferences behind an extra-wide podium-built-for-two. The State of the Union address would become a group presentation, with skits, high-fives, and "yo mama" joke contests at intermission. The Chedwards team could even go on excellent adventures, like using a time-traveling phone booth to abduct Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden as infants, and then have the CIA train them to invent rock and roll only. But most importantly, the Chedwards ticket could, by sheer wackiness, completely disrupt the two-party system currently kicking our country into the trash heap. Vote Chedwards in 2004: Because, fuck'em.