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In This Issue

• East Campus Drink-or-Treating
• Why Your Vote Doesn't Count
• Cheney-Edwards: Now That's A Ticket!
• Fed Fun Guide to Third Party Candidates
• Homeless Voters Choose
• Vintage T-shirt Democracy Plot
• A First lesson in Russian Swearing
• September 10th: The Adjective
• Letters to and from The Fed
• Zombie Reagan!
• Liberal Bias Alleged in Democratic Party
• Presidential Candidates Have Large Height Difference
• Lover's Lane Hook Psycho Mutilated
• Advice from the Manly
• Complete Presidential Debate Coverage
• Monsters of the World
• THEY WATCH
• Alarming Statistics on Brain Eating
• Ice Bitch for Election Day
• Where's Dick Cheney?

In the first debate of the 2004 election, John Kerry employed somewhat coherent logic to defeat President Bush's arsenal of whiny, repetitive defensiveness and consequently jumped back into the running for the highest office in this most blessed land. Kerry may have been aided by Bush's poor use of an illegal ear piece. At one point Bush told Kerry, Jim Lehrer, and the Coral Gables audience to "let me finish." Since he said this only forty seconds into his ninety second response interval, and since no one was interrupting his self-hanging from the tree of shitass oratory, and since his complaint sounded not like that of an insistent speaker but of a six year-old not yet done eating his ice cream, and since pictures showed a strange rectangular lump between his shoulders (since shown to resemble how a standard earpiece transistor looks underneath clothing), and since he made more awkward pauses mid-sentence and blank stares into nowhere than usual, rumors soon swirled that Bush was wearing a wire and taking his lines from Karl Rove, and at that moment he likely wanted Rove to slow down and "let him finish" hitting himself in the face with a brick live on national television, rhetorically speaking. Kerry won the next two debates by much smaller margins as Bush learned to utilize the powerful "shout at people and don't answer the questions" method developed by Lao-Tzu's cousin, Donny "The Moose" Rivera-Tzu.