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In This Issue

• East Campus Drink-or-Treating
• Why Your Vote Doesn't Count
• Cheney-Edwards: Now That's A Ticket!
• Fed Fun Guide to Third Party Candidates
• Homeless Voters Choose
• Vintage T-shirt Democracy Plot
• A First lesson in Russian Swearing
• September 10th: The Adjective
• Letters to and from The Fed
• Zombie Reagan!
• Liberal Bias Alleged in Democratic Party
• Presidential Candidates Have Large Height Difference
• Lover's Lane Hook Psycho Mutilated
• Advice from the Manly
• Complete Presidential Debate Coverage
• Monsters of the World
• THEY WATCH
• Alarming Statistics on Brain Eating
• Ice Bitch for Election Day
• Where's Dick Cheney?

Wherein our heroes ascend the highest heights in pursuit of sweet nectar.

October 13th, 2004. A day which will live in Fed infamy. [Cue dramatic swell of music.] It all started when five fateful Feddies joined their powers together in the name of dressing up for no apparent reason and panhandling for drinks. Their goal was simple: free alcohol or bust. Armed with no more than a staff, a sword cast of aluminum foil, and a variety of novelty shot glasses, our fearless heroes traversed the untamed frontiers of East Campus in search of booze and adventure.

Among the company were:

Rob Notwicz: The ever-indispensable Christ figure.
Special power: Transforming wine into more wine.

Alice Xie: Dressed-in-a-snappy-fashion pirate.
Special power: Damage control, defense against irritated RA's.

Mike Ilardi: Sword-wielding pirate.
Special power: Being mistaken for Peter Pan.

Mahnaz Dar: Pussy cat.
Special power: Super-ultra-men-bashing feminist when drunk. +3 unintelligible speech.

Jamie Peck: Devil/slut/red riding hood extraordinaire.
Special power: Boobs!

The group's adventures would begin in the eastern wing of the East Campus townhouses, where they encountered a surprisingly profuse number of "dry" suites. Undaunted by this major setback in plan, the troupe marched on.

Its efforts were rewarded by the generosity of a kindhearted pre-med by the name of Kathy, who was moved by the group's determination. Once welcomed into her suite, vermouth flowed like water and the revelry officially commenced. All engaged in merrymaking and the group, taking its leave, set forth to continue its voyage in high spirits.

However, fate took a turn for the worse as door after door slammed shut and the buzz from the first round of drinks started to fade away. Tragedy struck when the fellowship encountered an ill-tempered ogre who roared: "Lest ye wish to be fodder for me belly, DON'T EVER KNOCK AGAIN!" upon which the group quickly fled.

The group next ventured into a dangerous realm deeply embedded within the bowels of the EC townhouses. It was in this land that the group was blessed with a second stroke of luck. A tribe of good Samaritans, astounded by the appearance of Jesus at their door, praised the Lord and humbly presented Him with a shot of 160 proof vodka. The Lord then took this offering, divided it and passed it to His companions. When they were sated, there were seven baskets full left over.

Onward, the group set their sights on the EC high-rise, where once again, fans of Jesus continued to shower gifts upon them. It soon proved that the company of the Son of God was advantageous indeed. However, in one suite, a stingy believer was hesitant in sharing his bounty, whereupon his suitemate burst out, "Don't be a fucking Jew! It's fucking Jesus!" and rectified the situation with the gift of beer. And the Lord was pleased and proceeded to cure the man of his senioritis.

At this point in their travels, after consuming various offerings of beer, vodka, popcorn, schnapps, and more vodka, the disciples were beginning to feel the effects of all they had consumed. Little Mahnaz, being the lightweight of the group, started to giggle profusely and trip over her own feet every now and then. When asked if she was feeling alright, she responded, "Hey guys, let's make a baby!"

Now under the intoxication of the white devil's fire water, the group could no longer take the risk of navigating the stairs and took to the elevator. A fellow elevator traveler inquired of the group's activities, upon which Mahnaz exclaimed, "I'm so fucking DRUNK right now! Some people don't know when they're drunk, I know I'm drunk right now. But I'm OKAY with it. I'm HAPPY! I can accept it. I don't have any testicles!"

The group's adventures would come to a close on the 14th floor when, after achieving a nirvana-like state of drunkenness, the female faction of the group felt its carnal desires were on the rise. Pirate Alice, upon the prospect of imbibing yet another round of booze, realized she was at her limit and thus refused the kindly offer. When asked why, she insisted, "I don't do 'Drunken Alice'," at which point Jaime interjected, "I'd DO drunken ANYONE right now."

In the midst of a heated discussion on the night's presidential debates, Mahnaz gave her opinions, "When cats fuck, it is PAINFUL. Because male cats have BARBS on their dicks. DICKS! DICKS! Like CHENEY! DICK CHENEY!"

After a tumultuous night of boozing and revelry, the five drink o' treaters learned an important lesson: Daylight savings time ends on October 31st this year, so set your clocks back an hour, even if you're a pirate and you're married to the sea.