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In This Issue

• East Campus Drink-or-Treating
• Why Your Vote Doesn't Count
• Cheney-Edwards: Now That's A Ticket!
• Fed Fun Guide to Third Party Candidates
• Homeless Voters Choose
• Vintage T-shirt Democracy Plot
• A First lesson in Russian Swearing
• September 10th: The Adjective
• Letters to and from The Fed
• Zombie Reagan!
• Liberal Bias Alleged in Democratic Party
• Presidential Candidates Have Large Height Difference
• Lover's Lane Hook Psycho Mutilated
• Advice from the Manly
• Complete Presidential Debate Coverage
• Monsters of the World
• THEY WATCH
• Alarming Statistics on Brain Eating
• Ice Bitch for Election Day
• Where's Dick Cheney?

Matt Holden

The sun begins to peek its ass above the Manhattan skyline. William "Bill" Tinker opens his eyes to the sound of traffic. His neck is stiff from sleeping on the ground, his mouth dry from the beer he had for dinner. Bill sits up to start another day. He ties his shoe and brushes the crumbs off his corduroy jacket. Ah, it's good to be home. Actually, home-less.

Bill is one of many Americans who are "shelter challenged," part of the larger sans home movement that has become increasingly popular in modern America, and he knows that November is fast approaching. Calendars don't tell him this: it's the steady increase of grassroots campaign volunteers that have been out in the street. It's that time of year, time to remind yourself that you are better than all those poor bastards in China and India by exercising your vote for the pure and utter hell of it. Not because you care, but because you can, damn it. I queried Bill about his opinion on the coming election. His response? "What makes them China Man think they so damn good? Just cause I gots no damn house? Fuck that." All this time I had forgotten the one thing that Bill had not: voting empowers. It empowers me, it empowers you and apparently, voting empowers even the homeless.

When he's not fighting a ghost in the middle of the street with his pants full of poo, Bill is surfing the web. After talking with him for a while, he took me down to the New York City Public Library to access the Internet...I know, what the fuck is going on right? Well, it gets even more bizarre. Bill introduced me to the HPN: Homeless People's Network. No shit. Gone are the days of the simple pan handler. A homeless person in today's competitive market must be technologically proficient, it's a cut-throat industry, no joke. The HPN is basically an online forum for homeless people to bitch about the pressing issues that concern them. To the uninformed, one would think that the entries would consist mostly of concerns such as how to make a lean-to out of nothing but boxes, The New York Times and pure ingenuity. Not so. As it turns out, homeless people have a wide range of issues, especially regarding this year's coming election. Bill and I clicked on a link entitled "Bush's Tax Reform."

"You see, President Bush wants to make the tax code simpler for taxpayers, encourage saving and investment, and improve the economy's ability to create jobs and raise wages," Bill said.

"What do you think about that?" I asked him.

"Fuck that. Bush ain't got shit on me. He ain't gonna do shit. All he want to do is go get that camel fucker in Iraq." Fair enough.

After looking over the HPN, it seems that there are a wide variety of issues that homeless people are bitching about, ranging from genocide in Darfur to outsourcing by American corporations. But I ask: Where is the homeless voice? Where is Bill's voice? Nestled between porno on some obscure web site for homeless people? This nation was founded on the idea that all land owning men are created equal damn it! It's an outrage!

Now everyone knows that Florida was embroiled in scandal up to its ass balls last election. People need to realize that there's a whole homeless Florida out there that could have changed things if only someone would have had the foresight to tap that shit. "Problem solved muthafucka," Bill said. I'm with Bill. Problem solved muthafucka.

Everyone should write a short letter to his or her respective representative saying: "Problem solved, muthafuckas." Taking advantage of this large homeless swing vote would be appropriate for the Bush Administration since they are, in a large part, responsible for the increase of people in this voting sector.

A day spent with Bill was one of reflection, and I came to the realization that every other politician should. Not only are the homeless looking for a place to lay their collective head, but they are also looking for a place to cast their ballots. Will Bill ever win the street fight with the ghost? Will his pants ever be poo free? I don't know. One thing I do know is Bill will be there in November. So next time you are casting your ballot and a man who smells like pee stumbles into the booth next to you, just remember: his vote counts as much as yours. And even though Bill doesn't know much about the electoral college, this is Democracy. Pure fucking unadulterated Democracy. William "Bill" Tinker, I salute you.