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Long Live The New Flesh!
Issue 20.2: Electoween
Posted: October 22, 2004

Letters to and from The Fed

From the Arch-Editor's Desk

Dear Friends,
Halloween and Election Day, the two most frightening days of the calendar year are nigh upon us. As we approach the Electoween season, I'd like to extend to you a few reminders: eat lots of candy, drink lots of booze, and fucking vote; though, I don't recommend doing all this concurrently. I don't like apathy, and you know who else doesn't? The Fed Oranguatan; he'll be paying you a visit if he catches you not voting, and he hasn't eaten or mated in well-over a month. I pity the fool who angers our oranguatan.
Michael J. Ilardi
Arch-Editor

Letters to the Feditors

Dear Fed,

Ok, well, since you seem so desperate for e-mails, it seemed like a good idea to send one. I have no real purpose for this e-mail except to say that I'm a sophomore in high school and probably a complete loser (or maybe a lunatic) for reading your paper online. I have to say that Columbia has been the apple of my eye and I was afraid when all I found was the Columbia Spectator. I attend LaGuardia High School and I have to say that I don't have much experience with "actual" newspapers because our student newspaper is really just us being weird and our faculty adviser trying to make our paper appeal to the rest of the school. Pish Posh, I say!

It would be a real joy if in 2007 I got to attend Columbia University and write for The Fed because right now our paper is under constant attack from The Man and censorship that amazes me still. I mean, they wouldn't even let us say that the bathrooms didn't have any soap before Meningitis started spreading around our school because it made our school look bad! I guess this e-mail is sort of pointless unless it makes you happy to have an admirer. I just like to let people know that as much as my generation might suck, you should still have hope because there are those few people like me that actually understand what's important in life and, more importantly, what's funny.

Toodle-loo,
Anastassia

 

Dear Anastassia,
You rock. And you're young and full of promise while I am old and soon to be put to pasture. The Fed will see you in 2007!
Michael J. Ilardi
Head Feditor

 

To the fed:
from: CEdwards@************
i think your sickening

 

Dear CEdwards.
I assure you that our health is in fact, steadily improving by the day, though I appreciate your concern.
Michael J. Ilardi
Super-Editor

 

from: page.lang@*********
Hola,
Just wondering if the newest issue will be online anytime soon.
Thanks.

 

Dear Paige,
Wowzers! I continue to be impressed by the influx of letters from non-Columbia affiliated web-readers. Our web-management team appreciates this muchly. Volume 20.1, ‘Fantasy,' has been posted! Check out www.the-fed.org.
Michael J. Ilardi
High-Editor

 

From : Aleeta Mayo
Hello,
I came across your article while looking for photographs of Rabbis and wanted to know who could I contact to license the photo below. My graphic design/advertising company would love to use it for a project we are working on. Thanks.

[Editor's Note: She is referencing a picture sent to us several years ago as part of a press kit for some band (why bands continue to send us music in hopes that we might review them is beyond me) but we most definitely don't have the rights on this one.]

Dear Aleeta,
Of course you can use that graphic! In fact, we transfer full ownership rights to you since we no longer care for it.
Michael J. Ilardi
High Commander