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In This Issue

• East Campus Drink-or-Treating
• Why Your Vote Doesn't Count
• Cheney-Edwards: Now That's A Ticket!
• Fed Fun Guide to Third Party Candidates
• Homeless Voters Choose
• Vintage T-shirt Democracy Plot
• A First lesson in Russian Swearing
• September 10th: The Adjective
• Letters to and from The Fed
• Zombie Reagan!
• Liberal Bias Alleged in Democratic Party
• Presidential Candidates Have Large Height Difference
• Lover's Lane Hook Psycho Mutilated
• Advice from the Manly
• Complete Presidential Debate Coverage
• Monsters of the World
• THEY WATCH
• Alarming Statistics on Brain Eating
• Ice Bitch for Election Day
• Where's Dick Cheney?

Rob Notwicz

Democrats are guilty of holding a moderate-to-extreme liberal bias, Republican challengers have asserted recently. This bombshell counters recent assertions by Green Party, Reform Party, and Socialist affiliates who categorically deride the Democratic Party as just another conservative non-alternative.

Republicans have pointed to several alleged Democratic failures as indicative of their liberal slant: failure to admit that firearms are absolutely essential to daily living, that unborn women have more rights than born women, and that trying to help people is the first step towards societal and fiscal breakdown.

Such accusations have been echoed by dissenting voices within the Democratic Party itself, led by Senator Zell Miller (D-GA), who accuses, "if this is a national party, sushi is our national dish. If this is a national party, surfboarding has become our national pastime."

Zell Miller is perhaps best remembered as the segregationist Dixiecrat who, in response to 1964 civil rights legislation, accused President Lyndon Johnson of being "a Southerner who sold his birthright for a mess of dark pottage," a veiled jab at the Johnson's arch-liberal assertion that all men were created equal.

However, not everyone agrees that Democratic stances in favor of equal rights, abortion, and the welfare state indicate a strong liberal bias. According to Worker's World Party presidential candidate John Parker, there is little distinction between Democrats and Republicans in the upcoming presidential election:

"What does Democratic Sen. John Kerry, the supposedly more moderate representative of the ruling class, suggest? Here's some of what Kerry said in an interview with the Wall Street Journal, published on May 3: 'I think I am American business's friend. Personally, I think I'd be more effective for business than this administration. I believe I could be far more effective in opening up marketplaces and creating a fair playing field and being an ambassador for business.' Aren't workers hurting more than businesses? So why can't he be an ‘ambassador' for us? Because he's already serving the masters of monopoly capital."

Others point to the abject manliness of Democratic photo-ops as proof that Democratic candidates don't drift towards the left, citing photographs of presidential candidate John Kerry throwing a football and Michael Dukakis piloting a tank as evidence of political moderation.

According to an unnamed Columbia University undergraduate at Dodge Fitness Center, "Dude, nobody just throws around a football...I mean, yeah...it's kind of cool. No I guess he [Kerry] couldn't be too sissy [liberal]. Yeah."

Accusations of liberal bias have haunted the Democratic Party since the mid-1960's, leaving many Southern Democrats to leave the party late that decade to avoid such association. Such Democrats-turned-Republicans include Sen. Jesse Helms (R-SC) and deceased Sen. Strom Thurmond, about whom Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS) remarked, "If he had been elected [president], we wouldn't have had all these problems all these years," the meaning of which remains eerily vague.

In light of the desertion of Southern Democratic elites, there are still some in the party whose continued membership as Democrats counteracts claims that the Democratic party is largely liberal. Such is the case with Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV), former Klu Klux Klan recruiter known for his use of the word "n****r" on national television in March 2001. Also cited is the case of the 2002 Congressional vote to approve the use of force in Iraq, in which a clear majority of Democratic Senators and Representatives voted "Yea."

Nevertheless, claims of Democratic liberalism will probably persist until the Presidential election November 2, when the allegedly conservative-biased media is expected to "accidentally" proclaim Bush the winner again, at which point the allegedly legally-biased lawyers may be forced to intervene on behalf of the allegedly Kerry-biased Kerry campaign.

According to Kerry, "We've got better vision, better ideas, real plans. We've got a better sense of what's happening to America- and we've got better hair."