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In This Issue

• East Campus Drink-or-Treating
• Why Your Vote Doesn't Count
• Cheney-Edwards: Now That's A Ticket!
• Fed Fun Guide to Third Party Candidates
• Homeless Voters Choose
• Vintage T-shirt Democracy Plot
• A First lesson in Russian Swearing
• September 10th: The Adjective
• Letters to and from The Fed
• Zombie Reagan!
• Liberal Bias Alleged in Democratic Party
• Presidential Candidates Have Large Height Difference
• Lover's Lane Hook Psycho Mutilated
• Advice from the Manly
• Complete Presidential Debate Coverage
• Monsters of the World
• THEY WATCH
• Alarming Statistics on Brain Eating
• Ice Bitch for Election Day
• Where's Dick Cheney?

If we can learn anything from the Bush Campaign, it's that Republicans typically like to define themselves as manly, as opposed to Democrats, who are clearly effeminate liberals. Such an attitude is apparent from such examples as Bush's cowboy swagger or Fox News' fake quotations of Kerry talking about manicures. This illustrates the importance of being manly: without manliness, you cannot achieve your life goal of being President of the United States.

Thus, we present you with a list of things that are manly, so you'll know exactly what to do when YOU run for president. And remember always to ask yourself: Is this something that George Bush or Russell Crowe would do? WWRCD?

1. Punching your friend in the shoulder. Nothing shows off how manly you are like hitting people. This is an excellent technique because, if your punch is weak, you can pass it off as "not wanting to hurt him." Manly!

2. Not admitting things are cute. Ooh, isn't that a cute puppy? No. Isn't that baby just adorable? No, but it would make a good punching bag. No emotions = stud.

3. Showing people that neck hump from weightlifting. Your deformity can easily be passed off as potential strength...to hit people with! Gar! Did somebody say manly?

4. Refusing to drink with a straw. Do you know who drinks with a straw? Kids in school cafeterias. The ones who get beaten up. There was no cooler moment in third grade than when somebody just opened his milk and chugged. That's masculine, bitch.

5. Nailing all seventy-two virgins. That'll show the infidels what's what. And don't give me that "they really mean seventy-two white grapes" crap. Islam is so fucking manly.

6. Downloading child pornography for a book you're writing. Let's be clear now; only men do this. Prove it's not true. I dare you. Pussy.

7. Watching The Dark Crystal. Look, it just is. Trust me.

8. Whenever you see a guy in a yarmulke, pump your fist into the air and shout "Woo, Jews!" The Jews won't know whether or not to appreciate your support of their heritage or fear your abject manliness. Appreciation + Fear = you are a tough, brute man.

9. Calling folks "Economic Girlie Men." Nothing says manly like somewhat homophobic taunts concerning another's fiscal irresponsibility. Yeah! If it looks like man and smells like man, that's manly, boyee.