• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• East Campus Drink-or-Treating
• Why Your Vote Doesn't Count
• Cheney-Edwards: Now That's A Ticket!
• Fed Fun Guide to Third Party Candidates
• Homeless Voters Choose
• Vintage T-shirt Democracy Plot
• A First lesson in Russian Swearing
• September 10th: The Adjective
• Letters to and from The Fed
• Zombie Reagan!
• Liberal Bias Alleged in Democratic Party
• Presidential Candidates Have Large Height Difference
• Lover's Lane Hook Psycho Mutilated
• Advice from the Manly
• Complete Presidential Debate Coverage
• Monsters of the World
• THEY WATCH
• Alarming Statistics on Brain Eating
• Ice Bitch for Election Day
• Where's Dick Cheney?

Ah Russia, land of frost and barrenness and death. At some point all of us feel the nomadic urge to hop on a 747 jet straight to Moscow and brave the bitter cold and Putin's dire yet strangely stimulating gaze. And yet, when you enter the former communist city and gaze on block after block of boxy buildings and think to yourself, "Dude, this is like, the City of Ugly, man," you may feel lost and afraid-afraid because there's been a police officer/former KGB ninja stalking you since JFK, or afraid because when someone says "Idi obsosi tayevo papu, kak ti delayesh den, ti shluha yebanaya," you have no idea what the fuck he's talking about.

This is where I save your ignorant, American ass. Because you know what? You were just told to "go suck off your daddy like you do every night, you fucking whore," and unless you know what you're doing, you're going to respond with something like, "Where is the bathroom? You know, B-A-T-H-R-O-O-M-Baaaathhhrooooom?" Lame-o Americano.

Having spent thousands of winters huddled in one room with only a tiny fire and 2000 quarts of vodka to warm 500 hundred people in negative fifty degree weather, the Russian people have understandably developed a very precise lexicon of insults. For instance, while an early American colonist such as George Washington may have commented, "If you don't mind, Martha, your body is blocking my warm fire," his Russian counterpart, Catherine the Great, would have more explicitly stated, "Pizda*, move that great big slab of flesh that you call your ass away from the only thing that's going to keep me warm tonight, you big chunk of heartless ice."

Learning Russian swears can be a lot of fun, especially with friends. The basic idea is to take a normal phrase or adage, perhaps one passed down to you from your mom and dad, and turn it into the most offensive and horrible line you can think of. Use plenty of words such as "bitch" and "prick" and "your mama just got screwed up the ass by a dog with a big-ass dick."

For example, say you've had a long day at work and your boss decides you deserve a break. In English he would say, "Good work Jim, why don't you take five?" But in Russian he would have bushy eyebrows and vodka stains and would say, "Ok Stanislav, you've done the deed, now get off the body." Because Russians realize that a long day of work is ultimately just the same as necrophilia, the victimless crime.

And in case your father takes you aside for a father-son talk and admonishes, "Nothing ventured is nothing gained," you should probably respond with the Russian adage: "Yeah yeah Dad, I know. If you're afraid of teeth, you'll never get a blowjob."

Further, while one of our pansy American signs of disrespect may be to spit on someone, the Russians don't play so nice. Spitting is child's play. The real fun begins when you "put excrement on someone with a whole set of tableware." I've always wondered how exactly the excrement would be applied and whether it would be served in a hotplate or a casserole dish. Of course, as the Russians say, it's all one prick to me.

And it's nice to know that the Russians still respect their communist heritage. For instance, suppose a girl in your dorm is known to get around the floor. In America we use the dry, overused, yet oh-so-pleasing-to-the-tongue term "slut" to describe her. But in Russian she's someone who's "fucked with the whole collective's farm." Because there's nothing that says Lenin like a dirty fucking whore.

* Cunt

Translations courtesy of Barron's Educational Services' Dictionary of Russian Slang and Colloquial Expressions