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Long Live The New Flesh!
Issue 20.2: Electoween
Posted: October 22, 2004

Fed Fun Guide to Third Party Candidates

Words and Art by Ted Holden

Tired of Republican war mongering, pork barrel spending, and catering to the religious right? Annoyed by Democrats who can't say anything other than, "At least we're not that Bush guy?" So you've thrown you hands into the air and shouted to the heavens "Screw it! I'm sick of this two party system and the country it's in!" Well, cry no longer, friend. Today I've presented to you a thorough description of the not-quite-viable third party candidates for you dreamers out there, listed from Right Wing to Left. Shine on you crazy diamond!

Prohibition Party

Candidate: Earl F. Dodge

The Prohibition Party's platform is a beacon of consistency in tone and truth in advertising: No abortion, no gambling, no gays, no pornography, no alcohol or drugs, no judicial activism, no campaign finance reform, no national control of schools, no federalism, and no United Nations. Oh, and prayer in school is A-OK, so no separation of church and state either.

Concerns of the People (Prohibition) Party

Candidate: Gene Amondson

A massive schism in the Prohibition Party occurred in 2000 after accusations that presidential candidate Earl F. Dodge was using the party as his own personal fiefdom, and the vote had suffered as a result, receiving only 208 votes nationwide. Luckily, Gene Amondson, re-enactor of 19th-century evangelical sermons, was around to fill the void in the newly named Concerns of the People Party. The party's platform consists of little other than finding Amondson a new wife, a concern for, at the very least, two people.

Constitution Party

Candidate: Mike Peroutka

The Constitution Party believes that both Republicans and Democrats have betrayed America (true). The party cites several threats upon America created by the two parties? the corruption of party politics splitting the country into factions (true), the blatant disregard for the meaning of the constitution (true), and the failure to recognize the Constitution as a Christian Biblical document (false). Two out of three ain't bad!

Libertarian Party

Candidate: Mike Badnarik

Mike Badnarik believes the drug war unfairly targets young black men. He believes that church and state should be separate, but that if we deny kids the right to pray while in school, we're fascists. He believes that gays deserve all the rights and privileges that straight folk enjoy, including marriage, an institution outside the jurisdiction of secular law. He believes abortion is wrong, but the best way to reduce it is to streamline the adoption process, not outlaw abortion wholesale. Why aren't you voting for Badnarik? Oh, that's right, because he's a libertarian.

Green Party

Candidate: David Cobb

Dear Green Party,

Please stop existing, so that the Democrats might have a fighting change in the case of a tight election. There's nothing we hate more than a once-viable and sometimes semi-coherent third party to steal half our issues and discredit us to our hyper-liberal base. If you muck it up again, Ted Kennedy will drunkenly drive off a bridge with you in the passenger seat.

Your Pals, the Democrats

Reform Party

Candidate: Ralph Nader

You might be thinking that Ralph Nader couldn't possibly destroy the Democrat's margin in this election again. Guess what? You're wrong! He's still on the ballot in Florida and Michigan, two contested battleground states. Damn you, Nader!

Personal Choice Party

Candidate: Charles Jay

Who is Charles Jay? Who cares! The vice-presidential candidate is porn legend Marilyn Chambers, who apparently has plans to paint the door of the Executive Office Building green. The Personal Choice Party believes in, like, doing anything you want unless, like, its against the law, and stuff. Did I mention the vice-presidential candidate was a porn star?

Socialist Party USA

Candidate: Walt Brown

Imagine there's no heaven; It's easy if you try. No hell below us, above us only sky. Imagine all the people living for today. Imagine there's no countries - It isn't hard to do. Nothing to kill or die for; no religion too! Imagine all the people living life in peace! Imagine no possessions (I wonder if you can). No need for greed or hunger - A Brotherhood of Man. Imagine all the people sharing all the world. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one; I hope some day you'll join us and the world will live as one.

Peace and Freedom Party

Candidate: Leonard Peltier

Remember Native American activist and convicted murderer Leonard Peltier from your favorite Rage Against the Machine record? You might imagine that the freedom he's talking about is his own (from jail), and the peace he's talking about as the peace of the dead people (whom he murdered). But those are only half-truths. He's a socialist, too.

Workers World Party

Candidate: John Parker

Do you remember all those ANSWER anti-war rallies you saw over the past year? WWP fronted the money for those. WWP stands for the end of US occupation everywhere, free universal health care for all, full rights for immigrants, and freeing Mumia. During the Cold War, WWP was also a Soviet puppet active in crushing worker uprisings in Hungary, Czechoslovakia, and Poland. But the USSR isn't around anymore, so they're just focused on Mumia. Isn't that adorable?